Now I was seeing it was a huge mistake. Because I had effectively robbed myself of the one thing that had ever made me happy.

I finally understood all too well what people meant when they say the path to hell is paved with good intentions. Because I was stuck in the middle of my own personal purgatory.

People started to find their seats and I realized the service was about to begin. So I went to join Ruby and Lisa’s parents at the front of the church. She reached over and grabbed ahold of my hand when I sat down and we held onto each other as the minister began his sermon about the beauty of heaven and Lisa entering God’s Kingdom. What a bunch of sanctimonious bullshit. Lisa would have hated every minute of this over indulgent, trite nonsense.

But funerals were for the living and really had nothing to do with the person who died. They were meant to give those left behind some sort of solace. But I found none. I just felt empty.

Looking over at Ruby, with her head bowed low, her hair obscuring her face I knew she was feeling the exact same way. How do you go on living when the love of your life was gone?

I looked over my shoulder, taking in the row after row of people come to pay their respects. Lisa’s family, her friends, her co-workers. And my eyes rested on Maggie. She was listening to the minister with an unreadable expression on her face.

As though she could feel me looking, her gaze met mine. Her eyes were wet, I could see it from here. But one thing was for certain; those eyes of hers had always been my undoing.

I had to look away. My heart felt too full in my chest and I could barely breathe. So I tried to focus on the rest of the service. Before I knew it, it was over and people were filing out of the church. Ruby clutched my arm as I led her out the side door and toward my car.

“How are you holding up?” I asked quietly into her ear as I opened up the passenger side door. Ruby shook her head, letting out a muffled sob as she sank into the leather seat. I closed the door behind her with a soft click and went around to the driver’s side.

And then we made our way to the cemetery to put Lisa into the ground. Ruby said nothing, lost in her own world. And I had never felt more alone.

Chapter Twelve

-Maggie-

God, that was horrible.

The crying, the misery. It was like a knife to my heart. Ruby’s grief had torn me apart. The once infectiously happy, she had now been reduced to the blank woman standing beside an open hole in the earth.

And Clay. He had his arm around his aunt, holding her up as they slowly lowered Lisa’s casket into the ground. People were singing Amazing Grace as the box containing Lisa’s body descended and finally disappeared.

Death was an unfeeling bitch. It didn’t matter who you were, who loved you, it struck mercilessly and without discrimination. I had never really experienced death. I was lucky in that respect. I wasn’t able to fully understand how gut-wrenching it was.

But watching Ruby and Clay, I felt for the first time how terrifying and lonely it was. I hadn’t known Lisa nearly as long as they had but I felt her death deeply. And knowing how it would affect the two people trying so hard to hold it together across from me, I wasn’t sure there was any coming back from that.

After dirt was tossed down into the hole, everyone began to disperse. I wanted to go over to Clay again. I wanted to be there for him so badly. I couldn’t stand the look of anguish on his face. It broke my heart all over again.

“Come on, Maggie.” Rachel tugged on my arm and I tore my eyes away from Clay, who still stood with Ruby, staring at the ground where Lisa now rested.

“Yeah, okay,” I said, walking with them down the rows of head stones. Each step taking me farther and farther from Clay, yet again. Why did I feel this separation even greater than the last one? I had barely spoken to him, but it felt fundamentally wrong to leave him when he was hurting like that.

I had been so sure I could come here today, give my condolences and be strong enough not to be affected by him and his pain. I really should have known better. Because when it came to Clay, there was never a choice but to be with him.

“Your dad and I have to run to the grocery store. We’ll meet you at home, okay?” my mom said, pulling me into a hug.

“Okay. I’ll see you later,” I said as she touched my cheek lovingly.

“You are such an amazing girl Maggie May Young. And I’m so proud to be your mom,” she told me gently. I smiled.

“Thanks Mom. I think I’m pretty amazing too,” I quipped. My dad laughed beside me and ruffled my hair.

“Always so modest,” he teased, moving in for his hug.

After they left I turned to Rachel and Daniel who were talking quietly by Rachel’s car. “Do you have any plans this afternoon?” I asked them as I climbed into the backseat. Rachel turned around in her seat.

“Nope, we’re all yours girl. What do you have in mind? You want to give Jake a call and see that movie? It might be good for you,” Rachel suggested and I grimaced. That was not what I had in mind at all. I wonder if they’d be cool with the plans I had decided on.

“Uh, no. I was thinking we could head over to Ruby’s. You know, for the family and friends thing,” I said quickly. Daniel ran his hand through his hair and looked at me with obvious frustration.

“Do you think that’s really a good idea, Mags? I mean come on. That’s just opening up a load of bullshit.” I tensed at his tone and dug my nails into my palm. It was either that or slap his face.

But then Rachel surprised me. “Give it a rest, Danny. She knows how we feel about things. But if this is what she needs to do, then that’s where we’re going.” She turned in her seat and put the keys in the ignition.