“I sent a letter to Balthazar today,” Lucas said. “I e-mailed Vic, too, and asked him if there was any way possible he could come home, or maybe Ranulf, even. Maybe one of them will show up soon and know something to do.”

Vic wouldn’t be able to help, and I suspected that Balthazar had already given us all the answers he could. As for Ranulf—well, he’d been around awhile, so who knew what he’d learned? But I doubted there was any way out of this situation. Whether he knew it or not, Lucas had summoned them because he needed support. “That’s good,” I said.

Lucas shook his head. “I never should’ve taken you away from Evernight.”

“How can you say that?” I tried to sit up, but dizziness overtook me. Instead I settled for propping up on one arm. “I wanted to leave. I was the one who asked you!”

“Wouldn’t have mattered if you’d begged me. I still shouldn’t have done it.” He raked his fingers through his bronze hair, like he wanted to tear at it. “Your parents knew what was going on. So what if they lied about it? At least they would’ve known what to do. At least they could’ve taken care of you. And I can’t. The only thing I want in the world is to make you well, and I can’t.”

“Stop it. Lucas—what’s happening to me—it’s part of who I am. Part of what I was born to be. Our running away didn’t make this happen.”

“But your parents could’ve made it stop.”

“We don’t know that. The only thing we do know is that they would’ve tried to convince me to become a full vampire, and I don’t want that. Not even now.”

Lucas wouldn’t be consoled that easily. “You’ve been on the run. In danger. You haven’t had enough money to do what you wanted to do, even eat what you wanted to eat—I told you I’d take care of you. And I let you down.”

“You never let me down.” I had to make him understand. This was one of the only things in the world that I knew to be true. “These past two months with you have been the best of my whole life. Even with Charity after us, even when we were stuck with Black Cross—it was worth it, because we were together.”

He hid his face in his hands. “I’d give it up to make you well.”

“I wouldn’t. And it was always my decision, not yours. I didn’t make a mistake.” When Lucas finally lifted his face to look at me, I smiled at him. “I would do it again. A hundred times over, I’d do it all again to be with you.”

Lucas came to me and held me close. For that moment, that was the only courage I needed.

When I awakened in the middle of that night, though, it became harder to be brave.

“Hold on, okay?” Lucas braced me against his chest, rubbing my back. “Just hold on.”

“I can’t!” My body shook uncontrollably. It wasn’t a seizure, because I still knew who and where I was, and I could move; I just couldn’t stop shaking. It had begun in my sleep, waking Lucas before it woke me. He’d had to shout my name a few times before I fully regained consciousness.

“Please, Bianca. Please.”

“I can’t stop, I can’t stop—”

“You don’t have to stop. Don’t beat yourself up. Just ride it out. I’m here with you. Okay?”

“Okay,” I gasped. But the shaking didn’t end for almost an hour, and by the time it did, I was so exhausted that I felt like I’d never move again.

One thing was for sure: After that, Lucas and I were both much too fried to even think about sleeping.

Once we could no longer deny that it was morning, I asked Lucas to find a pen and paper for me, which he did. Dark shadows circled his eyes, and his skin was ashen. I wanted so badly to be able to take care of him, instead of lying here helpless.

I let Lucas prop me up on a couple of pillows. Then, despite my trembling hands, I managed to write a short note.

Mom and Dad,

If you get this letter, it means that—

I had to pause there. I knew what I should write, but I wasn’t strong enough to do it. Imagining my parents reading those words was too much for me.

—I can’t come home to you anymore. Lucas has promised that he would send it, if anything happened to me.

I realize you thought you were doing the right thing, telling Mrs. Bethany about my last e-mail. I don’t blame you for trying to find me again, especially now that I understand how scared you must have been. But that was why I couldn’t reach out to you afterward. It would have put Lucas in danger, and I couldn’t do that.

Please don’t be angry with Lucas about this. He has been wonderful to me, and given me everything he could. I’ve been so happy with him this summer. I think if you could have seen us together, and known what it was like for me, you would understand. This is the first time I’ve realized what it’s really like for you two, the way that you love each other no matter what. Lucas and I had that, even if it was only for a few months. I know someday you’ll be thankful to know I had that, too.

I love you both so much. Thank you for all the things you did for me. Even through all the arguments we had, and the separation between us now, I’ve always known I had the best parents in the whole world.

Love,
Bianca

That day passed in a haze for me. I drifted in and out of sleep—at least, sometimes it was sleep. Sometimes it was unconsciousness. I couldn’t tell them apart any longer.

Although I felt feverish, I knew that actually my body had become very cold; I could tell from the way Lucas’s touch seared like fire every time he mopped my forehead or held my hand. My sweaty limbs tangled in the sheets, and I pawed restlessly at the strands of my hair that stuck to my neck and back. Nothing seemed entirely real for a very long while.

