A few days after we moved in, I landed a job at a video store. Yes, those still exist. It’s shit pay, but they work around my schedule. And when it’s not busy, I get to read and do homework, so it works out perfectly. I’m saving the money I earn so I can hopefully move out soon. I want to start working on finding out who I am without Jake, so if the time comes, I can give him me—all of me.

   Meanwhile, contrary to how our relationship ended, James is being a good guy. We did plan on going to college together, so I see him around campus and catch up with him every now and then. He’s the only one—a piece of my past—who understands and remembers my family the way I want to. He was a big part of my life, and for four years he was part of my family. He loved them, too, and for a while he felt too guilty to grieve them the way he should have. Girls ogle James when I’m with him, but it doesn’t bother me at all. Truthfully, James is a good-looking guy—but only to those who have never laid eyes on Jake Andrews.

           JAKE

           Every fucking day I have to wake up to her in her short shorts and tight shirt, hot as hell in the morning with her tired Bambi eyes.

   Every day she’s here, and I can’t have her.

   To have to be around the person you love, and not be able to love them, is the hardest thing to do.

   I hate college. I hate the never-ending pressure to be this hotshot. I hate the constant recognition from everyone because I can pitch a decent game. I hate the stupid, endless string of college parties I’m pressured into going to, and I hate the attention from all the other girls, when I only ever wanted just one—and she won’t have me. I hate the stupid classes and the stupid commitments, because they all keep me away from her. I’m so fucking close to throwing in the towel and going pro. But I don’t, because I know she won’t follow me.

   And none of this shit makes sense without her.

   Sometimes I see that scared little girl I saw when we pulled up to her parents’ house that night. I hate that she ever has to feel like that. I want to shut out the world around us and have us just be the way we are behind closed doors, where no one else can dictate who we are and what we feel. I just want her—my Kayla.

   Occasionally she’ll have lunch with that asshole James. I hate it so much, because he gives her something that I can’t. He gives her memories of her family and the times they shared. I hate that he loved them and I never can. I hate that they shared moments together and I never will. I hate that he taught Emily how to ride a bike, and I’ll never even get to meet her. I hate that I’ll never get to ask her dad’s permission when I propose to her (because I plan to one day). I hate that he’s allowed to miss them and I can’t, and I hate that he hurt her.

   But I can’t hate him, because he brought her to me.

   She says she still wants to move out—something about finding herself without me around. I keep my mouth shut, because I know it’s important to her, but I just don’t get it. I don’t understand why she wants to find herself without me there, when I plan on being a part of her life forever—when I love her so damn much, it hurts.

THIRTY-SEVEN

MIKAYLA

   I hear the front door swing open and Logan’s and Jake’s voices. I caught the bus to go home so I could get ready for work. My shift starts in fifteen minutes.

           “You tell her then, asshole,” Jake says. He’s pissed.

   I run out of my bedroom, hopping on one leg while I pull my other boot on. “Keys?” I say to Jake with my hand out. As Jake gives me his car keys, I look at Logan. He has that cat-that-ate-the-canary look. “Tell me what, Logan?”

   “It’s nothing.” He shrugs.

   “Logan here opened his big fat mouth and told the team I live off campus in my own house. So guess what? Now we’re stuck hosting a team ‘get-together’ tomorrow night.” Jake speaks for him.

   “Oh,” I say. That’s not so bad. “I’m working until ten tomorrow night, but I think I should be able to crash at Lucy’s,” I tell him, going through my purse to make sure I have everything.

   “What?” Jake says. “I don’t want you to not be here. This is your house, too, Kayla. I don’t want people to think this is party central.”

   “Chill the fuck out, dude. It’s not a big deal,” Logan reassures him.

JAKE

   It’s the night of the stupid “get-together.” Kayla left for work a couple of hours ago, wearing a light-gray sweater dress and cowboy boots. I let her take my car so she didn’t ride the bus like that. Then I made Logan drive me around to help me get ready for the party.

   Logan wanted a full-on blowout. I threatened to call the whole thing off when he begged to invite his entire frat house. Fuck no. So it’s just the guys from the team with their girls and our group.

   Logan borrowed a few kegs from someone in his frat, and Lucy and Heidi organized snacks. I really wasn’t up for this. I just wanted to spend the night at home with Kayla—maybe try to persuade her to let me reciprocate. God knows we need to do something about the tension in this house. I can’t even jerk off because she might hear or know somehow. I’ve been taking a lot—and I mean a lot—of cold showers.

   About two hours into the party, she walks in wearing that gray sweater dress and those cowboy boots, looking as hot as I’ve ever seen her. The guys cheer, and a couple of them even make their way over to her. I watch how she reacts. I don’t know if she’s still interested in what we have. I know how I feel. When she moves out of this house like she’s planning to, she’ll take a huge part of me with her.

   She waves shyly and gives a few of the guys a little hug—nothing that I need to worry about. She sees me leaning against the kitchen counter and saunters over, smiling. I grab a beer and hand it to her. “Hey,” she says, giving me a quick kiss on the cheek. She then turns and joins the party.

           MIKAYLA

           I walk into the living room. Jake watches me, leaning against the back of the sofa. He drinks his beer, his eyes never leaving mine. I stop in front of him and look up. He places a hand on my waist. “I’m heading to bed. I’m exhausted. I’ll see you in the morning?”

   He nods. He then takes my hand and leads me to my room. He closes the door behind him and stares at me. “You need to lock your door tonight, Kayla. Please?”

   I nod. He leans in and kisses my temple before leaving the room. I lock the door after him.

JAKE

   A few of the guys ended up crashing at the house, because they were too wasted to drive home. We’re all early risers because of our strict training schedule, so I make coffee and toast and leave a box of cereal out for them before they go. They’re respectful and quiet, because they know Kayla’s sleeping.