I was in a haze of thoughts, and my legs were on auto-pilot. I was out of the toilets and walking steadily past the many shops inside the centre, ignoring people’s happy smiles as they carried on with their lives. I idly wondered if any of them had a shitty upbringing like me. Did they get beaten by their alcoholic father while their mother watched on, intoxicated herself, and unwilling to intervene? How would they take the news of the passing of a parent they barely knew who had suddenly made all these life altering changes and never once reached out to their kid in the process?

I was trying to delay the trip to my mother’s house, so I walked endlessly up and down the shopping centre, pretending to look interested at the clothes on mannequins that were way out of my price range. I killed an hour this way before my legs grew weak and decided to get back to my car. I stepped out into the autumn air, head down, watching my feet move in the direction of my car when I heard a familiar voice call out from behind me. It didn’t hit me until the third time my name had been heard. I stopped, confused, assuming there was probably another Sara around. The name is pretty common after all.

“Sara! Behind you!”

I whipped around and all breath escaped my lungs in a hurry as I stared at Lucinda hurriedly walking down the parking lot to me.

No fucking way!

Everything in my body screamed to run away, but I couldn’t help the excitement roaring inside of me at seeing her for the first time in five years. My memory of her hadn’t done any justice. She was radiating with a beauty that was so remarkably preserved, it was like she hadn’t aged at all. Her blonde hair with chestnut brown highlights was pulled back into a neat bun. She wore a pair of jeans that hugged her motherly hips, and a pink and white striped thin sweater under a green stylish jacket. Of course she pulled it all off with her high, brown leather boots.

“I can’t believe it!” She wrapped her arms around my frame and pulled me tightly to her chest as she laughed joyously. “I saw you leave a clothing store and I thought to myself, ‘No, that can’t be Sara, not my Sara.’ I followed you out, and when I saw those brown eyes and those big pouty lips, I just knew! Oh, I just knew it was you! My Sara!” She was still hugging me tightly to her, half her face into my hair as she rocked us from side to side. Then she pulled back, hands resting on my each shoulder and looked me up and down with a smile that went from ear to ear. “How are you?”

“It’s really good to see you!” I choked out, gulping down the lump in my throat. “Wow! You look amazing!”

“As do you! Now answer my question, darling. How are you?”

I shrugged. “Yeah, fine. I can’t believe how good you look.”

She pursed her lips and frowned at my answer. Displeasure at my change in subject, most likely.

“Mom’s passed away,” I breathed out.

She didn’t look surprised. She just nodded. “I know. Car crash and all. I went to the funeral. I thought I’d see you there for sure. Was hoping so, anyway.”

My eyebrows shot up. “You went to her funeral?” I couldn’t contain my disbelief.

“Of course. It was all over the news. Poor thing. Glad the other driver made it out okay. It’d been raining like mad that night. I could barely get around myself. It was a beautiful memorial service at the Church. You know me, not the religious kind of gal, but I was touched deeply by those that were there for her. Which is why I’m surprised you weren’t.”

“They’d tried contacting me, but I had no phone at the time.”

“No address for them to get a hold of you?”

“Not listed, either. Moved into a different apartment a couple weeks back. Didn’t think to tell her.” Didn’t think she’d give a shit, really.

Both hands ran down my arms and held each hand. Her skin was warm and gentle, much like how I always remembered her to be.

“Let’s not talk in the middle of the parking lot. We’d be here all day. How about you come to my house and we’ll do some catching up?” Her eyes looked hopeful, but she was hesitant all the same, as if I’d reject this offer.

“Okay.”

“Great. It’s not that far at all. Did you drive here?” When I gestured to the SUV behind me, she smiled. “Oh, lovely ride, Sara. You must be doing well for yourself.”

“No, that’s not my car. I borrowed it to get here.”

“Oh, right. Well, I’m in that white Mercedes over there.” She pointed to the brand new Mercedes-Benz behind her. It was my turn to gawk and raise my brows, but I didn’t say the same line back to her. “I’ll get into that and you can follow me, okay?”

“Sure.” We parted ways. I went into my car and waited for her to start the way. My legs were restless, one knee constantly bouncing up and down as I started following her out of the lot. My mind was racing. How did she afford a brand new car like that? Either she was doing exceptionally well in her career, or she’d found someone wealthy to settle down with. I was excited at the prospect of her being with someone she loved. She deserved all the happiness in the world.

I bit the inside of my lips as I tried to rehearse the answers to the questions she was inevitably going to ask.

Why did you fall off the face of the earth and leave me broken hearted? Well, Lucinda, I’m a bitch and don’t deserve your love.

How could you leave Jaxon high and dry without so much as a goodbye? Again, Lucinda, refer to answer one. I’m a horrible bitch.

Why did you leave Jaxon, anyway? Well, I hit your son. A lot. And I had the worst anger problem in the world. Did I mention I’m a bitch?

Fuck my life. Just the idea of having to talk about him sent a thousand needles through my heart, and I could feel every prick of every damn figurative needle penetrating deep enough that it grew harder to breathe. I rolled down the car window and inhaled the cool air. I was bordering on an anxiety attack, and when this happened a million things went wrong with my body. I’d have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, and my chest would constrict painfully, and then I’d get the runs. Nothing more lovely than having to excuse myself to the toilet because of my emotions flailing in a million different directions push starting my digestive system. Sexy…

She said her house wasn’t that far at all, yet we’d been on the road for almost twenty minutes and nearing a brand new housing division. I ogled the homes as we passed them, all looked relatively the same: large and contemporary styled, with tall and wide front windows that overlooked a manicured yard with front porch columns.

Then her car slowed and signalled to the right as she turned into the driveway of a massive red brick home. Holy shmaholies.

