“I just didn’t think I’d be up to it after this afternoon, alright?” I said defensively, sitting down on the edge of my bed, careful not to crease my skirt. Rachel and Daniel looked at one another and I could interpret all too well their silent communication.

“Mags, come on, I think it will be good for you to get out tonight,” Daniel said gently, moving clothes off of my vanity stool so Rachel could sit down. I sighed, really hoping that they would just let it drop. But seeing the firm set of Danny’s jaw, I knew they wouldn’t.

“Is this about Jake? Because I only agreed to go with him because he sort of wore me down. I don’t really like him like that…” I started and Danny shook his head.

“This has absolutely nothing to do with Jake and absolutely f**king everything to do with Clay,” he bit out angrily. Whoa, where was this coming from?

“Danny,” Rachel warned quietly. I looked between the two of them, getting frustrated by their complete lack of faith in me.

“Look you two, stop freaking out about this. I will tell you the same thing I told my parents, it’s a funeral. I will be going to pay my respects to Lisa. Who happens to be someone I had come to care a lot about. Stop making this all about Clay, it’s ridiculous and more than a little disrespectful,” I scolded them.

Rachel had the decency to look contrite. Daniel on the other hand simply stared back at me belligerently. “Don’t act like seeing Clay won’t f**k with your head, Mags. You forget it was Rachel and I who sat here day after day while you totally fell apart over that guy. I feel bad for him. I know this is hard on him. But I wish like hell he wasn’t here. Because I’m worried what this will do to you.” I bit my tongue on the hateful comment that wanted to fly out of my mouth.

“Jeeze, give me a little credit here. You’re making me feel really pathetic,” I mumbled. Rachel shot a dark look at her boyfriend before turning to me.

“We don’t mean to make you feel that way. And what Daniel was so ineloquently trying to say, was that we’re just worried.” I threw my hands up in the air in frustration.

“Stop worrying!” I said louder than I meant to.

Daniel crossed the room and put his arm around my shoulder. He stooped down to kiss my cheek. “Not possible, babe. We love you,” he said warmly and any irritation I was feeling melted away. Damn Daniel Lowe and his stupid considerate ass.

“I love you too, you f**kwad,” I grumbled, elbowing him in the side. And I knew that I was lucky to have so many people that loved me. I just wish Clay were so lucky.

Chapter Eleven

-Clay-

The couch was starting to kill my back. Three nights of sleeping on the lumpy cushions and I would be walking hunched over all day. Okay, so yes I had a perfectly good bed upstairs in my room but I had yet to go up there.

So maybe I was a coward, but I just wasn’t ready to open the door and be confronted with the thousands of memories within those four walls. Being back in Davidson was hard enough. Every street, every shop, every stupid tree carried with it a dozen memories of the person I left behind. And it seriously sucked. I really wanted to leave. This was much harder than I had thought it would be.

I had known it was going to be tough. Ruby’s grief was hard to watch. She was barely eating and I knew she wasn’t sleeping. I could hear her pacing the floors upstairs all night. It seemed to take everything out of her to get dressed in the morning.

My overzealous aunt had been reduced to this person completely devoid of life. And if she wasn’t handling Lisa’s death well, what chance did I have?

I had spoken to Dr. Todd every day, just as promised. He didn’t sound particularly concerned when I mentioned how difficult this trip was turning out to be. He just let me process and reviewed my coping skills with me. Though yesterday he suggested calling twice a day instead of once. He had also encouraged me to talk to Jean, my substance abuse counselor at the center.

I hadn’t done that yet. I was feeling overly shrinked as it was. And today I needed to focus on Ruby and the funeral and getting through it without doing something stupid.

Because every night I lay on the couch, listening to the sounds of Ruby’s footsteps and I wanted to scream. I was just so f**king angry. Angry with Lisa for falling asleep behind the wheel. Angry with Ruby for falling apart like she was. Angry with myself for feeling all the above.

I wanted to cut myself so badly that I could taste it. There were times I’d find myself in the kitchen, my fingers aching to reach for a knife or the pair of scissors. Forcing myself to leave the room and get away from what taunted me was getting harder and harder to do. I usually ended up pulling out my journal and spending hours writing in it. Okay, so maybe it wasn’t a completely useless exercise because it did help (something I would never say aloud).

But I was exhausted and feeling a little sick. I had so much to do today. I needed to get down to the church in a few hours to make sure everything was set up. The funeral director would be handling most of the arrangements, but I wanted to make sure it was all as it needed to be. After the church, there would be a grave side service, followed by a friends and family gathering here.

I had worked my ass off to clean the place up. A caterer would be here later to drop off food. I had planned it all down to the tiniest detail. Keeping myself busy helped some. I was able to turn off the emotions that otherwise would have flayed me alive. I was driving on auto pilot for now and I was happy to do so.

I had time later to deal with my own grief. Right now it was all about taking care of Ruby and getting through the day.