Yes. I want him to be there.

* * *

“Good session?” Aaron asks, leaning against Dad’s car.

I sign, “Same old.”

He smiles as he opens his arms for me. I step into his embrace, but I don’t return it. “I’m really excited to meet your grams,” he says, his mouth so close to my ear, his voice grates on my eardrums. “You ready to go? Your dad and I packed your bags in the trunk when I dropped off my car at your house.”

I pull back and nod up at him.

“Good,” he says, unconvinced. Then he kisses me, again and again, and I let him. For the same reasons I let every other boy besides Josh Warden kiss me. Because he makes me feel safe, and at the same time, he makes me feel nothing.

5

—Joshua—

After dropping Tommy off at my uncle Robby’s, I drive to my house, my excitement building. As soon as I step out of my car, I run up the porch steps and knock harshly on her door. She takes a while to answer, but when she does, I wrap her in my arms and lift her in the air. “I missed you so much!”

She giggles into my chest and squeals when I spin her around before setting her back on the ground. But I don’t let her go yet. She feels too much like home.

“Joshua!” She pushes my chest and rears back, her dark, wrinkled eyes squinting against the sun behind me. “I love you and everything and I’m glad you’re home, but boy, you need a shower,” Chazarae says.

I laugh, my head throwing back with the force of it. “I know. I’ve been in car after car, plane after plane, and I just couldn’t wait to see you!”

She rolls her eyes. “Of all the women you see in your travels, you can’t wait to come home to me?”

“You’ll always be my number one girl,” I joke, and her eyes roll higher.

I clap and rub my hands together. “So tomorrow. The big 6-5!”

“Oh, Joshua, I hope you didn’t come home just for my birthday.”

I lean against the porch rail and cross my arms, inconspicuously smelling my armpits. She’s right. I need a fucking shower. And a shave. And maybe five days’ worth of sleep. “I wouldn’t have missed it for the world,” I tell her truthfully. The past year of my life has changed beyond what I’d ever imagined. I barely see my friends, my family, besides my mom—who has a hard time switching from mom to manager. But it keeps her busy and takes her mind off Dad’s passing, so I let the moments of confusion slide. The one constant through it all has been Chazarae. Regardless of where I was and what I was doing, I’d always come home to her. And through it all, she hasn’t changed the way she treats me. She’ll always be my savior, and I’ll always be the kid who needed saving.

“You’re a good boy, sweetheart,” she says, her smile soft. Then her gaze shifts to the cast on my arm, and I already know what’s coming.

Gasp. Tick.

Inspection. Tick.

Hand on my cheek. Tick.

“Oh, Josh…” Concern. Tick. “What did you do to yourself now?”

“Broke my elbow.”

“Again?”

“Yep.”

She eyes me sideways. “You didn’t even compete since I last saw you.”

“Chris wanted a demo video for Check and Deck. It was just street skating.”

She shakes her head. “Why couldn’t you have pursued a different career? Something safe. Something like… I don’t know… washing cars?”

I chuckle under my breath.

“I guarantee no one’s broken four—now five—bones in a year washing cars. You’re lucky God is on your side.”

“Well, I don’t know about God,” I tell her, pushing off the rail. “I’m lucky I have you on my side, Ma’am.” I give her a face-splitting grin. “Now go dress pretty! Lunch date. You and me. And then we’ll go pick out those flowers you asked me to plant three months ago.”

I turn to leave but she grasps my cast. “You can’t plant the flowers with this on your arm.”

I kiss her forehead. “Watch me.”

After taking a breath, she grips my arm tighter. “It’s good to have you home,” she says. “I was getting a little lonely out here.”

“I know.” I chew my lip. “You know the invite’s always there for you to travel with me.”

Her nose scrunches. “And be around boys as smelly as you? I’d rather be lonely.”

I can’t help but laugh, but it dies quickly when her hands are no longer on me and she’s halfway to her door. “Ma’am.” I wait until she’s looking at me before speaking. “My final goal hasn’t changed. Wherever I end up, I’m taking you with me. You have no choice.”

* * *

I take the longest shower in the history of showers and wait by my car for her. After a few minutes of checking e-mails and Facebook and all the things Chris forces me to do, a car pulls into the driveway. The windows are tinted, so I can’t see who’s inside, but as soon as the car door opens and I see one tanned leg step out, followed by another, my heart races, beating harshly against my chest, and then it stops, just long enough for it to drop to the ground because she’s stepping out of the passenger’s side. And as bad as it sounds, considering the last time we spoke, I hope and I pray that it’s her dad, not Aaron. But my prayers go unanswered, and my stomach joins my heart, as well as the joy I’d felt only minutes ago—all on the ground, where I’m currently staring, refusing to look away. They’re all here. Becca, her dad, and Aaron.

I hear the front door open, and I still don’t lift my gaze. Even when I hear Chaz squeal as she runs past me and toward her real family. Chaz laughs and in my head, Becca does, too, her voice raspy and ridiculously hot and I almost look up. Almost. But then I hear Chaz say his name and I keep my head lowered and shove my hands in my pockets, waiting for the world to stop spinning so fast. It doesn’t. And when enough time passes and all I can hear is his voice saying all the right things, I turn on my heels and head back to my apartment.

I’m halfway there when Chaz calls my name, and it takes everything in me to stop. To not let my pride overshadow her wants. I turn slowly, making sure to focus on her and only her, but Becca’s here. She’s here and no matter how hard I try to fight it, I’m drawn to her. Right to her eyes—eyes that seem to see straight through me. “Are you able to change the reservation to five?” Chaz whispers.

I tear my gaze away from Becca and look down at her. Her lips press together, her face pleading. “How about I call and make it for four? You go spend time with them.” I reach into my pocket and pull out some cash, but she covers my hand to stop me.

“Josh. I’m not going to go—”

I turn my back on all of them, but she follows and stands in front of me, blocking my path. Squaring my shoulders, I try to keep it together. “I’m not going with them,” I say, my voice low, my words meant only for her.

“Why not?”

I sigh. “Please don’t make this awkward. You know why.” I push the cash into her hands, and she opens her mouth to speak, but I cut her off. “Please,” I beg. “You know I would if I could, but I can’t be around them.”