I look at Aarabelle and my emotions flood like a dam that opened. I imagine being that mother and entering her room. Seeing her asleep and knowing I was right there. It becomes overwhelming and I start to sob.

“It’s too much,” I cry out.

Aaron crouches down and grabs my hands. “I can’t believe I’m saying this . . . but you need to be strong. He’s going to need you. I can handle Aarabelle for a bit if you need to go. I would offer to go, but I don’t think we’re quite there yet.” Aaron looks away.

“Are you sure you can handle her for that long?”

He sighs, “I’m sure, and if not, I’ll get help.”

“I’m not trying to be a bitch, but I don’t want her around our daughter.”

Aaron looks away and then back at me. “I was never with her. I said it to piss you off.”

“Great.”

“I’m sorry,” he says with shame painting his face.

He lied. Again.

“I need to get an AmCross in.” I stand and head over to my binder. The American Red Cross has to put the information in and then it goes to his command. Being that it’s his mother, I can’t see his command denying him the chance to come home.

Once I get the message in, Aaron and I sit quietly. Aarabelle is asleep and I wait for Liam or his father to call. He’d fly into Virginia, and then I don’t know where we go from there.

Aaron clears his throat and I look up. “I can stay here if that’s okay with you,” he offers.

“I appreciate you helping out.” Throughout these past few weeks, we’ve grown as friends. There’s no spark or connection, at least for me, but the friendship that was always there is still strong.

“Why don’t you get some sleep? I’ll stay here and if something happens, at least I’ll already be here.”

I nod and look at my phone. It’s been hours and still no call. I know these things can take some time, but it’s not something we have the luxury of. Every minute is precious and I feel like we’re waiting for the clock to stop ticking.

Once in my room, I lie down and my mind won’t quit. I’m distraught over the fact that Liam will have to endure any pain. I love him and know what it feels like to lose someone you love. I would never wish that on anyone. The hands of time haven’t been fair to either of us. We’ve both endured immense pain, but through it found the beauty in each other.

I close my eyes and clutch my phone waiting for his call. I don’t know how much they’ll tell him, but I hope Mason knows enough to let him call me after. Hopefully, in less than twenty-four hours, we’ll be together, where I can be the rock he needs.

I awake with the sun shining and leap out of bed. Glancing at my phone, I see there are no missed calls. That makes no sense. He should’ve called home by now. It was an emergency. No matter if he was on a mission or not, he would have communication with the base unit.

Aaron will know. I rush down the stairs where he’s drinking coffee while Aarabelle plays with her toys. “Morning,” he says and takes a sip.

“Hey, I’m worried. He didn’t call.” I waste no time explaining my fear.

“If they’re out in hostile territory, he won’t be able to. He may have to finish out the mission and then come back. He’ll get in touch when he can. Sucks he was out and not at base,” Aaron tries to reassure me. “I know this sounds fucked up, but we know the risks when we deploy. We know we may never get to say goodbye to someone dying. We miss births of babies and a lot of holidays. It sucks but it’s also the way we live.”

“Do you miss it?” I always wondered this.

When he got out of the Navy, I always felt it was more for Mark and Jackson. Jackson was the leader and he was the first not to take another commission. Mark was enlisted and he followed suit. But Aaron wavered. He wasn’t hurt in the firefight like they were. Aaron came back different though.

“No, I’m not going anywhere again. I have my daughter, and I wouldn’t ever put you through something like this again,” he says and looks away. The tone in his voice makes the underlying message clear.

“What does that mean?” I can’t help but ask anyway.

“It means that I wouldn’t choose deploying over you. I’m here, Lee. I’m not going to leave, or get injured, or die. I’m here.” Aaron’s voice is low and pleading.

“You did leave, get injured, and hell, you died too. You weren’t active then. Don’t use this against me,” I warn.

He stands and looks at the ceiling. “This is our house, Natalie. It’s where we made a home. We conceived a child here, had fights here, made love here, and I thought we’d grow old here.”

I don’t know where all of this is coming from. He hasn’t tried to make a move in months. We’ve been friendly and I’ve never lead him to believe there was a chance at more.

“I did too. I didn’t choose for our life to fall apart. I know you made mistakes. I’ve forgiven you for them, but it doesn’t change how I feel. I don’t want to fight with you about this,” I plead for him to stop.

“I don’t want you to have a baby with him,” Aaron’s voice cracks at the end. He stares at my stomach and tears fall from his eyes. I follow his gaze and realize I’m in my shorts and a tank top with a very clear baby bump. “I thought maybe you were, but I didn’t want it. I’ve really lost you. Haven’t I?”

“Have I led you on?” I ask with hesitation. I tried hard not to ever let him think we were going to get back together.

He looks at Aara and back at me. “I hoped, Lee. I’m getting help. I know I fucked up . . . God, I know it . . . but I’ve always loved you. I would do anything to prove to you how good we could be. I’m doing everything the doctors want. I’m not seeing anyone because they’re not you. We can get back and we can be better.”

“Aaron, please don’t do this now. First, Liam is deployed. His mother is on life support and I’m pregnant. I love you, I always have, but our love changed. It became friendship and comfort. We let it slip through our fingers and then the choices each of us made defined our future. You will always have my past, but Liam holds my future.”

“We define our futures.”

“So do our pasts,” I say hushed.

Once again, he glances at my stomach and rests his head in his hands. I give him a minute because I can’t imagine this is easy for him. The pain of finding out about Brittany was horrible for me, and I certainly didn’t want him to find out this way.

“Were you trying? Were you going to tell me?” he asks gruffly.

“Not before I told him, and no, we weren’t trying,” I reply honestly.

“Un-fucking real. I couldn’t get you pregnant after years of trying and . . .” he trails off.

Aaron stands and walks over to Aarabelle. He places a kiss on the top of her head before turning back to me. “I’ll never stop loving you, but right now I can’t look at you. I’ll be back later, but I need some time.”

I don’t want to hurt him. It was never my intention. “I’m sorry you found out like this. I’m sorry you’re hurting.”