Bonnie had been right. The red was beautiful.

“Do it,” Ben told himself again, watching. But he didn’t cut. He was too fucking weak. Weaker than his fourteen-year-old sister had been when she’d cut herself.

“Hurting makes it go away.”

Ben needed it to go away.

“Help me, Benny.”

He needed to help his sister, too.

Ben looked up. Saw the girl with the red jacket standing beside him. The him watching the real Ben who kneeled on the floor.

Ben shoved to his feet at that. Kept the piece of glass in his hand, and walked out of the hotel room.

CHAPTER FIFTY

He couldn’t find her. No matter how hard Ben looked, he couldn’t find her.

Ben continued to stumble through the dark park, glass in his right hand. It dug into his skin. He felt blood drip but it wasn’t enough. It was never enough. That’s why Bonnie went as far as she did, right? She needed more and more to feel it the same way Ben had with the sex.

He heard nothing but his pulse pound in his ear. Felt nothing.

And he needed to feel. If he couldn’t save Bonnie, he needed to feel.

Ben kept going, pushed on, until he found what he was looking for.

It was easy to get hurt in the city. Go to the wrong area. Talk to the wrong people. If Ben wasn’t strong enough to do it to himself, he would find someone who could...and this time, Dante wasn’t here to save him.

Dante...

The glass went into his left hand. He ran at the group of men. Swung his fist, cold-clocking one of them.

Back to the right with the glass, Ben held it up so they could see. They laughed the way he wanted them to. Charged the way he wanted them to.

Fists rained down on him, to the head, stomach, back, anywhere they could hit.

There was no one here to stop them this time. No one here to save him, or keep them from taking it too far.

Bonnie was right. It helped. There was nothing else. Nothing but the pain. It wiped everything else away.

He fell to the ground. Took a kick to the stomach. Heaved. Pain shot through him and Ben started to laugh. It only made them beat harder, hit harder. Make everything else go away.

That’s when he saw her there. It was the red jacket that caught his attention. The girl—or Bonnie, he didn’t know who stood by the tunnel. Abel’s tunnel, watching. He didn’t know if it was real or not.

She had her hand to her mouth in fear, and Ben suddenly felt something besides the pain. Besides the beating he took.

Regret.

Guilt.

He didn’t want her to see this. Didn’t want her to hurt...but she had hurt, hadn’t she? She’d always hurt.

“Help me, Benny,” she whispered, pulling him closer, hugging him tighter. “Help me make it go away. You’re the only one who can make me feel better. Hurting makes it go away. If you love me, you’ll do it. Don’t you love me? I just want to make these feelings go away. I just want to feel loved.”

That was where the dream always stopped, where the memories stopped until he was there with the knife, giving it to Bonnie. Crying the whole time, only wanting to help.

This time, it didn’t stop though. As Ben hurt, as he bled, memories slammed into him. Made him gasp. Filled his brain, leaving him with nothing but the truth.

Bonnie’s hand slid up Ben’s shirt. He paused, not sure what his sister was doing. She rubbed him there, and he thought maybe that was okay. She just wanted to be close to him. It was like a back rub, only on his chest. People gave back rubs all the time.

“I don’t know what I would do without you, Benny.”

More tears fell onto his face, Bonnie’s tears. Ben just wanted to make them go away. Wanted to make her better. Wanted her to know he loved her.

“I love you. I’ll always love you.”

And then she smiled. It was the first time he’d seen his sister smile in so long.

Ben’s body tensed up as she moved toward him. What was she doing?

She kissed his lips quickly. That was okay. Like a good night kiss.

But then she kissed him again. Her hand moved up his chest, landing on his heart.

Ben started crying then too, he didn’t know what to do. This didn’t feel okay. It didn’t feel right but she was his sister. He didn’t want to hurt her. He just wanted her to be better.

Her tongue touched his lips, tried to push in and Ben’s whole body seized up. Froze. What was she doing? He didn’t understand.

Just as Ben went to push her away, Bonnie did it for him. She jerked back, more tears then he’d ever seen running down her face.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry,” she repeated the same words over and over. Ben pushed himself up so he leaned against her headboard, his arms wrapped around his knees. Crying. He’d failed her. He’d let her down.