“I remember what it sounded like, when the bullets were going into her, into the glass. I got to my weapon. I got to it as we were going down, as she was taking me down with her. She was already dead, and he kept putting bullets into her. I put five into him.”

His eyes met Lil’s now, and they were ice blue in color, in expression. She thought: This is the change. More than anything else, this is what marked him.

“I remember every one of them. Two mid-body as I was falling, three more-right hip, leg, abdomen-after I hit the sidewalk. It all took less than thirty seconds. Some ass**le recorded it on his cell phone.”

It had seemed so much longer, eons longer. And the jumpy video hadn’t captured the way Dory’s body had jerked against his, or the feel of her blood flooding over his hands.

“He emptied his clip. Two bullets went through the glass, one went into me. The rest, he put into her.”

Coop paused, drank some water. “So I needed a change.”

Her chest was full to aching as she put her hand over his. She could see it, so clearly. Hear it-the shots, the screams, the breaking glass. “Your grandparents don’t know. They never said anything about this, so they don’t know.”

“No. I wasn’t hurt that bad. Treat and release. A few stitches. They didn’t know Dory, so why tell them? It was a good shoot. I didn’t get any trouble over it, not with Dory dead on the sidewalk, all the witnesses, and that ass**le’s phone recording. But I couldn’t be a cop anymore, couldn’t work out of the squad, couldn’t do it. Besides”-he shrugged now-“there’s more money in private.”

She’d said that, hadn’t she? Casually, carelessly when she’d seen him again. How she wished she could take it back. “Did you have someone? When it happened, did you have someone there for you?”

“I didn’t want anyone for a while.”

Because she understood, she nodded, said nothing. Then he turned his hand over, laced his fingers with hers. “And when I did, I thought about calling you.”

Her hand flexed, a little jerk of surprise. “You could have.”

“Maybe.”

“There’s no maybe, Coop. I’d have listened. I’d’ve come to New York to listen if you’d needed or wanted it.”

“Yeah. I guess that’s why I didn’t call you.”

“How does that make sense?” she wondered.

“There are a lot of contradictions and twists when it comes to you and me, Lil.” He brushed his thumb, lightly, over the inside of her wrist. “I thought about staying here tonight, talking you into bed.”

“You couldn’t.”

“We both know I could.” He tightened his grip on her hand until she looked at him. “Sooner or later, I will. But tonight, the timing’s off. Timing counts.”

All her softer feelings hardened. “I’m not here for your convenience, Cooper.”

“There’s nothing convenient about you, Lil.” His free hand snaked up, gripped the back of her neck. And his mouth, hot, desperate, familiar, captured hers.

For the moment he held her, panic, excitement, need fought a short and vicious little war inside her.

“There’s nothing convenient about that,” he muttered when he released her.

He rose, took their empty bowls to the sink.

“Lock up after me,” he ordered, and left her.

PART TWO. HEAD

The head is always the dupe of the heart.

– LA ROCHEFOUCAULD

11

March bit like a tiger, stalking from the north to spring in a killing leap over the hills and valleys. Snow and ice plunged out of the sky, cracking tree limbs with their weight, downing power lines, and turning roads into treachery.

At the refuge, Lil and any of the staff or volunteers who could make it trudged, plowed, and shoveled while the relentless wind blew mountainous drifts into frigid ranges.

The animals retired to their dens, wandering out when the mood struck them to watch the humans shiver and swear. Bundled to the eyeballs, Lil crossed paths with Tansy.

“How’s our girl?” Lil asked, thinking of the lioness.

“Weathering this better than I am. I want a hot, tropical beach. I want the smell of sea and sunscreen. I want a mai tai.”

“Will you settle for hot coffee and a cookie?”

“Sold.” As they plodded their way toward Lil’s cabin, Tansy gave her friend a sidelong look. “You don’t smell like sea and sunscreen.”

“Neither would you if you’d been shoveling snow and shit.”

“And we’re the smart girls,” Tansy commented. “Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?”

“Even smart girls shovel shit. It should be a bumper sticker.” Lil stomped and scraped off snow, and felt her muscles quiver in response when the first shot of warmth inside the cabin hit her. “We got through the worst of it,” she said as she and Tansy stripped off gloves, hats, coats, scarves. “We’ll haul the dung over to the farm first chance. Nothing like shit for farming. And I’m going to insist this is the last ice storm of the season. Spring, with its flash flooding and acres of mud, can’t be far off.”

“Joy.”

Lil headed back to the kitchen to start coffee. “You’ve been Miss Cranky Scientist the last few days.”

“I’m tired of winter.” Scowling, Tansy dug a tube of ChapStick out of her pocket and smeared it on.

“I hear that. But I hear something else, too.” Lil opened a cupboard, pulled out her stash of Milano cookies, handed Tansy the bag. “And call me crazy, but I suspect the something else has a penis.”

Tansy gave her a droll look, and took a cookie. “I know a lot of some-things with penises.”

“Me too. They’re freaking everywhere.” Warm, and happy for a cookie break, Lil leaned back while the coffee brewed. “I have this theory. Want to hear it?”

“I’m eating your cookies, so I guess I’m obligated to.”

“Good. The penis is here to stay, so those of us without them must learn to appreciate, exploit, ignore, and/or utilize them, depending on our own needs and goals.”

Tansy poked out her bottom lip as she nodded. “It’s a good theory.”

“It is.” Lil got down mugs, poured the coffee for both of them. “As we’ve elected to work in what is still a male-dominated field, the ratio of us v. them may demand that we appreciate, exploit, ignore, and/or utilize more often than those of our species who have not elected to work in this field.”