Instead I wandered through memories, all of them disjointed and unconnected to any of the others. Most of the memories were happy, so I was content to let my mind drift. One moment, I was walking down the streets of New York with Raquel, laughing about how our muscles ached from the morning’s workout. The next, I was back at Arrowwood, and Mom was proudly putting the finishing touching on my fairy princess costume for Halloween. Then I was at Evernight, letting Patrice give me a manicure that matched hers, so both of our nails shone in soft lilac. Or in the fencing hall, facing Balthazar, who was letting me off so easy that he laughed even as he wielded his sword.

Or in the diner with Vic and Ranulf as they sat side by side in their Hawaiian shirts. Or in the van with Dana as she cranked up the radio and sang along.

In the woods with my father, listening to hooting owls and talking about why I needed to stay at Evernight Academy.

In Riverton with Lucas, cradling the jet brooch he’d given me, and looking up at him with all the gratitude and love in the world.

Why would I ever want to come back from that?

When my mind finally cleared, I realized it was nighttime. I had no idea whether it was just past dusk or two in the morning. Groggily, I turned my head, seeking Lucas. He stood by my bedside, his face pale. When our eyes met, I smiled, but he did not.

“Hey,” I whispered. “How long was I out?”

“Too long.” Lucas slowly knelt down. His face was more or less even with mine. “Bianca, I don’t want to scare you, but—what’s happening to you—”

“I know. I can feel it.”

Our eyes met, and the pain in his eyes almost outweighed the fear and sadness I felt for myself. He closed his eyes and lifted his face toward the ceiling; if I hadn’t known better, I would have thought he was praying.

Then he said, “I want you to drink from me.”

“I’m not hungry for blood,” I whispered.

“You don’t understand.” Lucas took an uneven breath.

“Bianca, I want you to drink from me until I’m dead. I want you to change. I want you to become a vampire.”

The shock left me powerless to speak for a moment. I could only gape at him in astonishment.

“You turned away from being a vampire a long time ago, I know,” Lucas said. He clasped one of my hands in his. “But this looks like your only choice. If that’s what it takes to save you, it’s not so bad, is it? You could go back to your parents. Be young and beautiful forever.”

It wasn’t as simple as that, and we both knew it. But if Lucas was really ready to take this step with me, I could consider it. “You would become a vampire, too,” I said. “We’d make the change together. Can you do that?”

Lucas shook his head. “No.”

“What?”

“Bianca, you have to promise me—you have to swear on everything that means anything to you—when I’m dead, before I come to, you have to destroy me. Don’t let me rise again as a vampire. I’m willing to die.”

So he could accept my transformation, but not his own. The fragile hope I’d felt for a few seconds shattered.

Lucas tugged at the neck of his shirt, exposing his neck. Quietly, he repeated, “Drink from me.”

“You want me to kill you,” I whispered. “You’d give up your life to save me.”

He gave me this look like that was so obvious, so necessary, and tears welled in my eyes.

“I know what I’m doing,” he said. The shadows in the room framed his face; it seemed as if the light in the room was drawn only to him. “I’m ready. The last thing I’ll ever know is that you’re going to be okay. That’s all I need.”

I shook my head. “No.”

“Yes,” he insisted. But I still had enough strength to push back.

“How could I go on, knowing you’d died to save me? The guilt—I can’t live like that, Lucas. I can’t. Don’t ask me to.”

“You don’t have to feel guilty! I want you to do it!”

“Could you?” I asked him. “Could you kill me, even to save your own life?”

Lucas stared at me, trying and failing to contemplate the horror of doing that.

I said, “You have to promise me to lead a good life. Not to sit around mourning me.”

“Oh, Christ.” Lucas grimaced, and I knew he wasn’t far from tears. He buried his face in the blankets on my bed, and I rested my hand on his hair. “Bianca, please. Please do this. Save yourself.” I could see in his eyes that he was wavering in his conviction—that if I pushed harder, he would let me turn him into a vampire. But I knew that to him it would be a sacrifice even greater than dying. I realized then that I couldn’t ask him to do it, not to save myself, not for anything.

“No,” I said, and this time I knew he would understand my answer was final. “Promise me, Lucas.”

“What kind of a life am I supposed to have without you? You were the one good thing, the only good thing I ever found.”

I started crying then, and he gripped my hand tightly. Soon he laid his head on my shoulder, and that was comforting, knowing that at least he was near.

After a while, I couldn’t hold onto his hand as tightly. The shadows in the room seemed to darken. Lucas became very worried, but I couldn’t quite pay attention to what he was saying. Certainly I couldn’t find the strength to respond.

He got me water, but I wasn’t able to drink much. I fell asleep—maybe it was sleep—and came to after what seemed like a very long time.

Lucas stood against the wall, his hands braced against it like he needed that to keep from falling down. His eyes were wild.

When he saw that I was awake, he said, “I nearly called an ambulance. It wouldn’t do any good, but standing here—I can’t do a damn thing.”

“Just stay close,” I whispered. My chest felt so heavy. Speaking was such hard work.

A tremor passed through me, wringing me out. My whole body had become too leaden and feverish to bear. I wanted to push myself away from it. I wanted to be free.