But then I remember what Mandy did to Cush.

How it wasn’t his fault. How Mandy kept lying even when confronted with the truth.

I put my face in my hands.

Trying to let it sink in.

You have to trust the people that you love.

I didn’t trust Aiden.

And now he has a broken nose because of it.

I slowly get up, walk out the door in a daze, and stand in front of Aiden’s door.

My phone vibrates. "Yeah?"

"Where are you?"

"Standing outside your door trying to decide—"

His door swings open.

"Your face looks horrible!" I blurt out.

I want to kiss his swollen nose, the black circle under one eye, and the slightly yellow circle under the other.

"Come in, please. Obviously, we need to talk."

“Are you okay?”

“I’ve had better days.”

I look down at the floor and say quietly, “Me too.”

We both stand here awkwardly. I’m waiting for him to say something. When he doesn’t, I confess, “Bryce just told me that you might not know what happened. What Chelsea told me. Why Riley punched you.”

“Please tell me.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter. We’ve been working on our foundation . . .”

“This was a lot more than a text.”

“I would hope so, but I need to know what she told you.”

“She said she wanted me to know, um, that you hooked up last night and that I should go back to California . . .” I stop and close my eyes. I’m trying hard not to cry. “Because no one here likes me. And when I told her I didn’t believe her . . .”

“Wait. You didn’t believe her?”

“No. Not at first.”

“What did she say to make you believe it? What tore it all down?”

“She told me that you used to date. That you broke up after prom, and how you’ve been trying to get back together with her all semester . . . And . . . And . . .That I was just a rebound.”

“And now you know that’s not true? That she really cheated on me. That I’d never do that to you.”

I can’t do this. I can’t sit here and talk about this.

“I have to go, Aiden.”

He grabs my hands. “Please don’t go.”

“Last night, I thought you would come apologize. I kept waiting.”

“I’m not going to apologize for telling you no. And I’m not the one who acted like a spoiled little brat who didn’t get her way.”

“If that’s what you think about me—that I only wanted to unzip your pants because I wanted to get my way—then you should go back to Chelsea.”

“This isn’t about her, it’s about us.”

“There is no more us, Aiden.”

“What do you mean?”

“I can’t do this anymore. You’re not the boss of me or the boss of our relationship. And I’m not going to apologize for being attracted to you or for wanting you. I want a good relationship. One where two people can discuss how they’re feeling without it always ending in a fight. Without someone storming off.”

“You did that last night.”

“Yeah, because I couldn’t take you rejecting me one more time.”

“Do you think it’s been easy for me? I’m doing it for you. Because you need to go slow.”

I shake my head and turn toward the door. But then I pause and turn back around. “Why do you think I need to go slow?”

“Because the last two guys you’ve been with, that you loved, hurt you. I want to be the guy that doesn’t hurt you.”

“But you’re hurting me right now. You have no idea how bad this hurt me.”

“Keatyn, all your past relationships have been based on sex. And I want—”

“No! You stop there. That's bullshit! You don’t know anything!” I clutch my chest and start crying even harder. “I loved the Keats guy. He was my friend for two years. Our relationship was never based on sex. Don’t you ever say it was! And I'm sick of you judging me. Especially you. I know you had lots of relationships based on sex last year and you hooked up with girls you didn’t even care about. So, stop pretending this is about me. Stop trying to make me pay for my past and start looking at your own.”

“Says the girl who’s still sleeping with Dawson.”

“What?! What are you even talking about? I haven't done anything, not even kissed Dawson, since, since . . . like, before Halloween. I chose you.”

Aiden’s eyes get big. Then he winces from the pain of moving them.

“But . . . but, you’ve been hanging out with him.”

“Only because we’re trying to stay friends.”

He slowly drops to his bed. “Don't you think maybe you should’ve told me that?”

“I would have, but you told me we were going at our own pace. That you didn't want to compare the relationships.”

“I didn't know,” he says quietly.

“It doesn’t really matter, Aiden. We didn’t trust each other. I should’ve known that you would never do that to me, and you should’ve known that I was just sexually frustrated and that when I said I was done that I didn’t mean it.”

I don’t want to do this.

I do not want to do this.

But I have to.

I have to protect what’s left of my heart.

I remember when he brought me cake. How I saw our future.

How I told myself I couldn’t do it. That I couldn’t give him my heart.

How if Dawson had the potential to break my heart, crack it in two, Aiden has the power to annihilate it.

I got a glimpse of that power today.

Of his potential to destroy me.

And after everything that’s happened to me.

I know I’m not strong enough to survive it.

So I have to do what’s best for both of us.

I have to walk away.

“Goodbye, Aiden.”

I walk down the stairs and through the first floor hallway in a haze of tears.

And find myself in front of Dawson’s door.

I stand here for a minute and think about knocking.

It would be so easy to just knock on his door.

To tell him it’s over.

To get whatever I wanted.

But my wanting to do more sexually wasn’t about just getting my way.

It was about more.

It was about a lot more.

And because of that, I can’t knock on Dawson’s door.

Even though it would be so easy.

Sunday, November 20th

Washes it away.

8pm

I don’t leave my room today.

I just lie on my bed and stare at the beach on my wall.

The girls don’t understand why I’m still so upset.

