I swallowed hard. What friends? Caroline? Andrew? Would they even want to be around me when I was a black hole of a being? I didn’t care. What would I say anyway?

“If you agree and sign the release paperwork, then you can go home afterward. Any questions?” he asked, patting my arm.

He was being firm but also empathetic, and I didn’t deserve it. Any of it.

“How long?” I asked in a whisper of a breath so I didn’t crack in half from the pain.

He knew what I meant, and gave me a sympathetic smile before dealing my fate. “Indefinitely. You’ll be on the medication until we get you going with some serious trauma therapy. This episode, this ‘parataxic distortion’ you experienced, it will come back. It always does until it’s dealt with. But with how fragile you are right now, we have to wait until you can handle it because it will dig at your core and bring up all sorts of nasty memories you’ve suppressed and buried for years.”

Just say it…say the word… Broken. A step away from being institutionalized.

But he didn’t. There was no way I could come up with a better plan, and I was scared to do the trauma work. I’d avoided it in the past with him, because I didn’t want to go that deep… because I knew I couldn’t survive it. So, I did what I always did. I nodded my head like a good little girl, swallowed my terror, signed a damn paper and went on my way.

When signing my release, I looked at the date on the form and was stunned to see it was Saturday. It didn’t seem like that much time had passed to me. Hours, maybe, but in actuality it was a little over three days.

Dr. Morgenson called me a cab after he gave me my personal belongings, and I stepped back into the ninth circle of hell: my condo. An empty inferno where I would suffer alone.

Two days without Nathan, and I had nothing but my pain to keep me company…at least until Monday, when I returned to work and entered a whole other, deeper level of hell.

The pills did their job, though I didn’t end up needing the sleeping pills. Sleep was something my mind begged for so I could shut out the pain. I didn’t dream much, for which I was thankful. The other pills kept my mind groggy, and I felt like I was sleepwalking through the day.

It didn’t take it all away. It only dulled the edges of the sharp stabbing pain. Now it was a general ache, a dull throbbing sensation as I zombie-walked through existence.

I parked in my regular spot, noticing Nathan’s car was also in his normal spot. Creatures of habit. My breathing was even, the medication wouldn’t allow me to hyperventilate, but it didn’t stop my mind from dreading what I would see in Nathan’s eyes. Rejection. Absolute repugnance at a woman who was not worth talking to, not worth thinking about, not worth having in his life. Only worth f**king until he was done.

Now he was done. He got what he needed, what he wanted, and we were over. I was expendable. I would have to go back to what I knew, fading away into the background.

With quiet steps, I walked into the confined space I’d shared with Nathan over the past five months. It was with great trepidation that I placed one foot in front of the other and moved forward. My eyes avoided his desk as I sat down at my own.

I turned on my computer and put away my purse. I didn’t look at him, didn’t speak to him, and tried to ignore his presence entirely.

A difficult task because I could still smell him and, per usual, he smelled divine. No medication could block that out.

I wanted to drown myself in liquor every night, but I knew it would make things worse. If things got worse Andrew and Caroline would tell Dr. Morgenson and he’d have me committed faster than I could blink.

However, if I remained lucid enough, I would still be allowed outside, could still work. I’d be left alone. At work I could still see him.

“Good morning, Delilah,” he said in a whisper.

I cringed against his words and ignored them, turning my attention to anything that wasn’t related to him.

Nathan didn’t blink or move, but he breathed. In and out. So did I…only just.

The day had dragged in silence and dread. There had been a pervasive, steady, low level of anxiety pumping through my body the whole time.

If Nathan had been stressed, it hadn’t shown at all; he was hidden deep within himself, behind the blank expression he wore.

He left at precisely five o’clock with a small “good night,” and I wondered if that was how it would be from then on.

I waited a few extra minutes until he was out of the vicinity before I gathered up my belongings and prepared to leave. It was one thing to see him at his desk, it was another to watch him leave, knowing he would not be going home with me. That was too hard to watch.

“You leaving?” Andrew called to me from the door.

“Yeah,” I managed to choke out, my focus returning to the trivial task at hand.

“Lila, I’m glad you’re back.” He didn’t mention what he knew about my situation, my hospitalization. I wasn’t even sure he knew Nathan had left me.

One look in Andrew’s eyes told me he knew it all, but he knew how much it would destroy me to hear him talk about it, so he stuck to safe subjects like dinner.

“Want to go get something to eat?” he asked, being the sweetheart he was.

I shook my head. “No. I’m tired. I’m going to go home and crash.”

A look of concern crossed his face. “Will you text me when you get home?”

“Drew.” There was a hint of annoyance in my tone. He was big-brothering me, but I had to admit that deep down I liked it on some level. It was a sign someone gave a shit about me, even if Nathan didn’t.

When did my world begin to revolve around Nathan? I’m sure Dr. Morgenson would have something to say about that.

“Just humor me,” he said with a genuine, caring smile.

Why? Why did he care? He didn’t understand me, not really. No one did. Only Nathan, and he didn’t want what he saw.

“Okay,” I agreed, not sure if I was lying to him or not.

I’d deal with that when I got home.

“Caroline told me to tell you she’s going to call you tonight, too. She had to leave work early today.”

I grunted something unintelligible, shifted in my chair as I grabbed my belongings.

“Night.”

The drive home was drab, but familiar, so I survived without any additional pain. It wasn’t until I stepped through the door of my condo and looked around at the barrenness, that I choked.