She opened the garage and parked inside while I drove to one side of the more than accommodating driveway. I turned off the engine and stared in disbelief at the gorgeously new home with manicured gardens consumed by carnations of all kinds.

The garage closed and a few moments later her front door opened and she gestured me in with a big smile on her face. I stepped out of the car and walked over to her unable to suppress a giggle. “Wow, Lucinda. Sure beats the ghetto we used to live in, huh?”

She laughed. “They weren’t entirely bad. Only moved in here two years back. It was just built. It’s a little far away from the shops, so I lied to you about that.” She flashed me a mischievous smile. “But they’re going to be building a lot around here, shops and schools and what have you. Now come on in. We’ll sit in the backyard and enjoy the outdoor a bit.”

I walked in, equally blown away by the entrance foyer that accommodated a wide staircase and other closed rooms. I followed her over the hardwood floors taking in the neutral colours of the house. It was modern, and she left the place entirely simplistic. Nothing was crowded. I deliberately looked away from a photo of Jaxon on the hallway to the living room. He was about thirteen in it, riding a bike with his hair in the wind. Get your shit together.

The living room was huge and elegantly filled with leather couches, a glass coffee table, massive flat screen TV with all the works of surround sound system and movies stacked up on a shelf beside it. On the wall above one couch was an assortment of small photo frames hung in a diagonal direction depicting photos of her and Jaxon. I briefly caught a glimpse of the last two of me: one of Jaxon and me on Prom day, and the second when I was young and sporting a short do. It warmed my heart seeing how she’d not banished me from her home after my absence.

She walked to the sliding doors that backed a large backyard. Outside there was a wide dark brown deck with an inbuilt screened in gazebo and a lounge setting within its enclosed space. I’d never seen anything like it. We walked out and I crossed my arms against the chill in the air as I also took notice of a huge in-ground pool.

Lucinda opened the screen door that led into the gazebo and we walked inside. “Sit down,” she said. I took a seat on a comfy cushioned outdoor chair, placing my hands atop of the glass table. I watched her turn on two patio heaters on opposite ends of the gazebo. “I’m going to get us some snackies. Be right back, darling.”

A couple minutes later she returned with a big tray of crackers, cheeses and dips. There was also a jug of water and two glasses. She set them down in front of me and took a seat next to mine. She situated herself so that she was facing me, and then began pouring each glass with water.

“So,” she started, flashing me her warmest smile, “how are you coping with your mother’s passing?”

“I don’t know,” I admitted, tracing the glass rim with my finger. “I’m not sure how to feel about it all. You know what she was like. I’m numb because I have all these bad memories, and then I’m regretful because apparently she’d made a change in her life. Did you see her at all?”

“Not often. I wouldn’t talk to her or anything. Every time she saw me, she’d turn the other way, like she was trying to avoid me or something. I guess it was because she felt guilty about what she’d done to you and she knew how involved I was with you. Last time I saw her was at the pumpkin fair in early September, and she was with some young woman. She looked happy.”

Rita. This young woman she was with was most likely her. I was growing curious about who she was and just why she had such a hold on my mom.

“Do you know anything about my dad?” I asked.

“No, nothing at all. He’s been gone awhile.”

“Didn’t show up at the funeral?”

“No. Well, I mean, I didn’t see him. I imagine if he had showed up he would have caused some kind of scene.” She shook her head and twisted her lips in distaste.

When I didn’t respond, she brightened up and reached over to touch my hair. “Now, look at this hair. You’ve grown it even longer than I remember. So beautiful, Sara. Really, you must get all the heads turning your way.”

I scoffed. “Hardly. I’m a homebody. I barely see the light of day.”

“Yeah, I believe that. You’re quite pale.”

“So how are you doing? Tell me all.” I changed the subject because I couldn’t stand to see the look of concern on her face.

She shrugged. “Meh, you know. My life’s always been tame, lame and no game.”

I chuckled. “Untrue.”

“Very true, especially when I didn’t hear from you all these years.”

I bit my lip and held my breath, looking away from her. Wait for it. She’s going to ask.

“Don’t worry,” she suddenly said, catching my emotion. “I won’t be asking you any of those kinds of questions. I know you’re not ready to open up, and I understand that. Let’s just enjoy each other’s company, okay?”

I blinked back tears and nodded.

“Good. About your question, I’m alright, but I have missed you enormously. I’m still a beautician, and business has been kind to me.”

I gestured to the house. “That much kind to you?”

“Well, no, not that much.”

“Where’s the man?”

She raised a brow. “The man?”

“Yeah, the guy that’s taking care of you.”

She laughed. “Don’t you cut to the chase fast?”

I sheepishly smiled. “Sorry.”

“No, that’s alright.”

“What happened to that guy I last saw you with all those years ago? What was his name? Wasn’t it Mark?”

“Oh, yes, he was a great guy. Mark.” She drifted into her little zone at the name, and I knew she must still have a thing for him. “I really liked him, yeah. We lasted a good while.”

“What happened?”

“Jaxon happened,” she sighed heavily. “He refused to get along with him. It got real tense with them.”

My heart squeezed at the mention of his name, but I was also confused. “But he was away. How would that have affected you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Jaxon’s working overseas. At the time, anyway. How did he interfere from far away?”

Now it was her turn to give me a perplexed look. “Jaxon’s been here for three and a half years.”

Yeah, someone might as well have ripped my heart out. “What? He’s… here? In Gosnells?”

She gave me a single, slow nod. “Yes.”

My head suddenly hurt. I told myself to breathe through the anxiety again. He was in Gosnells? Why did you assume he wasn’t?            

“So how is he then?” I practically whispered, holding my glass tightly around both hands.

“Jaxon’s…” She paused and pursed her lips again. “Well, Jaxon is Jaxon. He’s doing well for himself.”