I got down to work.

No matter what changes in my life, science is always there. Science has been the one constant of my existence. I wanted to know why the world worked the way it did before I had sisters, before I had a career in mind, even before I understood that for most kids the bogeyman was a scary story to tell in the dark, not a real thing that might be sleeping under their bed. (I had alienated myself from my elementary school peers very quickly by trying to tell them about my home life. My parents had told me not to, but I had believed, with the blind hopefulness of a child, that my friends would understand when I said things like “Grandpa used to be a bunch of corpses” and “Grandma killed a rock demon once, but we think it was actually a colony organism.” My friends did not understand. My friends did not remain my friends for long.)

Science kept the terror at bay. My mind kept trying to present me with images of the werewolf in the field, the werewolf in the long-ago stable, and I kept shunting them to the side, focusing on science. Science would save me.

Bit by bit and step by step, I extracted the fluid from the aconite leaves, grinding them down and mixing them periodically with the other ingredients that were going into today’s bad idea stew. Once they had been reduced to a dry, fibrous mass, I moved them to a beaker and added water before turning on the Bunsen burner.

It was getting harder and harder to force myself to keep moving, and to keep observing the necessary lab protocols. My own wounds weren’t bleeding anymore, but they needed to be cleaned and treated, and I didn’t have time for that right now. The pain of touching the bite would only slow me down; once I’d been sure I wasn’t going to bleed in my ingredients and potentially contaminate them, I had left it alone. It didn’t feel like the werewolf had severed anything essential. My arm was still working normally, if a little stiffly, and so I just kept going. It was better than the alternatives, none of which I really wanted to consider.

I must have blacked out at some point. I was watching the contents of the beaker bubble and reduce. Then I blinked, and the beaker had gone from two-thirds full to holding little more than two inches of liquid, poisonously dark and glittering slightly from the silver nitrate. It looked disturbingly like the mascara Antimony would put on before one of her roller derby bouts.

The thought was funnier than it should have been. That realization sobered me instantly. I was going into shock—if I wasn’t there already—and I needed to move.

We didn’t have a blast cooler, and we didn’t have time to wait for the stuff to cool naturally. Cooper still wasn’t awake. I poured the thick, viscous liquid into a waiting tray, creating as much surface area as possible, and added the final, most dangerous ingredient: mercury, which dripped silver and deadly into the mass, glimmering on the surface until I stirred it into the rest. I kept stirring for a minute and a half, timing myself on the wall clock, trying to ensure that everything was evenly mixed. Mercury’s tendency to clump meant that using the blender wasn’t a good idea, and was part of why we had to make such small batches, and use them so quickly. Not only would the aconite begin to lose its efficacy, and not only would the rabies treatments become gradually denatured by the things around them, but the mercury would pull away, forming clots of deadly toxins that weren’t counterbalanced by the other deadly toxins the treatment was supposed to contain.

Jett watched me with narrow, wary eyes as I measured out a quarter teaspoon of sludge and shambled toward her unconscious owner. “You’re pretty lucky, you know,” I said to Cooper. “Most people pass out from the shock of this stuff, assuming it doesn’t make their hearts stop—which it doesn’t always, but this is Australia. You might have extra strong aconite here or something, and I haven’t been able to test it. Your mouth is going to go numb. You may have long-lasting nerve damage on your tongue, although that’s a relatively rare side effect. You will probably experience dizziness, unconsciousness, nausea, blurred vision, and either constipation, diarrhea, or both. Also you may turn into a werewolf anyway, and I am so sorry to do this to you without your consent, but with the amount of blood you’ve lost, it’s going to be a while before you wake up, even with proper medical care, and this stuff really needs to be administered as soon after the bite as possible.”

Cooper didn’t wake up. I glanced to the door, wishing Shelby and Riley would appear and save me from needing to make this decision on my own. I felt like I was doing the right thing, but how could I be sure? How much of my motivation was based on the need to see someone else ingest the stuff before I risked myself?

Shelby and Riley didn’t appear. I turned back to Cooper. “I guess this is it,” I said, and raised the spoon. My hand was shaking. I raised my other hand to steady it, and missed my wrist twice before I realized what was happening.

I had waited too long.

Maybe I hadn’t been bleeding the whole time, but I had still lost a lot of blood in that meadow, and had suffered a severe enough injury that I should have been seeking medical treatment immediately, not playing chemist in a one-room hideaway in the middle of nowhere. The last of my reserves had been spent on making the treatment that I was even now failing to administer.

I almost felt grateful as my knees buckled and, for the second time in less than three hours, I plunged into unconsciousness.

This was getting to be a habit.

Jett’s barking pulled me back into the world of the living. I had fallen on my injured arm, and as soon as I became aware of myself again, the pain took care of the rest, rocketing me straight from the pleasant fields of dreamland and into the cruel realities of Australia. I struggled to sit up, managing only to lift my head enough to see Jett standing in the open doorway—oh, God, I’d left the door open, I’d been so distracted by pain and the need to get the tincture mixed that I’d left the door open—barking her head off. There was a new urgency in those high-pitched yelps, lending them a weight that they had previously lacked. This wasn’t barking for the sake of barking. Her person was in trouble, and to a dog, that meant everything.

Cooper was still propped in the chair. The spilled tincture had left a dark splotch on his shirt. He didn’t appear to have moved, and I couldn’t tell if he was breathing. I didn’t think he was breathing. I gave up the fight to sit and put my head back on the floor, closing my eyes and waiting for whatever was going to happen next. Giving up seemed strangely easy, like this was the way things were always intended to be for me. I would die here, and that would be the end of it. The mice would find their own way home. Poor mice. I would be one more death they’d have to remember for the rest of their lives, and for all the lives that came after. Knowing that I was going to break the colony’s heart hurt, but what choice did I have? I was done.