I sighed, knowing we were getting nowhere. I was feeling overwhelmed. My head hurt and the last thing I wanted was to get into another screaming argument that ended with Flynn throwing things and me feeling like a total asshole for provoking him.

I was starting to feel…trapped.

“I’m going to New York,” I said suddenly.

Flynn nodded. “I know. We’re planning the trip,” he said.

I braced myself and then continued. “No, I’m going to New York by myself.”

Flynn looked confused and bewildered. “No, Ellie, we’re going together. We talked to Leonard about it, remember?”

“I know that was the original plan, but I think…” I took a deep breath. “I think I need to go by myself. I need a break. I need to think about some things and get my head on straight.”

Flynn dropped the clay on the table with an audible thud. “You don’t want me to go with you,” he surmised, his voice now flat and unemotional.

“I just think it would be best if I went on my own. I know you don’t really want to go anyway,” I said quietly, not meeting his eyes. I stared at his fingers, still molding the clay. I could see the tension in his wrists and it hurt my heart to know that it was because of me.

But all I was doing was hurting him.

Since coming back to Wellston I had been trying to build a life that just didn’t seem to be going anywhere. And my unhappiness was affecting Flynn. He was trying…but maybe he shouldn’t. Perhaps the best thing I could do would be to let him live the life he had created without me in it.

But the thought of that was like a knife to the gut.

“You’re going to New York,” he repeated, as though needing the confirmation.

“I’m going to New York,” I said.

We were quiet, letting the words hang in the air.

“Will you come back?” he asked.

I winced at his question. But I had to answer him truthfully. He deserved no less.

“I don’t know.”

**

I left for New York the following morning.

Our last evening together was stilted and uncomfortable. Flynn barely spoke to me and I knew that I had wounded him deeply by choosing to take this trip on my own.

I almost changed my mind at least a dozen times. Because when Flynn hurt, I hurt.

But I was in a tailspin that I didn’t know how to get out of.

I just needed some distance to put things in perspective.

I needed to be reminded that there was an Ellie outside of Wellston. That I had been that girl for three years. Because I felt as though I was losing the girl who had been independent and competent. Full of hope and belief in a better future for herself.

I put my small bag in the back of my car. I stood there with my keys in my hand, staring up at the house that had always been my sanctuary. With my mind in such a bad place, it no longer felt that way. It felt like a prison.

Flynn hadn’t come out with me. He had stayed in the house. I could see Murphy through the window.

I had told Flynn I wasn’t sure I was coming back but could I bear not seeing this house again?

How could I ever live with losing Flynn?

I didn’t know anything anymore.

I had started to get in my car when Flynn appeared in the doorway, his hands jammed firmly in his pockets.

“Goodbye,” he called out.

My chest constricted painfully at his words. “You know, sometimes goodbye is just see ya later. So let’s say that instead,” I said, with a hint of smile. A smile he didn’t return.

He stared at me for a time and then turned around and headed back into the house. No more words.

Why did this feel so final?

Why did it feel like an end?

I didn’t linger. I got in my car and left before the tears could fall.

I had called Nadine and told her I was coming for the weekend…by myself.

“Potato chips,” I whispered when she answered the phone, not able to say anything more than that.

“Shit. You’re using the safe word. I don’t have any cavalry, Ellie! Crap, where am I going to get some cavalry?”

“No cavalry, Nadine, I just need to get away.”

“By yourself?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I answered tiredly

She didn’t grill me for more but I knew I wasn’t off the hook. She would want to know exactly what had happened. I wasn’t sure I could explain it myself.

Driving up through New York City made it impossible for me to dwell too much on my problems. After almost getting t-boned twice and nearly sideswiped a half dozen times, I was lucky I still had my own hair by the time I parked my car outside of Nadine’s walk up in a quaint neighborhood in Queens.

Her apartment building was loud. Music and laughter, voices and conversation echoed through the walls.

Nadine lived on the fifth floor and my legs were burning by the time I reached her floor, since the elevator was out of commission.

“Ellie!” Nadine shrieked after I knocked on the door. She gave me a quick hug before pulling me into her apartment. I dropped my bag on the floor.

“Bathroom,” I said, feeling as though my bladder was about to burst.

“That way.” Nadine pointed to a door just off the small living area. I all but ran towards it. The bathroom was tiny, even by my standards. The shower stall (no bathtub), toilet, and sink were crammed into a space the size of Flynn’s closet. I banged my elbow on the wall when I bent over to pull my pants back up.

I walked back out into the living room and Nadine handed me a beer. “I’m so glad you’re here!” She grinned and tapped my bottle with hers.