“So you want to stop doing that—”

“No,” he cuts in, “That’s not why I’m saying it. I don’t really know what I’m saying. I guess I just wanted you to know that if there were someone in his life that I’d be proud to call his mother, it would be you.”

I choke on a sob and release his arm. “I can’t be his mother,” I whisper.

I can’t be anyone’s mother.

Ever.

18

-Joshua-

Chazarae’s eyes lock on mine and I can feel the beads of sweat building across my hairline. I wipe my palms against my jeans, my heart beating so hard I’m pretty sure it’s about to crack a rib. Vomit rises to my throat but I push it back quickly and swallow my nerves. “So… it’s just… I mean… we’ve gotten close lately—Becca and I. Not you and I. Me. You. Just…”

She quirks an eyebrow; her jaw tense.

I determine right then and there that she might possibly be the scariest old lady in the history of old ladies.

“Um… so I wanted… She’s been sad and—”

“What?”

“I mean Becca…”

“I know you mean Becca. She’s been sad?”

I nod. “And I-I-I wanted to do something to make her not so sad… so I was wondering if-if maybe you would mind if I could take her away somewhere… she doesn’t know. It would be a surprise.”

“What are you asking, Josh?”

“Uh… just your permission I guess.”

She eyes me sideways. “Oh, jeez. That’s it? You’ve spent the night at our house, she stays at yours, and you’re asking—”

“We haven’t had sex!” I blurt, because I’m an idiot.

“Josh,” Chaz says through an exhale. “You almost gave me a heart attack.”

“What?”

“I thought you were going to tell me she’s pregnant.”

I puke.

In my throat.

Just a little bit.

★★★

I hadn’t told Robby that Becca and I had spent every night together since the weekend she canceled our date, so when I asked him if they could take Tommy for the night, he had questions. Of course. And lots of them. The questions turned to advice and the advice turned to ridicule. And because, apparently, my uncle’s twelve, his biggest advice was to rub one out right before we left for the big night. And, because my uncle—who’s apparently my friend—has a big mouth, he told his wife all about it. Kim showed up the night of Robby and I’s great debate with a box of condoms; one hundred and forty-four of them. Then proceeded to give me a speech on what women want and expect in the bedroom—this speech consisted of, but was not limited to; touching, biting, caressing, and something about ice-cubes that I was too grossed out to listen to.

★★★

The second I open the door to our hotel room and we step in, my insides turn to stone and all the shitty advice I’d been given cause an epic amount of mayhem in my mind. Becca stands in front of me, her hands clasped together, her eyes on mine, expecting me to make the first move. So I do. I throw her on the bed, climb on, devour her mouth and start dry humping her leg. Surprisingly, she does the same. We roll around on the huge king-sized bed, our hands everywhere all at once and at some point she manages to take my shirt off without me realizing. We roll around some more until we fall off the bed with her landing on top of me, knocking the wind out of my lungs. “Sorry,” she mumbles, and we continue. A moment later she’s beneath me and her dress is off and she’s fumbling for my belt and I wonder why—why in all the advice given to me were the words, Don’t wear a belt. It’s awkward as fuck! never spoken.

Her eyebrows draw in and she pouts as she tries, in vain, to loosen the belt. Then she curses under her breath and her eyes lift from the belt to my face. “I…” she trails off.

“You what?” I pant.

“Is this… I don’t know. Is this weird?”

“You want to stop?”

She grimaces slightly and nods.

“Thank God!” I yell, letting her out from under me.

She sits with her ass on her heels and bubbles out a laugh—one I haven’t heard in a long time. “I’m sorry.”

“No. Please, don’t be sorry.” I move so my back’s against the bed and yank on her hand to bring her closer to me. “I think maybe we, or at least me, hyped up the sex thing so much in my mind and everyone made a big deal out of it—”

She gasps. “Who’s everyone?”

“No. Just Robby and Kim. They gave me all this stupid advice and a ridiculous amount of condoms it made me so nervous and I almost felt like if we just get it out of the way it wouldn’t be so bad. But that’s not why I brought you here. I just wanted some time with you, you know? Away from the everyday mundane stuff.”

“One,” she says, “I’m glad about the condoms even though I’m protected, I’m sure you want that piece of mind. And two: I get it. Completely. And thank you for thinking of me. I think I really need this.”

“Good, babe. I’m glad. And also—I’m starving.”

“You want to head out or get room service?”

“Room service,” I tell her. “I don’t want to share you with anyone tonight.”

We order food and when it comes, we set ourselves up on the table in the corner of the room and dig in. “I feel so grown up right now.”

“You are grown up,” she says.

“Sometimes. When I’m in Dad mode I am, but I’ve done some stupid immature shit,” I admit.

She rolls her eyes. “Like what? Let Tommy go to bed without eating his vegetables?”

I lean forward. “You think you know me?” I joke.

She smiles. “Seriously. Like what?”

“I don’t know.” I shrug. “Like get drunk and smoke weed.”

“You smoked weed?”

I nod. “Don’t judge me.”

“No judgment here, but why’d you stop? Me?”

“No.” I set my fork on my plate and lean back in my chair. “The last time I did, I was with Hunter and Chloe, and the cops busted us.”

“You got arrested?” she almost yells.

“Almost. You know how they say your life flashes before your eyes right before you die? It was kind of like that and all I could see was Tommy and what would’ve happened if I’d been caught. I remember fearing that they’d take him away from me because I was irresponsible and Hunter—he must’ve seen the fear because he took the bag from me just as the cops walked up.”

“He took the blame?” she asked, her eyes wide.

“He would’ve if Chloe didn’t step up.”

“So Chloe copped it?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

I lean forward now, my forearms resting on the table. “Chloe—she’s had a complicated life. Before Hunter came along she kind of chose to be invisible. She took the blame for me because she didn’t believe she had anything to lose. I had Tommy, Hunter had his Duke scholarship and she—she had the road.”