I throw my head back against the seat. "This is dumb, Luce. I'm not having this conversation."

"Fine," she murmurs, pulling out of the spot.

***

"Matt's been talking shit about your virgin ass."

I freeze with the burger halfway to my mouth. Glaring at Logan first, and then the entire cafeteria, I answer, "Matt can lick a shit stained ball sack."

Jake laughs, Logan—he just smirks. "You guys haven't... ?"

I sigh, dropping the burger on my tray and crossing my arms. "It's no one's business but ours. We don't have a problem with it so no one else should."

He nods slowly. "That's a long time."

"I thought I had it bad," Jake murmurs.

Logan scoffs. "Shut up with your self appointed vow of celibacy. No one gives a shit." He turns to me. "Cam though—"

"Shut up." I throw my burger at his head, but he ducks too fast and it hits the chick behind him.

The girl turns, her eyes narrowed. "Hey babe, you do something different with your face?" Logan says to her.

Her cheeks redden before she turns back around, giggling with all her little friends.

"You're fucked," I tell him.

He stretches his arms out. "At least one of us is."

Jake backhands Logan's chest before jerking his head to get my attention. "Are you guys waiting—for marriage I mean—because if so, that's cool. No judgement."

I shake my head. "No. It's not like that..." I lean forward on my elbows and move in so no one else can hear. They do the same. "She has this thing with vaginas."

Logan's eyes go huge. "You mean she likes them?"

I rear back. "What? No! What? No! Oh my God, no! She thinks they're weird."

Logan pulls away, his face a mixture of confusion and disappointment. "What the hell does that mean?"

Shrugging, I answer, "I have no idea. She doesn't want me to see it or touch it."

"You can't even look at it?" Dylan asks. I hadn't even realized he'd joined us.

I shake my head. "It's like she thinks it's the Bermuda triangle or something. She's too afraid to let anyone venture in or out."

We all laugh, but I cut mine off when I see her approaching. "Shut up, she's coming."

They do their best to stifle their laughs.

"Oh my God, babe, I'm so hungry." She sits on my lap and starts to pick at my food.

"So am I," Logan says. "You know what I'd love right now?" He looks around the table. "Tacos."

Jake covers his mouth to stop from spitting his drink. Once he's settled, he leans back in his chair. "You know what they have at Subway now? Ham Wallets."

Dylan pipes up. "I had to return this shirt at the store yesterday. It had wizard sleeves."

"What?" Lucy asks.

And then it hits me—what they're doing. "Shit."

"I know that store," Logan muses. "They have costumes right? I wanted to get this one of an axe wound."

They all crack up, unable to keep it in any longer.

"I hate that store." Jake this time. "It smells like clams."

I feel Lucy tense. "What the hell?" she whispers.

"Whispering eye," Logan sings, just as Heidi takes a seat.

"Meat curtains," Dylan deadpans.

"Coin purse." Jake again.

"Pink sink," Logan laughs.

Then Heidi speaks up. "Why are you all talking about vaginas?"

Lucy gasps loudly before turning to me. "You told them?" she squeals.

I shake my head, but my lips are clamped between my teeth and my face is red. I want to laugh. Oh my God, I need to laugh.

"Punaani," Logan shouts.

"Stop it!" Lucy deadpans. "It's not funny you guys! They're weird. And ugly. Really ugly!"

The others shake their heads at her. "No, they're not," Dylan says.

"I don't know." She eyes us all one by one, before leaning in and whispering, "What if I have a clitorusaurus-rex?"

***

She's leaning against my car waiting for me after school. "I'm going to the mall with Heidi."

"What?" I was smiling a second ago, and now I'm pissed. Not at her, but because Logan's right. About the being whipped thing. Not the sex. Maybe a little about the sex. "You never hang out with Heidi."

"I know." She shrugs.

I drop my bag and step forward, pushing her into my car. Holding her hand, I lift it and place it around my waist, then I drop my head on her shoulder and hope that no one else can hear me. "I feel like I haven't seen you in forever. I miss you."

She chuckles quietly. "We spent all of yesterday together."

"It's not enough."

She twists her finger through the hair below my cap. "Are you being needy?"

"Yes." I kiss her neck.

"I'll come by afterward."

"I can come with you."

She pulls back, her cheeks already red from her blush. "You can't, it's a girl thing."

My eyes narrow. "A girl thing?"

"She's taking me to clean up my wizard sleeve."

***

I don't know what the hell she means by cleaning up her wizard sleeve so I do what any normal teenage boy would do; I go home, run to my room, open my laptop and Google it. I'm on the third page of Google Images when I feel a hand on my shoulder. "Your mom has that landing strip thing."

I shut my laptop and dry heave. No joke. I run to the bathroom and bend over the toilet, trying to mentally remove my mom's landing strip from all the vaginas I've just seen.

Mark leans against the doorframe with his arms crossed and a smirk on his face.

"You're an asshole."

"I try." He shrugs. "Let me guess, you’re going to call it research?"

I stand up and wipe the spit off my chin. "Lucy—" I cut myself off. "Never mind."

"You sure? All jokes aside, if you need to talk about it, I'm here."

I eye him as I pass, looking for any hint of mockery. Mockery? Is that even a word?

Throwing myself on the bed, I cover my eyes with my arm, and then I tell him.

Everything.

Even about the now infamous clitorusaurus-rex.

He listens the entire time, never interrupting. When I'm done, he lets out a breath with a whoosh. "You're on your own, buddy."

And then he leaves.

I just told him about my girlfriend's vagina-lock and all he does is leave.

"I'm never getting laid."

***

"I have a solution to your problems, Luce," Logan says.

It's been three days since Vaginagate and it's been the major topic of conversation during lunch. Everyone's talking about my girlfriend's vagina, and I haven't even seen it yet.

"What's that?" she asks.

"Liquid courage."

I should tell him to shut up, but he kind of has a point, and I'm not the only one that thinks so. Lucy slowly swivels on my lap, her eyebrow raised in question.

I shrug. We've never gone to parties together. I just assumed it wasn't her thing. Occasionally I'd go out with the boys and have a beer, then leave and find myself on her doorstep. After the fifth time, her dad stopped questioning it.