She sniffles and hands me a bunch of magazines. “Go through these and cut out anything you think a ten-year-old girl would like. I’m going to make some tea.”

MIKAYLA

   When I bring the tea back to the table, Jake isn’t there. “Where are you?” I yell at the rest of the house.

   “Hang on, I’ll be there in a sec!”

   I sit down and wait for him.

   “How about this? Can we stick this on?” He comes in and hands me a photo of me and our friends at my graduation. I’m standing in the middle with him and Logan on either side of me. Jake has his arms around my waist, and Logan has his around my neck. The rest of our friends crowd around us. Everyone is making stupid faces—crossing their eyes, sticking their tongues out, making rabbit ears. Cam is pretending to hump Lucy. Jake and I are just looking into each other’s eyes with huge goofy grins on our faces.

   “I thought . . . Never mind, it was a stupid idea,” he says, starting to walk back down the hall.

   I stop him by grabbing his arm. “Jake, it’s a beautiful idea.”

   “Yeah?”

   “Yeah.” I take the photo from his hands.

   “Think she would have liked us?”

   I think about this for a while. “Yeah, Jake, she would’ve liked our friends. You, though—she would’ve loved you.”

   Just like I do.

JAKE

   I hear knocking on the door.

   We’re in my bed, and Kayla is wrapped around me. It’s perfect.

   I hear more knocking on the door.

   Kayla moans and holds on to me more tightly. I hold her, too. She’s so warm.

   More knocking.

   Fuck. I may have said that part out loud.

   I jump out of bed, pull on sweats and a hoodie, and walk out of the bedroom, leaving Kayla to sleep the morning away before we go to the cemetery.

   More knocking.

   “I’m coming!”

   Shit. It’s James—at my front door.

   “Hey.” He looks behind me.

   “She’s asleep, asshole. What do you want?”

   He rubs his face then raises the flowers he has in his hand. “Here,” he says.

   “Um, thanks?” I respond, taking them.

   He thrusts his hands in his front pockets. “This is so fucking awkward.”

   “No shit,” I deadpan.

   He huffs, his cheeks puffing out. It’s cold outside, and I really don’t know what he’s doing here, so I start to close the door.

   “Wait,” he says. “I know it’s Emily’s birthday today. Every year for their birthdays, her dad would buy them flowers—tulips, to be exact. Emily got pink, Micky got yellow, and Denise got red.” He’s looking down and shaking his head. I study him, brows knitted together. He looks up. “Kevin accidentally delivered tulips to Denise . . . That’s why . . .” He trails off.

   I think I understand what he’s saying. “Why are you telling me this?” I ask him.

   “Because you’re it now.” He shrugs. “You’re everything to her.”

   I nod and thank him before closing the door.

   When I return to the bedroom, she’s sitting up. She sees the flowers in my hand, and her eyes widen with understanding. “From James?”

   “Yeah,” I sigh, handing them to her. “But from now on, they’ll only ever be from me.” I kiss her on the temple before jumping in the shower.

FORTY-THREE

MIKAYLA

   We spent most of last night writing on note cards to put in Emily’s birthday box. Some things were goofy and funny, and some things were heartfelt and sad. Jake put a few of his own in, but he wouldn’t let me see what was on them.

   Now we’re at the cemetery. It’s the first time we’ve been here since the funeral. I know I should visit more, but it hurts. Jake gives me a kiss on the temple then walks back to the truck to give me a few minutes alone with her. I feel a little strange talking to no one, so I just place the box on her headstone and sit with her for a bit. Before I leave, I reach into my pocket for the letter I wrote after Jake had fallen asleep and slip it into the box.

   Dear Emily,

   First off, I love you and miss you so much. You would have been ten today. It’s a little hard to write about things you’ve done, like we used to do, so I guess I’ll just write about what we would talk about if you were still around.

   I don’t know how these things work, but I’m sure you know now about James and Megan, and don’t worry, I’m okay.

   Emily, I met a boy and fell in love—so deeply in love, it hurts. His name is Jake. He’s super cute, and you would have loved him. You all would have. Dad already kind of did. He is absolutely everything books tell you that boys should be. If you were still here today, I would tell you to never settle for anything less than the Jake Andrewses of the world. Because they exist—and not just in fairy tales.

   I have new friends, too. You would love Heidi. She loves Justin Bieber almost as much as you do. They all care about me—like, truly care about me. They were there for me when no one else was.

   It hurts to know that you’ll never have the feelings or experiences everyone should have, like falling in love for the first time or having your heart broken. You’ll never have a first kiss or butterflies on your first date. A guy won’t hold your hand for the first time or hold you in his arms. You’ll never know the feeling of telling a guy you love him, or his telling you.

   The worst thing is that you’ll never know the feeling of falling—falling in love with someone. And I don’t mean love—I mean love-love. Mom-and-Dad love. The love that’s so instant and intense and easy, it feels like all the world’s forces collided and fate gave you a push, and you’re there, in front of the person who’s now a part of you. The world spins and your heart explodes, and you want nothing else at all in the entire universe as long as you can be with that one person all the time. When you’re not, you think about him until your mind is consumed, and it’s almost like you’re suffocating and drowning . . . But in a good way, because your love is all around you.

   God, I can’t even begin to tell you . . . I just wish that you could have felt it, too.

   So that when you found your Jake Andrews, you would know.

   You would know what it feels like to stand in front of your forever.

   Love,

   Kayla

JAKE

   Emily,

   If you’re half the person your sister is, I would have loved you, too. You’re super cute. I would have had to work with your dad to beat off all the future guys.