Life Will Be the Death of Me Read online

  “Yeah, no,” I said. “That’s not me. I’m into conflict.”

  The people who live in sadness tend to be depressives and can struggle with that their entire lives. They typically have huge amounts of empathy for others. These people also tend to love animals more than the average person loves animals. They are sensitive to others and are typically great listeners, but again, they can also have serious issues with depression.

  “Yeah, I’m anger.”

  “Okay, so you’re anger. Let’s start there.”

  He explained that the Enneagram system starts by identifying which of the three states of mind you are most closely aligned with and then broadens into a total of nine different personality types.

  “I can describe each type to you and we can try to figure out which one you are, which will help you understand why you do some of the things you do, and what areas you can strengthen—that’s called your ‘growth edge.’ ”

  Dan went through each of the nine personality types and told me to think of them like spokes on a wheel, which was also his analogy to meditation: spokes on a wheel. Start with your breath, then your hearing, your sight, and then keep going around the wheel to your internal organs and then your external body parts. I appreciated this because it was another visual aid—something I’ve learned over the years is the most effective way for me to digest a concept I’m unfamiliar with. Everything was all about spokes on a wheel. The Wheel of Awareness is what he calls it. Dan liked wheels, and my guess is that in a past life he drove a wagon—on wheels.

  The Enneagram captured my interest because I respected the person who was telling me about it. When going through the nine different personality types, you’ll find that some include characteristics you recognize in yourself, but there are usually one or two traits that stand out as definitely not part of your personality. Ultimately, the number that describes you the most accurately is the one in which all the traits apply to you. There are tests you can take online to find your number—some more extensive than others—but it is ultimately about reading each number’s strengths and weaknesses, and being honest with yourself, about yourself.

  Dan also explained that, typically, people feel drawn to two numbers at first. Then you revisit those two numbers, paying attention to the weaknesses of each. That’s when you are usually able to discern which number more aptly describes you, and lock into one of the numbers, which is what happened to me.

  When we got to number seven, I started to hear things that sounded like me.

  7

  THE ENTHUSIAST

  Enneagram Type Seven

  The Busy, Variety-Seeking Type:

  Spontaneous, Versatile, Acquisitive, and Scattered

  TYPE SEVEN IN BRIEF

  Sevens are extroverted, optimistic, versatile, and spontaneous. Playful, high-spirited, and practical, they can also misapply their many talents, becoming over-extended, scattered, and undisciplined. They constantly seek new and exciting experiences, but can become distracted and exhausted by staying on the go. They typically have problems with impatience and impulsiveness. At their best: they focus their talents on worthwhile goals, becoming appreciative, joyous, and satisfied.

  Basic Fear: Of being deprived and in pain

  Basic Desire: To be satisfied and content—to have their needs fulfilled

  Key Motivations: Want to maintain their freedom and happiness, to avoid missing out on worthwhile experiences, to keep themselves excited and occupied, to avoid and discharge pain.

  Type Seven sounded a lot like me, until I heard the description of Type Eight, and realized that I’m not positive enough to be a seven; I’m more of a half-glass-period person. I don’t see a glass as half empty or half full—it’s just half; it could go either way.

  8

  THE CHALLENGER

  Enneagram Type Eight

  The Powerful, Dominating Type:

  Self-Confident, Decisive, Willful, and Confrontational

  TYPE EIGHT IN BRIEF

  Eights are self-confident, strong, and assertive. Protective, resourceful, straight-talking, and decisive, but can also be ego-centric and domineering. Eights feel they must control their environment, especially people, sometimes becoming confrontational and intimidating. Eights typically have problems with their tempers and with allowing themselves to be vulnerable. At their best: self-mastering, they use their strength to improve others’ lives, becoming heroic, magnanimous, and inspiring.

  Basic Fear: Of being harmed or controlled by others

  Basic Desire: To protect themselves (to be in control of their own life and destiny)

  Key Motivations: Want to be self-reliant, to prove their strength and resist weakness, to be important in their world, to dominate the environment, and to stay in control of their situation.

  “I’m an eight.”

  “Okay, you’re an eight, then.”

  “Do you think I’m an eight?”

  “That’s the thing about the Enneagram,” he said. “You can’t assess someone else. Each person has to assess themselves.”

  “That’s what I do,” I told Dan. “I’m a fixer. I charge in and clean up messes. Everyone’s except my own. What are the bad qualities about being an eight?”

  He reassured me that there were no bad numbers, and I reassured him that I wasn’t sensitive enough to care if some numbers were bad or good, but that if we were going to work on my weaknesses, we needed to get real.

  Dan told me about a conference he attended where he sat alone with groups of only sevens or groups of only eights and had asked them all what the best-kept secret of being that number was—the one thing that each number needed to work on the most.

  “And?”

  “All the eights said that their hidden secret is that eights lack empathy,” Dan said.

  Lack of empathy. Huh.

  “Like a Republican?”

  I had to think about the difference between empathy and sympathy. I can be too sympathetic to people. I’m a sucker for a sob story and I will lavish sympathy on any stranger who needs a hand. But empathy? I had to talk that through with him.

  “Empathy and sympathy? What’s the distinction, again?”

  “Sympathy is feeling bad for someone or for their situation. Sympathy is more like pity. Empathy is imagining what it’s like to be in that person’s shoes. Thinking about what it feels like to be another person and the understanding that their experiences and outlooks may have been unlike your own. Actually, thinking about what it’s like to be them.”

  Dan asked me about those instances when I show up for people I care about and if, while I’m doing it, I think about what it feels like to be in that person’s predicament.

  The answer was no.

  I went to their bedside, or doorstep, or lay in bed with any of my friends who needed a friend in order to do one thing: fix the situation.

  To show up repeatedly, time and time again. Whenever that happens, my sympathy is in full gear, but rarely if ever do I consider what it’s like to be that person in that moment. I want to wrap their injury and patch them up. I never stop showing up, but I don’t put myself in their shoes. Often we think we are showing up for someone, when really all we’re doing is showing everyone how great we are at showing up.

  Lack of empathy.

  That hit me over the head.

  I have no empathy. Yes! That’s right! Like how I feel about people who like room temperature water. Some people don’t care about the temperature of their drink or the quality of ice. I don’t understand those people. Like, when flight attendants hand out room temperature Dasani water, I want to throw it out the airplane window. I’ve always looked sideways at this community of humans who are okay with room temperature water, or—God forbid—prefer it. Or people who like pineapple on their pizza or, for t