My heart stuttered for a fraction of a moment before kicking into warp speed at his close proximity. The tantalizing smell of his cologne, which I had spent the last three hours trying to ignore, swirled around me like a blanket woven from countless memories. It was his scent. It didn’t matter that millions of men probably owned the same cologne. On him it smelled different. I knew this because back in my pain-filled road to recovery, I had made the forty-five-minute drive to the mall outside Woodfalls and purchased a bottle of it. Unable to wait until I got home, I had sprayed my jacket, wanting that small part of him. I was bitterly disappointed that it wasn’t the same. Sitting across from him on the elevator floor, I couldn’t help breathing in, trying to brand the smell to my memory so maybe this time it wouldn’t leave me.

“What do you want to play?” Justin asked, shuffling the cards like he was a blackjack dealer in Vegas.

“Go Fish,” I teased, laughing outright at his look of dismay.

“Not funny,” he claimed. “If I never play another hand of Go Fish, I’ll die a happy person.”

“Oh, that’s right. You don’t like Go Fish,” I commented in a voice laced with false innocence.

“You’d feel the same way if you were me. I swear Hollie made me play a million hands the week she was recovering from getting her appendix out when she was seven. Mom threw out all the decks of cards after that.”

“I remember you telling me. You always were a great big brother. Travis and Hollie are lucky to have you.”

“They’re good kids. Well, I guess they’re really not kids anymore. Hollie would have my head if she heard me referring to her in that capacity. I haven’t seen a whole lot of them these past six months,” he said, shuffling the cards again.

“You don’t still live at home with them?” I asked, surprised. I just assumed nothing had changed in my absence, which was silly of course. Just because I was no longer there didn’t mean time had stood still.”

“Nah, once Mom married Paul I was no longer needed at home.”

“What? When? Your mom married Paul.” I said the last part as a statement. I’d met Paul only once, since he and Trish had just started seeing each other right before our relationship had gone to crap. He was the new single parent who had moved in next door right after Christmas. Hollie had been ecstatic when she found out he had two kids, including a daughter her age.

“Yeah, right after Christmas last year. Exactly one year after their first date.”

“Oh boy,” I muttered, snickering at how cliché it seemed.

“You never were one to overromanticize things,” Justin commented as a smirk spread across his face.

“I’m not the only one. If memory serves, you mocked such rituals yourself.”

“Can you blame a guy? I’m not against romantic gestures, but if you’re going to do something, do it right. Go big or go home,” he said. “Anyway, once Paul moved in with Brady and Andrea, the house became pretty crowded. Travis took over my basement and I moved out.”

His words faded as I focused on his previous romantic gestures comment. Go big or go home. He had done that once. One grand romantic gesture that had stolen my heart completely and left me breathless. I wondered if that moment crossed his mind as he told the story of Paul and his mother. Only in my loneliest self-pitying moods did I allow myself to ever think about it.

20.

Christmas 2010

“I’m going to miss you,” Melissa cried, wrapping me in a tight hug.

“Mel, it’s only three and a half weeks.” I focused on breathing since she had her arms around my neck like a drowning victim.

“Almost four weeks,” she sniffled.

“Oh my. You are very dramatic today. What’s the real issue? Are you sad you’re leaving Rob for the next few weeks?

“Yes,” she wailed.

At least I had gotten to the root of the problem. “Why didn’t you ask him to go with you?”

“I didn’t want to appear needy and clingy,” she replied, sniffing loudly.

“Honey, I think that ship has sailed,” I told her, pointing to the I Love Rob shrine on the bulletin board above her desk.

“Hey, I like to save everything,” she protested, looking at her board with misty eyes.

“Sweets, you’re a mess. Maybe you should compromise and see if he wants to spend New Year’s with you,” I said cheerfully.

“You’re only so cheerful because you get to spend all four weeks with your boyfriend,” she said wistfully.

