But finally being able to engage with him, I couldn’t stop myself. He was like a puzzle, giving the impression that there were so many things he wanted to say, but he struggled to get his words out. And then…every once in a while in that confessional, he showed himself. His real self. The monster who my brother said everyone had inside of them.

I coasted back down the long driveway, testing out my bike after the repairs I’d made. I unclenched my fingers from the handlebar, and spreading out my hand, I studied my dirty nails.

He wouldn’t like me, right? I wasn’t his type.

He was used to girls who looked like models, with magazine hair, hundred-dollar eye shadow, and heels for days. I glanced down at my brother’s old Vans on my feet—the ones he’d grown out of six years ago—permanently stained from oil that he’d spilled on them so many summers ago and the fabric shredding along the rubber sole. I didn’t look like a girl, much less a woman.

And at seventeen years old, I was so far behind other girls my age. Kai couldn’t be seen with me even if he wanted to. I’d embarrass him.

And I’d never be able to afford to look like I could even try to fit in with him and his crowd.

I breathed in the evergreens on both sides of the blacktop as the wind blew back my dark hoodie and caressed my hair.

In all the times I’d spotted Kai around Thunder Bay, around my house, at a basketball game…he was cool and calm, touched by nothing.

But not today. I’d made him nervous.

I smiled, pedaling faster as I clicked the little black remote secured to my handlebars. Smells Like Teen Spirit droned in my ears, and I swerved left, zooming right through the iron gates just as they parted for me. I held on tight as the road dipped, and raced down the steep, paved hill of my driveway. Holding the handlebars straight, I closed my eyes, instantly feeling my heart jump up into my throat at the rush of wind and the sensation washing over me.

I made him nervous. My skin still tingled where he chafed it when he grabbed my sweatshirt. What would he have done without that wall between us?

A horn honked, and I popped my eyes open, seeing one of my father’s cars racing toward me.

Shit. I swerved out of the way, turning right, and flew past the Bentley, avoiding eye contact. The driveway evened out, and I continued down the length, feeling eyes on my back as I disappeared around the back of the house, out of sight of the car.

Last night’s rain still chilled the air, but the ground was dry as I hopped off my bike and walked it behind the hedges between the two garages, one loaded with cars that were never driven and one with blacked-out windows and a keypad code that almost no one knew.

I hid the bike out of sight and jogged up to the back of the house. Entering the kitchen, I immediately smelled all the food and nearly groaned as I closed my eyes for a moment.

Marina, one of the household’s cooks, was making bread today, and I closed the door, feeling warm all over.

“Where ya been?” I heard David’s voice and glanced over at the long, wooden table in the middle of the room where he sat with two others of my father’s security, Ilia and Lev.

I looked away, walking to the stove. “Fixing my bike.”

Marina wiped her hands on a towel and winked at me, lifting the lid of the pot on the stove. I leaned over, breathing in and smiling at the chestnut and mushroom soup.

“When your brother calls me,” David barked, “and I don’t know where you are, I feel like he’s going to reach through the phone and rip out my throat. You’re getting me into trouble, Nik. And if you’re going to confession, let us know and one of us will give you a ride.”

I kept my eye roll to myself, taking the bowl that Marina loaded up and handed to me. Walking over to the table, I climbed over the bench seat and plopped down next to David, tearing some bread off the loaf already sitting in front of me.

“Leave the kid alone,” Marina scolded, coming up behind me and pulling my hair out of the back of my sweatshirt, combing her fingers through it. “She needs some freedom.”

He scowled up at her. “You try explaining that to him.”

I remained silent, knowing he was right. He had a right to be mad. No one wanted to deal with my brother. Standing up, I walked over to the sink to retrieve a clean spoon.

I heard Ilia speak up. “Yeah, I can’t even tell him you stole some of my beers last night.” He grabbed me and yanked me down into a headlock. “He’ll just blame me for leading you into temptation.”

I twisted, trying to free myself. “Cut it out!” I shouted, the odor of cigarettes and sweat assaulting my nostrils and making me gag.

“I didn’t steal any of your beers!” I growled. “You were probably too drunk to remember you drank them all!”

I finally whipped my spoon on the back of his head, and he released me, laughing.

I stood upright again and slammed down into my seat, scowling. Asshole.

Dipping some bread into the soup, I stared down, eating and trying to keep my damn mouth shut. The warmth spread through my mouth and down my throat, filtering through my body as I tried to ignore everyone’s eyes on me.

“So, how much penance did you get? Huh?” Ilia nudged my shoulder, not letting up. “Stealing my beer, not doing as you’re told like a good girl…” He listed my sins. “You having any impure thoughts yet?”

“Ask your girlfriend,” I retorted, my mouth full of food. “She eyeballs me more than she does you.”

Lev snorted.

“You little shit,” Ilia gritted out, jabbing his fingers into my stomach.

I jerked away, but he circled his arms around my body and tickled me. I squirmed, hitting him in the chest. “Leave me alone!”

But he just laughed, moving his hands under my arms and then back to my stomach.

“Leave her alone,” I heard David say.

“Mmm.” Ilia’s hand “accidentally” found itself close to my ass. “Getting kind of perky back there, aren’t you?” He pinched me through my jeans. I wiggled away and swung my hand at him, slapping him on the neck.

“Alright, enough,” Marina barked. “Out of my kitchen. Go. All of you. Now!”

Ilia and Lev chuckled, jostling the benches as they rose and left the room, Ilia flicking me on the side of the head as he left. David stood up, emptying his coffee and setting down the mug before leaving the room without another word.

I downed a few more spoonfuls of soup and stood up, ripping a hunk of bread off the loaf on the table to take with me.

Climbing off the bench, I walked toward the back stairs, leading up to my room.

But a voice from behind stopped me. “Nik.”

I halted, squaring my shoulders to brace myself. I had hoped to escape, but I was too late.

Marina wasn’t my mother, but she assumed the job. We had an agreement. I came and went as I pleased, and she reserved the right to tell me what she did or didn’t like about that.

My real mother could barely take care of herself, much less me.

Turning around, I took a quick bite out of the loaf in my hand, hoping that would signal I didn’t want to talk.

But she approached anyway, her blue eyes leveled on me and a sympathetic tilt to her smile. “Try as he might,” she said, “your brother can’t stop time. No matter how you cover up or how big you wear your clothes, you can’t hide forever. Your body is changing.”

Heat immediately rose to my cheeks, and I wanted to look away but didn’t. “So?”

“So, men are starting to notice you,” she pointed out, more urgent. “You’re a pretty girl, and I don’t think it’s a good idea to…” She paused as if looking for the right words. “I don’t think they should be handling you like that anymore. They’ll start to get ideas.”

She raised her hands and rubbed them up and down my arms, adding, “If they haven’t already, that is. You’re a woman now, and your body is yours.”

This time I did look away, inhaling a heavy breath.

A woman. I wasn’t growing up. My body could change all it wanted, but I’d never be a woman. I’d never be anything other than what I was right now.

“It’s okay to grow up,” Marina nearly whispered as if reading my mind. “It’s okay to dress and wear make-up like other women do, if that’s what you want.”