Which brings us back to Tyler. And no, he’s not my f**king dream either! He’s just a way to keep my mind off of the fact that I’m in my early twenties and clueless about where my life is going. Obviously, it’s going nowhere fast with Tyler and I need to nip this thing in the bud immediately.

Tyler pulls his shirt down over his head and I pretend like I’m not sad to see his naked abs go.

“I can’t believe you’re kicking me out at three-o’clock in the morning,” he grumbles as he slides his feet into tennis shoes without bothering to tie them.

He walks over to my window and slides it open, looking back at me and smirking. “So, same time, same place tomorrow?”

Rolling my eyes, I shake my head. “No. Absolutely not. We’re not doing this anymore. Leave and don’t come back.”

He’s got one leg swung over the windowsill and his body halfway out before he jerks his head back inside and stares at me in surprise. “What? What do you mean ‘don’t come back’? Like, don’t come back tomorrow, or ever?”

Seriously, how can he be so dense?

“Ever. This was a huge mistake.”

He actually has the nerve to growl at me. Thank God he didn’t whinny or I’d be puking right into my lap.

“Fine! But you’ll be begging for another piece of Tyler, mark my words!”

“Jesus Christ, don’t talk about yourself in third person,” I complain.

“They come back, they always come back to Tyler,” he mutters with another smirk, completely ignoring me.

“By ‘they’, I’m assuming you’re talking about the ponies you were dreaming about?” I chuckle.

“Fuck your face! Fuck your face right now!” he demands.

“Get the hell out of my bedroom and don’t come back, Prancer!” I fire back.

Sticking his tongue out at me in one poorly-executed, last ditch effort to put me in my place, he tries to smoothly exit my window but his head smacks against the frame. He lets go of the sill to grab his wounded head and loses his balance, falling out the window and into the shrubs on the other side.

“Mother f**king dick f**k ass cake piece of shit shrub!” I hear him whisper from the yard.

Getting out of bed, I rush over to the window, slam it closed and secure the lock. I climb back into bed, turn off my light and try to think about anything other than Tyler Branson and his stupid tongue.

I can totally quit Broke Back Moron, piece of cake.

Chapter 2 – A Happy Vagina is a Happy Life

“My life is over,” I wail, plopping myself down in the chair across from Gavin’s desk.

He looks up from his computer and cocks his head. “So you got fired from The Gap? You didn’t like that job anyway.”

I stare at him in confusion and shake my head sadly. “I’m sorry, have we met? Who gives a shit about The Gap? I’m talking about Ava. I’m pretty sure she’s not going to have sex with me anymore.”

In all honesty, I am kind of pissed about getting fired. It’s not like working at The Gap was a dream job, but it paid for  p**n  and strip clubs so it had some perks. I gave those ass**les two of the best months of my life and what do they do? Get audited by corporate and tell me the copy of my birth certificate I gave them when they hired me was a fake. As if!

“I thought you couldn’t stand Ava?” Gavin asks in confusion.

“I can’t. All she does is bitch at me. But man alive, that chick’s got a mouth like a Shop Vac.”

Gavin winces and mimics dry heaving. “Seriously dude, stop. Just stop.”

Gavin and I have been best friends ever since we met our freshman year in college. It’s unfortunate that I was naked during that first meeting, but what can you do? Sometimes the boys just like to dangle while you’re hanging pictures around your dorm room. Anyway, as soon as we got to talking (after I put pants on), I knew this was a guy I wanted in my corner. He’s a good-looking dude, so he’s always had a plethora of hot chicks sniffing around him. Lucky for me, he’s been in love with Charlotte, his childhood sweetheart, since birth and I, therefore got all his castoffs.

Some dudes would probably be offended at being the second-best choice. Those dudes are obviously dumb f**ks who don’t know rule number one in the guy handbook - you never, ever turn down pu**y. Gavin’s feelings towards Charlotte are obviously not brotherly, but he’s always looked at Ava as a little sister. Needless to say, talk about our sexcapades grosses him the f**k out.

“I guess I shouldn’t let it get to me. I mean, how can I bang a chick that has no appreciation for animals?” I ask in irritation as I kick my feet up on his desk.

“I’m pretty sure Ava loves animals. I think the problem is that she didn’t expect to sleep with one,” Gavin replies with a smirk.

I knew I shouldn’t have told him about that whole horse incident the other night.

“So what’s on the agenda today, dick licker? Are we going to watch some chicks masturbate, maybe construct a mold of my penis for a new sex toy?” I ask, quickly moving the conversation away from my embarrassing evening with Ava.

Gavin has worked in Product Development for Seduction and Snacks ever since graduating from college. Lucky bastard.

Shaking his head at me, he gets up from behind the desk and heads towards the door. “How many times do I have to tell you that no one masturbates inside this building?”

“And how many times do I have to tell you that I don’t like it when you lie to me and crush my dreams,” I remind him as I follow him out into the hall.