“Three and a half weeks,” I corrected, trying not to smile. She was right, though. I was over the moon about spending the next few weeks with Justin without any interference. No studying, no exams, no classes, and no deadlines. My classes over the last few weeks had consumed every waking hour, including the majority of my sleeping hours. Every second was spent preparing for finals. The last exam had ended sixteen hours ago. I celebrated by stumbling across campus in a fog before crashing into my bed for fifteen hours of much-needed sleep. Finally, I no longer resembled a zombie and could be accepted back into humanity. More importantly, I was ready to spend time with Justin. Seeing him for only a handful of hours during the last few weeks had sucked. If I didn’t miss him so much, I might have been concerned at my growing codependency on him. Either way, I was shocked at how well our relationship had been progressing. Since our blowup three weeks ago, we had grown even closer. Now, almost two months into my longest relationship ever, I couldn’t help feeling almost giddy.

“You don’t think it’s too forward?” Melissa asked.

“Not at all. Asking him to come for New Year’s is the best of both worlds. You’ll get to spend Christmas with your family and New Year’s with your boyfriend.”

“Good point,” she squealed, pulling her phone from her pocket. Her tears dried up as she hastily called Rob. I had done my job.

Shaking my head at her quick rebound, I headed to the bathroom to get ready before Justin arrived to pick me up. I could hear Melissa’s excited chatter through the door. By the sounds of it, Rob was obviously receptive to her invitation. Pleased with my good deed, I switched on the shower, grabbing the cashmere-scented gel from the Bath & Body Works gift basket Melissa had given me for Christmas. She knows me so well, I thought as I inhaled the heavenly scent.

By the time I returned, our room was empty. I found a note from Melissa on my desk wishing me a happy holiday and instructing me to text or call if I needed anything. She was sweet. I pulled out my suitcase from under my bed. After many back-and-forth texts, Justin had convinced me to spend the holidays at his house since my building would be closed to students for the break. My original plan was to sublet a room off campus from a friend who was going home for the holidays. It was a win-win situation for her. Spend the holidays at home, while she earned a little spending cash by renting her room for a few weeks. It would have put a strain on my cash surplus, but spending the entire three weeks with Justin and his family bordered on crazy. Eventually, he wore me down. I couldn’t deny I was happy about my decision. Honestly, the idea of rooming with some other poor sap who didn’t have the funds to go home for the holidays held little appeal.

It took less than an hour to finish packing. Knowing I needed to eat a little crow, I decided to call my mom before Justin arrived to try to make amends for not coming home for the holidays.

She picked up the phone after one ring, like she had been waiting for my call.

“Hey, Mom.”

“Brittni, why did it take this long for you to call me?” she said shortly.

“I know, I’m sorry. I just had a lot of loose ends to tie up before they lock this place down,” I said, pacing the floor.

“Sorry enough to fly home to your poor lonely mom?” she sniffed.

“I would if I could, Mom, but we discussed this, right? I’m seriously behind in some of my classes. If I want to keep my grades up, I need to buckle down.”

“Why are you behind? Have you met someone?” she probed.

I closed my eyes, counting to five before answering. “No, Mom, I haven’t met anyone,” I lied. “The classes I’m taking are just very time-consuming.”

“I just don’t see why you can’t work here. Honey, it’s Christmas and I haven’t seen you since summer break.”

“I know, Mom, but that would mean me lugging all my textbooks home and all my study materials. I have everything I need here, including the library if I need anything else.”

I could hear her long sigh of acceptance. I felt guilty lying to her and almost changed my mind.

“Besides, Mom, I wouldn’t be any fun holed up in my room the whole time. I’d just wind up feeling guilty.”

“I would understand,” she said halfheartedly.

“No, you wouldn’t, and I wouldn’t blame you. That’s why it’s best if I just stay here.” She remained silent for a moment. I couldn’t tell if she was crying or just trying to think of something else to say to try to convince me to come. “Look, Mom. It’s not like college will last forever. Maybe I can come home for spring break.”

“No maybes about it. You will come home for spring break,” she insisted. “I guess maybe I could go see Suzie and Steve in Arizona,” she finally conceded.

“I think that’s a great idea. Why don’t you give Suzie a call now?” I said, relieved we had reached a compromise.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay all alone during the holiday? I feel bad at the idea of my baby alone on Christmas.”

