“Why?” I couldn’t help asking. I wasn’t sure what my question meant. Why did he let his uncle get to him like that? Why had his first instinct been to come home and get loaded? Why couldn’t he turn to me when he was upset? Why was I always competing with the bitch at the bottom of that bottle? He said he needed me, that he wanted me! But what did he turn to when things got rough?

Why couldn’t I be enough?

Maxx shook his head, putting an arm over his eyes. “Just go home,” he repeated dully.

And with a sad resignation, I left him, unable to watch as he fell down the dark pit he seemed determined to throw himself into.

Chapter twenty-three

maxx

i wished Aubrey could be enough.

And even though I couldn’t stay away from her and even though I wanted to be with her all the time, I couldn’t let myself depend on her completely.

Why couldn’t I allow myself to turn to her when I was at my lowest, when I fell down and smashed into pieces?

I was a man split in two. And the part of me that craved Aubrey was fighting the part of me that craved something else entirely.

When Aubrey and I were together, I didn’t hear the noise in my head. My body didn’t ache with the cravings I had become so familiar with. I couldn’t think about anything but losing myself in her.

She was my balm. And while she was with me, her hands, her lips, her smile, her laugh were the only drugs I wanted.

Until the anger took over. Then I needed something more than Aubrey’s calm to erase the raging inside me.

And when Aubrey would leave, she took her place.

She didn’t like to be ignored. She howled in my brain and twisted my body in her rage. She needed to be appeased before she ate me alive.

In those desperate moments, I was only too happy to give in. It was as though the hours with Aubrey were a dam, and when she was gone, the waters were released, sweeping me away without mercy. It hurt to resist. So I didn’t.

I used to need only one pill to get high. Then it was two. Then three.

Now it was four pills until I was experiencing the kind of bliss that easily replaced everyone and everything.

And for a time, even Aubrey.

They were at war against each other, Aubrey and the drugs. Both had a claim on me. I needed both. But they couldn’t coexist.

I had to hide the drugs from Aubrey. I had to be careful. I understood that, given what had happened to her sister, she hated them. She was as straight-edged as they came.

She didn’t understand that it was my choice to use. That I dictated when and how much I took. That being high was the greatest form of control I had in my life.

I wished things could have been as easy as holding Aubrey’s hand and skipping off into the sunset of our happily ever after. I really wanted that.

But I had responsibilities. Landon relied on me. My uncle used me. Gash and the club had me by the nuts if I didn’t do my job. And the drugs . . . they owned me. They were my key out of the prison. And even the promise of Aubrey wasn’t enough for me to throw that key away. My heart wanted to, but my mind wouldn’t let me.

So I kept her.

We all had our secrets, and the pills were mine.

And I was Aubrey’s.

She was terrified we’d be found out. She agonized over the consequences of being with me. Without realizing it, she had turned me into something ugly and shameful. And I couldn’t even blame her for that, because I already felt those things about myself.

But when Aubrey kissed me, when I was inside her, I could pretend I was enough.

She told me I was perfect, that I was smart and worthy. She tirelessly worked on building me up so that I would never have the temptation to fall.

When we were together, I believed it all. But when she left, I doubted, at least until I was with her again.

I’d put the pills between my teeth and smile while I swallowed my self-destruction.

Is there any better feeling than knowing that every pain, every hurt, every disgusting, guilt-ridden thought could be erased . . . just . . . like . . . that?

I wasn’t expecting Aubrey until after her evening class. I had roughly five hours to kill before I had to be sober. So I decided to use the time wisely. I found the bag of oxy in my dresser drawer and shook four pills out onto my palm.

I took a quick inventory of my supply. I’d have to double my price for the remaining pills to make up the difference. I should have been more worried about using the drugs that I was meant to sell.

The beating I’d received from Gash and Vin had been the warning. I wouldn’t be lucky enough to walk away next time. Marco had ripped me a new ass**le a few days after I had recovered. He was pissed as hell and feeling paranoid that our other side venture would be discovered because I was being sloppy.

My drugs wouldn’t take only me down, but Marco as well. We had been skimming a cut of the door profits for over three months now. It was not enough to be noticeable, but over time it was a good bit of cash.

I wasn’t alone in my stupidity. Marco was right there with me. Greed was as much a high as the drugs. The adrenaline rush from slipping the money in our pockets was almost as addictive as the pills.

Gash was already onto me since the money from my sales didn’t equal the supply I was given. I should have been smart enough to cover my tracks. It was a moronic move, one that I would eventually pay for.

But now I’d have to toe the line and not give Gash or his trained monkeys any reason to doubt I was doing my job. And that would keep Marco’s nose clean and far away from Gash’s fist.