“You’re doing so good, baby,” Josh says, kissing my sweaty forehead and trying to remove his hand from my death grip.

“Kick off the stirrups if you need to, Becca,” my midwife, Dianna, says, “and when I tell you to, you’re going to need to push.”

“Kick, push,” Josh murmurs, smiling against my cheek.

The pain triples, and I squeeze Josh’s hand harder. “Okay, push, Becca!” Dianna yells.

Tears fill my eyes, but I do as she says. I kick, and push, and on my third attempt, the pain disappears as if it was never there. Josh breathes out, his lips to mine, “Olive Juice, baby. So much.”

Delirious and confused, I look between my legs at the tiny human we’d created. “Is it okay?” I sign to Josh, trying to catch my breath.

“She…” Dianna—familiar with ASL—says, smiling up at me.

A moment later, the room fills with tiny, innocent cries that have Josh moving toward our daughter. “She’s perfect,” he says. “Baby, she’s so perfect.”

I reach out for them, my tears flowing fast and free, and by the time I have my baby girl in my arms, I’m consumed with relief, with overwhelming elation, and with unconditional love for her and her daddy. I place my finger in her tiny hands and she grasps on to it like it’s been done so many times before.

She’s so tiny, so pure, and so beyond perfection I find it hard to breathe.

“She’s got your nose,” Josh whispers.

“Let me know when you’re ready,” Dianna says. “Tommy’s waiting just outside.”

I didn’t make a birth plan, knowing that it was unlikely we’d actually stick to it. The one and only thing I wanted was for Tommy to be with us as soon as possible. I wanted him to be the first to see her, to hold her, to love her.

I hope he loves her.

I hope he doesn’t feel like he’s going to be replaced by her.

I hope he knows that I love him as my own.

“I’m ready now,” I sign.

Dianna nods and makes her way to the door. “You can come in, sweetheart,” she whispers.

I sit up in the bed when Tommy peers in the room. “Is it ready?” he asks.

“You got a little sister, bud,” Josh tells him, while I wave for him to join us.

Tommy grins wide, a nervous giggle bubbling out of him. “Can I hold her?”

“You have to be really careful,” Josh says, making a spot on the bed for him.

Tommy sits, his legs crossed and his arms ready for me to place her gently there. “She’s so little and cute,” he whispers, looking up at me. Josh navigates Tommy’s hands so he’s holding the back of her head in place.

“She likes you,” I sign to Tommy.

Tommy giggles again. “She has to like me, I’m her big brother.” He looks down at her. “Did you hear that, Chazarae?” he says, knowing our plans to name her after Grams if she was a girl. “I’m Tommy. I’m your big brother. And I’m going to take care of you, and love you, and be there for you always. And I’m never going to let anybody or anything ever hurt you. Ever.” He rocks her slowly from side to side, his boyish voice filling the air. “Somewhere, over the rainbow…”

For the first time, Baby Chazarae’s eyes open, seeming to lock on Tommy’s. Tommy stops singing and smiles down at her. “She has your eyes, Becs.”

I smile and kiss her tiny button nose. Then I look up at Josh, who sniffs once and rubs his eyes. “Thank you,” he says, his hand taking mine. “Thank you for giving me you, for giving me our daughter. You’re going to be an amazing mother, Becs. I don’t ever want you to doubt that.”

Tommy looks up now, his eyes narrowed at me. “Why would you doubt that?” he asks me. “You’ve been my mother for years…” He glances at Josh, a mixture of confusion and innocence. “Right, Dad?”

“That’s right, bud,” Josh answers, his voice soft.

And as I look down at our daughter in the arms of her big brother, any ounce of doubt, of fear, leave me in a rush and I know that they’re right. I can feel it.

A mother’s intuition.

“Can you get my purse?” I sign to Josh. “And Dad… can you get him?”

After Josh pokes his head out the door, Dad enters the room, his eyes trailing my body making sure I’m okay. When he sees Tommy and baby Chaz next to me, a slow smile forms, a build-up of emotions. “You okay, sweetheart?” he asks.

I nod, my eyelids heavy.

Josh returns with my purse and I reach inside for my wallet, for the piece of worn paper that’d been neglected for years. I unfold it, not wanting it to rip, and I scan The List—the list of fears. I let the memories flood me, each conquered fear… each captured moment. But none of them compare to this one.

Not even close.

I look up at my dad and remember the promise I’d made him make… that he’d be with me when I crossed off each fear. Then I pick up the pen from the side table and pause a moment, re-reading the only item left unmarked.

Go back to the house of nightmares and face my demons.

Slowly, I move the pen from left to right, each letter, then word, marked for eternity. Tommy’s voice continues to fill the room, his words a perfect melody for his perfect baby sister.

“You went home?” Dad asks.

I shake my head.

Josh whispers, sitting down next to me, “Then, how? Why?”

I offer him a smile, along with my tears, and then my lips move, my heavy breath creating the whispered words, “Because I no longer fear it.”

THE END

Other Books by Jay McLean

More Than Series

More Than This (Bk 1)

More Than Her (Bk 2)

More Than Him (Bk 3)

More Than Forever (Bk 4)

More Than Enough (Bk 5)

The Road Series

Where the Road Takes Me

Kick Push

Combative Trilogy

Combative

Redemptive

Destructive (Coming Soon)

Boy Toy Chronicles

Volume One

About Jay McLean

Jay McLean is an international best-selling author and full-time reader, writer of New Adult Romance, and most of all, procrastinator. When she’s not doing any of those things, she can be found running after her two little boys, playing house and binge watching Netflix.

She writes what she loves to read, which are books that can make her laugh, make her hurt and make her feel.

Jay lives in the suburbs of Melbourne, Australia, in a forever half-done home where music is loud and laughter is louder.

Connect with Jay:

Facebook Page: buff.ly/1ETfmOq

Facebook Fan Group: buff.ly/1ETfkpQ

 buff.ly/1ETfkpR

 buff.ly/1ETfmOv

Web: buff.ly/1ETfn4K

 jayjaymcleanauthor

For publishing rights (Foreign & Domestic) Film, or television, please contact her agent Erica Spellman-Silverman, at Trident Media Group.