“I’ll be fine, Mom. I’ll be so brain-fried from schoolwork I probably won’t even notice. If I get lonely, I’ll see if a few of the other students sticking around want to see a movie or something,” I said.

“You’re sure?”

“Positive. Now call Suzie,” I ordered.

“Fine, but I expect calls from you nightly.”

“Mom,” I warned.

“Fine. Every couple of days, so I know you’re okay.”

“Fair enough. I love you, Mom.”

“I love you too, sweetie. Be safe.”

“You too,” I said, ending the call. I felt guilty for lying about Justin, but that was a subject I didn’t have the time or patience to tackle right now.

By the time Justin arrived, I was lying on my bed trying to read. Unfortunately, the effects of talking to my mom tended to linger for a while, making it hard to concentrate.

“Look at you,” he commented. “I thought you’d be done with books for a while.”

“Not this kind of book,” I said, holding up the racy cover for him to see.

“Hey now. Maybe I need to borrow that.”

“I don’t know if it’s appropriate for your virgin eyes. It’s pretty steamy,” I teased.

“Well, bring it along anyway. There may be some stuff in there I can use.”

Justin hauled my bags into the hallway while I gave my room the once-over to make sure I had everything I needed. The building was eerily quiet as we made our way down to the first floor.

“Man, it’s like a ghost town here,” Justin commented, holding the entryway door open for me.

“Yeah. I think Melissa and I were the last to leave. It was like the school announced the building had the bubonic plague or something with the way everyone scattered after exams ended.”

“Is your mom still mad you decided not to come home?”

“No. I think she bought my excuse that I needed to be here.”

“You know, I would have helped buy your plane ticket so you could have gone home,” Justin said, stowing my suitcase in the back of the jeep.

“It wasn’t the money. Mom would have bought my ticket if I had asked. It’s just—when I made the decision to attend UW, I didn’t want to fly home for every break. I went last year, but you heard how much she and I aggravated each other. It’s better to save the six hundred dollars for a plane ticket and we can video chat on the phone instead. Besides, I kinda got the vibe after talking to her a little while ago that she’s thinking of flying to Arizona to see my aunt and uncle,” I said, fastening my seat belt. “It’ll be good for her if she does. I think a few weeks away from Woodfalls is just what she needs.” I smiled.

“She can’t be nearly as bad as you make her sound,” Justin chuckled as we headed out of the city.

“Well, her nicknames are: Creeper, Stalker, Enquirer, Lurker, Peeping Pam, and many more.”

“Peeping Pam? That one’s pretty funny,” he laughed.

“Yeah, that one is courtesy of Tressa.”

“Now that’s a girl I want to meet.”

“She’s one-of-a-kind, that’s for sure. So, how was your humanities exam?” I asked, changing the subject. Just the mention of Tressa made me feel terribly homesick. Facebook and texting didn’t suffice when it came to best friends.

“Like seagulls were pecking my eyeballs out.”

“That bad?”

“Mr. Rucker is such a windbag. We spent months taking notes on every dribble of crap that left his mouth since he warned us at the beginning of the term that notes were the key to success in his class. I spent hours with my study group going over all that crap, and would you believe only two questions out of fifty were in our notes? Two! Who does that?” Justin said, holding up two fingers in frustration.

“That sucks. Do you think you failed?”

“God, I hope not. If I have to take an extra semester of humanities, I’ll jump off a ferryboat and hope another one runs me over,” he said, shuddering at the thought. “What about you?”

“I think I did okay on all of mine. I might have screwed up some of the equations in statistics, but seriously, they were ridiculous. I’ll eat my entire textbook the day I actually use any of that kind of math,” I grumbled. “I plan on teaching third grade, for crap’s sake.”

“Well, at least they’re behind us now,” he said.

“Truth. Is Hollie excited about Christmas?” I asked, pulling the conversation away from school.

“You have no idea. She’s channeling Tigger at the moment, bouncing around everywhere.”

“Tigger?” I asked confused.

“Yeah. You know, from Winnie the Pooh,” he said at my puzzled expression. “You don’t know who Tigger is?” he asked, like I’d just told him I didn’t know who the president was.