After loading myself up with an armful of books, I made my way to the front counter. The shop was quiet, only a few other customers roamed about. Ruby reached out to take the books. “Wow, you really loaded up.” She proceeded to drop them into a plastic bag and hand it to me without ringing them up.

“Uh, didn’t you forget the whole paying part?” I laughed, pulling my wallet out of my messenger bag. Ruby waved my money away.

“You are absolutely not paying for a thing. I’ve missed you, Maggie. Consider this a happy as pie to see you gift.” Ruby’s wide smile made it hard to argue. Though I made a good show of grumbling.

“I want to pay, Ruby. Come on,” I urged, still trying to shove some cash in her hand. She curled my fingers around the money and squeezed.

“This is also my way of saying thank you,” she said quietly. I swallowed thickly.

“Thank you?” I asked weakly, though I knew instantly what she was getting at.

“Yes, Maggie. Thank you for being the loyal, amazing girl that you are. And for loving my boy the way you did.” Her eyes sparkled with the strength of her words and I had to blink rapidly or I would start crying.

I cleared my throat, feeling overwhelmed by emotion. Almost recklessly, I yanked my bag open and pulled out the wrapped package, laying it on the counter. I pushed it towards Ruby. “Here,” I said abruptly.

Ruby frowned and picked up the heavy gift. “What’s this?” she asked me, turning it over.

My hands were shaking so I shoved them in my coat pocket. I took a deep breath. “I ran into Lisa…” I began and Ruby nodded.

“Yes, she said she saw you,” Ruby admitted, watching me, waiting for me to explain what I had given her. I started to panic. Maybe this was a bad idea. I was just starting to try and put Clay in my rearview mirror. But here I was dredging everything up all over again, trying like hell to hold open a door that had shut firmly in my face.

I was either an idiot or a complete glutton for punishment. I was beginning to think I was a mixture of both.

“Uh, yeah, well that’s a gift for...Clay. For his birthday,” I let out in a rush. Ruby’s eyebrows rose and I could tell I had surprised her. “Well, Lisa said you were going to see him and I’ve had that for a few months now and it’s just collecting dust under my bed. And it’s not like I even know where to send the stupid thing, so I just thought you could give it to him. You know, because it’ll be his birthday and all,” I rambled on nervously.

I stopped before I could say anything else. Ruby watched me silently as I bit down on my lip, feeling ridiculously embarrassed. Yeah, this was stupid. Clay probably didn’t want a damn thing from me. I looked pathetic and sad and all the million and one things that I probably was.

I reached out to take the gift back. “It was a stupid idea. Never mind,” I mumbled but Ruby pulled it out of my grasp. I startled and then looked at her.

“I’ll give it to him, honey. I’m sure he’d love to have it,” she told me but I saw that she was bothered by something. She tucked the gift underneath the counter and I got the distinct impression that she wasn’t entirely sure that she wanted to give it to her nephew. And that just made me feel even more foolish.

“Oh, well. Thanks,” I said dumbly, wanting to get the hell out of there now that I had made a complete and total idiot of myself.

I gathered my bag of books. “I’ll see you around,” I said dismissively, ready to leave.

“Maggie. I’ll make sure he gets it. I promise,” she called after me, though now I wasn’t so sure I wanted him to have it. But I suppose it was too late now.

I left Ruby’s shop and got into my car. Why couldn’t I leave well enough alone?

Chapter Five

-Clay-

It was my birthday. I wanted to be giddy. Excited even. But I just felt numb. It had been a long time since birthdays really meant anything to me. I seemed to recall a party when I was five, complete with scary clowns and pony rides. Maybe it was the clowns that ruined me for all future birthdays. Because those f**kers are scary.

Despite my self-imposed birthday gloominess, this year was different. Because today I turned eighteen.

Yep, eighteen.

I was finally a socially mandated adult. Able to vote, buy tobacco products and  p**n . I could join the military and open a checking account. But these typically exciting rites of passage meant shit to me. Sure, it was great and all but I wasn’t going to rush out and buy a pack of Camels and a Playboy (not like I could go anywhere anyway). Nope, this birthday was about something even sweeter.

This particular day was all about freedom. Because for the first time I was free. Free to make my own choices. My own mistakes.

Free to live on my own terms.

For the rest of my life freedom would taste like birthday cake. And I was good with that.

Control was well and truly mine. I had never really allowed myself to think about what I would do when that magical day arrived. And here I was, minutes into my adulthood and I felt almost overwhelmed with the possibilities.

This all felt like a dream. And dreams had a way of crashing down around you. So I always tried to stay away from dreams. They were nasty business for a guy with no future.

But there was a time not so long ago when dreams and a future weren’t a ludicrous delusion. And that had led to something one hundred times more beautiful. And a thousand times more dangerous.

Hope.

Hope. That thing that got you up in the morning and made living that much easier. Hope. The indescribable emotion that had the power to level you when it was taken away. Because mine had died a tragic death at the hands of my own selfishness and fear. And even as I tried to reconcile my guilt and shame about ruining the one good thing I had, I still felt it like a sharp pain in the gut.