But they don’t know what I felt when Chelsea told me.

They don’t know the crushing, twisting, burning, painful things her words made me feel.

They don’t know that I’m not what I seem.

They don’t know the truth about me.

About what I’ve been through.

About what I’m still going through.

How often I have to pretend like everything is okay when I’m so scared.

When it feels like everything is falling apart.

Me getting mad at Aiden for rejecting me wasn’t just about him saying no.

It was me reacting to being told no about everything.

No, you can’t talk to your friends.

No, you can’t get on social media.

No, you can’t stay here.

No, you can’t tell anyone.

No, he’ll find you.

No, you won’t get so lucky the next time.

No, you can’t see your family.

Because even your own family is afraid of you.

Tears fall endlessly down my face.

I want to build a mansion of love with Aiden more than anything.

But I’ve built enough sand castles to know.

We’d be building that foundation on sand.

And the water always washes it away.

Monday, November 21st

Revenge sex is sweet.

History

I slump down into my seat in history. I’m wearing my gold sparkly game day outfit even though it’s not an actual game day. Tomorrow is the playoff game and because we have to leave school early to get there, we’re having the pep rally today.

I’m starting to get sick of pep rallies.

“I take it you and Aiden didn’t make up,” Riley says.

“No. We’re done.”

“You look like shit.”

“I feel like shit.”

“He looks like shit too. I feel bad.”

“What promise did he break, Riley?”

Riley shakes his head. “It doesn’t really matter now.”

“It does matter. Please tell me.”

“He promised me that he’d never hurt you.”

My hand goes to my stomach, like Riley just punched me. Because that’s sort of what it felt like. A punch to the gut.

I stare at him for a minute before I cover my face with my hands and cry silently.

Riley drops me off outside my English class.

I’m never early for class, but today I’m the first one in my seat.

The teacher walks in, looks at me funny, and then says, “We’re going to do something fun today. Would you mind putting one of these handouts on each desk?”

“Sure,” I reply, glad for something to keep me busy.

I’m just finishing when Dallas and Katie walk in and sit down. Katie’s face looks flushed and happy.

“Bryce walk you to class?” I ask her.

She smiles a huge grin as Dallas says, “They were making out in the hallway.”

“I heard you were making out—well, more than that—with someone yesterday,” she teases him back.

“Revenge sex is sweet, especially when it’s with her best friend,” Dallas says, sitting up straighter. But then he looks at me. “Um, except you shouldn’t do that, Kiki. I mean, you know. I just . . .”

“I’m not having revenge sex, Dallas. I’m not having any sex. I may move to France to join a nunnery.”

He hits my shoulder. “I don’t think they’ll let girls with stripper names into the nunnery.”

His comment makes me smile and even laugh a little.

I love Dallas.

“Do you remember that first day?” I ask him. “When you were trying to think up a nickname for me? It was right before . . .”

The smile fades from my face and I drop my chin to my chest.

“It’ll be okay,” Dallas says. “Are you really going on break by yourself? You can come home with me.”

“You could come home with me too,” Katie says. “You’re more than welcome.”

“I appreciate that, guys. But the house that I’m staying at has really good memories for me. It’s a place that I hope will help . . .”

“Help what?”

“Heal me, maybe. I’m not sure. And it’s not like I’ll be completely alone. There’s a full staff. I’ll be waited on hand and foot. Mabel will make me her famous pecan pie. We’ll cook a turkey.”

“And you’ll eat it alone?”

“Probably, yes.”

They both look at me with pity.

“Don’t worry about me. My mom goes to the spa by herself all the time. That’s what it’s going to be like for me. A spa retreat. And I’m looking forward to getting my tan back.”

“You don’t have to be alone, Keatyn,” Dallas says. “What if I came with you? Maybe Riley could come too. We’d have fun.”

“I appreciate the offers more than you know, but I really need to go alone.”

Can’t deal.

Math

In math class, Logan tries to reason with me.

“Will you just talk to him?”

“We already talked.”

“He’s miserable. You’re miserable.”

“He’ll get over it.”

“I’m not sure that he will.”

“I’m not sure that I will either.”

“See, that makes no sense. He’s the good prince, Keatyn.”

“I know he is.”

I close my eyes and shake my head, just as I get called to the office over the loud speaker.

I grab my bag and head to the office.

But the closer I get, the weirder I feel.

The hairs on the back of my neck are standing on end. My stomach feels tied up in knots.

No, I don’t feel weird. I feel worried.

Make that scared.

Is Vincent here? Did Annie not listen?

I don’t go to the office. Instead, I text Cooper.

Me: Are you in class?

Cooper: Yes.

Me: I just got called to the office. I’m afraid to go. What if someone contacted him?

Cooper: Go somewhere (not your dorm) and hide. I’ll go find out.

I immediately turn around and run as fast as I can to the chapel.

When I get there, I find Aiden sitting in a pew. Our pew.

The door slams behind me, causing him to turn around.

“What are you doing here?” I ask him.

“Just thinking.”

“You looked like you were praying. Is your mom okay?”

“She’s fine. Thanks for asking.”

I sit down next to him. I know the place is full of empty pews. I could choose any one of them, but I don’t. I’ll always be drawn to his side.

“You haven’t answered any of my phone calls or texts. Have you read them?”