“It wasn’t your fault, Jackson.” A tear falls down my cheek at how much pain and death he’s dealt with. “You didn’t kill your baby or your wife. It was tragic and awful, but you didn’t know. You didn’t do it on purpose.”

“In a matter of a year, there was five people’s blood on my hands. I was terrified of failing you too, and I did it anyway. I couldn’t have you look at me like that. It was my job to protect them and I failed every one of them.”

My throat aches and I try to get the words out. “Do you know what I see?” He looks up and then his eyes close. “I see a man who needs to forgive himself for something he couldn’t control. You didn’t purposely put anyone in danger. Bad things happened, but you didn’t kill anyone. You’re not capable of doing that.”

“I can’t lose you, Catherine. I couldn’t tell you. I didn’t want you to see me that way. I left her, and she died.” Jackson’s hands cup my face. “I lost my wife and child and the last words I said to her were how I wished I was fucking deployed again so I didn’t have to deal with Raven. I vowed after she died I wouldn’t ever give myself the chance to hurt anyone else. Then you fell into my lap—literally. I tried not to love you. I tried to keep at a distance, but when I’d see you … I wanted you more.”

“Our entire relationship has been one thing after another,” I sigh as his thumbs rub my cheek.

It’s been a lot of hurt, but we did have good times with laughter, playfulness, and love. I wish there was more of that because the bad times make those feel minimal. Watching our relationship fall apart has been agony, but Jackson taught me a lot. I learned how to love again when I thought I couldn’t.

“In the six years I was married to Madelyn, I never in my dreams imagined loving anyone as much as her—then came you. You make me feel alive. You give me hope that I can be more of a man than I was then. You showed me how to love again. I never felt like I did after you walked away. Doesn’t that say something?”

My heart sinks because as much as I understand him, I’m leaving. I move in four days and here is the man that I loved and still love, but now what? Everything’s different. Those weeks changed the course of my life and I don’t know if I can go back. It doesn’t negate the fact that if he’d told me all of this I wouldn’t be faced with this choice. Or if I was, we could’ve navigated this together. If I give everything up for him, then what? If in four months something else happens and our worlds fall apart, can we handle it then? All of the questions swirl around in my head, but I already know the answers.

He looks into my eyes and pulls me close, pressing his forehead to mine. “Give me tonight. Don’t say anything, just give me tonight,” Jackson says before pressing his lips to mine.

The desperation rolls off of him in waves. He coaxes my lips apart and I allow him entry. Gently tilting my head, he kisses me deeply and reverently. I feel his hand lower to my back and he lays me down. My brain ceases to exist. I want to feel. I want to have him in my body and my soul because I don’t know if I’ll ever find a love like this again. And even with all that was exposed tonight, I can’t give up everything for him. I can’t give up my dreams. So I’ll give him tonight, and pray tomorrow doesn’t kill me.

Every muscle is tight as if someone is pulling me apart from the inside out. He kisses me languidly and ardently. All I want is more. I want aggression and roughness because the tenderness is breaking me. I want to forget. I need to get lost in him and for the world to fade away. No jobs, no loss, no sadness … only us.

His lips leave mine as he kisses from my neck to my collarbone. “I’ve missed you so much,” Jackson says quietly as he pulls the strap of my dress down, exposing my shoulder.

I close my eyes and memorize the way his lips feel against my skin.

He lowers the zipper of my dress. “We don’t have to do this,” I say unsure of what I’m feeling. He bared his soul, told me about the loss of his wife and child—it feels wrong knowing tomorrow I have to leave.

Jackson turns me to him, cups my cheeks, and waits for me to look at him. “I need you. I need every part of you. You make me whole.”

My chest is weighted by his words because I’m going to hurt him. I know I am and I think he knows it too. “Just for tonight,” I say hoping he understands. “You have me.”

Without answering he lowers his lips to mine, stopping all conversation. I close my mind off. If I think about what this is, it’ll kill me. The loss that this man has endured, the pain that we’ve caused each other, is too much. But if he needs this, then he can take from me. I’ve taken enough from him.

“You’re so beautiful,” Jackson says letting me know he in no way takes this moment for granted. My dress comes off. He leaves on my heels and I lie here as he admires me while taking off his uniform.

“Let me,” I say, sitting up.

Each button that I undo I lose a part of myself—a part of us.

Trust. I trusted him. I trusted us—but we failed.

Another button.

Hope. We shared hope that we would be enough for each other.

Another button.

Security. He made me feel safe, loved, adored.

Another button.

He stops my hands from moving and he removes the tears I try to stifle. “Stay with me.”

I nod as his shirt falls. He removes his undershirt and my eyes fall to the scar on his chest. It’s no longer red and angry, but it serves as a reminder of how close I came to losing him forever. The scar marks a time that I will never forget. But I don’t want to remember any of it because it’ll make telling him about the job that much harder. My stomach churns and I struggle to hold it together.

“Jackson, make me forget,” I plead. I need to do anything but feel.

His lips crush mine and he lays me down. I relish in the way his tongue dances with mine, volleying for control. When his hands softly graze against my body I shiver. The weight of him on top of me holds me together. His arms press me against him and I’m whole once again.

Releasing me, he never breaks eye contact, forcing me to stay in the moment and not retreat into my head. Jackson’s eyes swim with emotion, but he slowly moves his lips to mine while he removes my bra.

“Every part of you belongs to me,” he whispers against my lips.

“Take me.”

Slowly his tongue glides to my neck as he makes his way to my chest. When his mouth latches on to my nipple, I cry out in pleasure. Jackson’s tongue circles it slowly and then he licks his way to my other breast, lavishing it with the same attention.

“I love you,” he says as he makes his way to my stomach.

Every part of me wants to tell him how much I love him. Every cell in my body is crying out to give in to him, but I fight it. I resist it because I know it doesn’t change the position we’re in.

“Please,” I beg so he’ll stop talking.

Jackson slips my panties down my legs and his fingers brush against my clit and my back bows off the floor. “Jackson,” I sigh as he spreads my legs apart and I feel the scruff of his cheek against my thigh. The roughness sets my body on fire. All I want is to stay in this moment forever. Just the two of us tonight, because I don’t want this night to end. I want to freeze time and live right here forever.