Behind him, Josiah spoke again. “Miss you...”

Tristan didn’t stop, didn’t tell him, even though he’d miss Josiah, too.

***

“What’s it like? How does the weather feel?” Tristan’s mom asked when he sat beside her at the window.

“You can go out, if you want. I’ll go with you. We don’t have to go far.” He waited, hoped her answer would be different than it was any other time he’d asked.

“You know I can’t, Tris. In my head, I know, I get that it’s crazy, but... I’m safe in here. I wasn’t safe out there.”

The heartburn came back. This time, his body somehow felt frozen at the same time. As though he couldn’t move.

“I get myself in trouble out there,” she whispered.

“No.” He shook his head. “It was never your fault. People took advantage of you. Abused you. It was never your fault.”

“If I had been stronger... I was your mom. I should have known better. I made so many mistakes, Tristan.”

Ice and fire. All he felt was ice and fire. “You did the best you could. We’re good now. No one will hurt you again.”

At that, she smiled. “Sorry. I’m being a downer. It’s been a bad day.”

“What happened?”

“Nothing. I don’t want to talk about it. I want to talk about you. You were smiling when you came in, Tristan. You do that more lately.”

One, two, three, four, five.

“I’m the same as I’ve always been.” But he knew that wasn’t true. In some ways he was, but he didn’t feel as alone anymore. Not with the walks and sharing dinner with someone else every day.

“You’re different and you know it. I’d like to meet him, whoever he is.”

The thought of bringing Josiah here, of introducing him to his mom, of Josiah seeing what Tristan allowed to happen, made him nauseous. “There is no one. And I thought you were determined it would be a she?”

“I wanted there to be someone. If you haven’t noticed, I don’t get out much. Isabel is the only person I know.”

His mom smiled, but Tristan didn’t. That wasn’t funny at all.

“Humor me for a second, will you? I’ll believe there is no one, but tell me... if there was, what would he be like? You’re my son. I want to pretend you can be happy. That I didn’t screw everything up.”

Tristan looked down at his wrist. Tried to find his pulse with his eyes rather than with his finger. Slam, slam, slam, slam. He closed the door on all his thoughts. Just spoke...and felt. “He would be kind, loyal. Stronger than he realized. Braver than most people thought. He’d like coffee and cooking. He’d like to walk, and he’d always feed the birds.”

His mom reached over and grabbed his hand. “That sounds nice. He sounds nice.”

Tristan squeezed her hand back. “He would be.”

Chapter Fourteen

Josiah

A soft buzzing sound pulled Josiah out of sleep. He pulled a pillow over his head, trying to ignore it, but the buzz continued. He could tell it was a cell phone, but his wasn’t on vibrate, and Tristan always had his with him.

Buzz.

Sitting up, Josiah felt around the mattress, his fingers wrapping around Tristan’s cell.

“Josiah, I can’t walk with you this morning.” Tristan’s hand had cupped his face before dawn. “I won’t be home until late, either. I’m in court, and it’s an important case.”

Josiah remembered Tristan bending to kiss him before he’d gone ahead and flipped back the blankets to get up. They’d kissed before Tristan left, Josiah went for his walk, and then came back home to nap before class.

Tristan would lose it when he realized he’d dropped his phone.

It stopped ringing, and Josiah got up to get dressed. Maybe he could get ahold of someone at Tristan’s office and drop the cell off there.

Immediately it started to ring again, from the same number. He let it go to voicemail, but the person called right back.

Nerves bundled in his stomach. He knew Tristan valued his privacy, and didn’t want to do anything to betray that, but then, what if it was important? What if something was wrong?

With shaky fingers, he answered. “Hello?”

“Who is this?” A soft, female voice asked.

“Josiah. I’m a friend of Tristan’s.” Thoughts began to spout in his head. This was Tristan’s mom. Josiah didn’t have a doubt in his mind.

“Is Tristan there? He didn’t answer. He always answers his phone, and I was worried.”