“Of course he wants you here. Why do you keep saying shit like this?” he asks.

He doesn’t know I walked away from her like I did. He doesn’t know the pussy I was and the dick move I made when I got the call. I went there and things happened so fast. I was ready to tell her everything. We were going to talk and figure our shit out. Then I got the call from Mark and I lost it. The failure of not being able to save someone else weighs on me.

“You don’t understand. When he left—”

“Knock, knock,” an unfamiliar voice says.

“Is everything okay? The last nurse was just here.” Catherine’s voice is strained.

“We’re going to give him a little more meds to keep him comfortable,” an older woman’s voice comes through. “He’s been having some irregularity in his heart rate.”

“Is he okay?” Catherine asks, sounding scared.

I’m fine. Just pissed off.

“Yes, we’re going to make sure he’s not in any pain,” the nurse explains.

“Jackson.” Catherine’s small hands caress my face. “I’ll be right back. I have to take Ashton to the airport.” Her lips press against my cheek and she leans in close to my ear whispering so only I can hear her. “I love you. You’re it for me, so don’t go anywhere.” I feel her lips press against my face again as the meds drag me into the black.

“He’s crashing!” The helicopter noise drowns out most sounds but I hear them frantically screaming. “Stay with us, Cole. Only two more minutes.”

Two minutes. I can hold on for two minutes.

My eyes fly open as they work on my chest and inject something into my IV. Jesus Christ, I can’t take much more. The fighting and trying to hang on is exhausting. I want to be done. I want the fucking black and numbness because there’s no pain there.

“Give him another round of epi,” the medic calls out while he stabs something into my chest.

The sound of my gasps and gurgling is horrifying. I’m going to die. I feel it in every bone in my body. The blood loss from the three gunshot wounds I sustained is too much. Even in this state I feel pain. It runs from head to toe and amplifies with each second that passes.

“Hang on, buddy, we’re almost there,” he yells in my face trying to make me focus.

The helicopter touches down and I’m moving before we stop. The colors of light flash quickly as I’m being pulled out and thrown on a gurney. The sun is blinding and each part of me feels heavy as they run toward the hospital. I want to scream out—yell at the top of my lungs to let me die. I don’t want to feel any more. I close my eyes and I see her again. I see her dark brown eyes glaring at me. I hear her quiet cries and it tears at my soul. Her face is contorted in pain. The tears are filling in her eyes as she refuses to break contact.

“Don’t leave me,” I hear Catherine call out but her voice is fading.

“Prep him for surgery. Now. Trauma one.” There are voices all around yelling different orders. Trying to get control. People barking numbers but I can’t focus. I open my eyes and only see the bright light above. Either God is calling or it’s one of those bright ass lights they use in the hospital.

I moan and try to move my arm but someone clamps it.

A man in a blue mask comes into view trying to get me to focus. “Stay still, Cole. We’re going to take you into surgery. You need to calm down. Knock him out. Now!”

Calm? He’s fucking joking, right? I can’t calm down.

“Catherine!” I scream out.

Another fucking flashback. I can’t determine what’s reality anymore.

I’m tired of being tired. When I’m in this awake but paralyzed state, I’m battling my mind and my body. I want to tell Catherine what I think and feel. But my goddamn body won’t get with the fucking program.

Then the fucking nightmares exhaust my mind. Haunting me with the shooting—forcing me to recall everything over and over. Either I see the bullets ripping through me or I see the aftermath. I’d rather go through Hell Week again—at least there we had fun crawling through dirt and mud.

“It’s been four days and he still hasn’t woken up, Mark.” Catherine sounds weary and worn.

“I know, Kitty.”

“You know I hate that,” she replies and I imagine her eyes rolling.

“Yeah, well, since I don’t have Muff here to give shit to … you’re the next best thing.” His laughter is short and forced.

I’ve known him long enough to hear the fear. It’s the voice we used when we were on a mission and things were going south. Full of lies but the words we needed to hear to get through it. Sometimes you need reassurance things are going to be fine even though you know they’re not. He’s doing his best to hold out for her. I must be in worse shape than I imagined.

The small hairs on the back of my hand move when she breathes. The ability to feel it gives me hope I’m coming around. Maybe soon I can open my damn eyes.

“I’m happy I amuse you, Twilight.” That’s my girl. Give it back to the fucknugget. “When do you have to head back to the States?”

“Soon. I have to make sure the rest of the contracts run smoothly and are under control, but …” A chair scrapes across the floor. “I can’t leave yet, Cat. I know I need to, especially with Aaron gone, but …” He trails off and takes a deep breath. “We only have two other guys who know this shit like we do. I’ve been with him since day one. This company may have his name, but it has all our blood, sweat, and tears.”

Another chair grates making a loud sound. “Is the company in trouble? I can try to do some press stuff from here. Manage the story as much as possible. You know this is what I’m good at. Plus it’s my job. I can’t fail him.” Catherine seems anxious to help. She speaks quickly trying to get him on board.

She must be going out of her mind. Everything in her life stopped so she could be here. I have to wake up. But when I do, will any of it matter? I’ll be injured at the very least, and we’re broken.

“No, we’re okay for now. We have the contract in Afghanistan that’s still not in a good place, but I have a liaison in place. What about Raven?”

That stupid company. It’s tied to me and bringing me down. If I get rid of it, there’s a part of her that goes. If I don’t, there’s a part of me that will lose everything. Of course, there’s the fact that Catherine knows nothing of my past and what it all means. Who the fuck even knows if she’ll understand once everything comes to light? She may bolt and I don’t know if I’d blame her.

I remember how I felt when that prick, Neil, showed up at her house saying he was her fiancé. The idea of her being tied to anyone that closely ripped me apart and made me see red. I’m aware other men have had a place, but I still hate it.

“Raven is good. Danielle’s handling things well. I’ve released a few updates about his condition, and the shareholders seem to be staying put for now. There hasn’t been a dip in the stock either. I have a few people with ears to the ground if anything comes up. I cancelled my meetings with the press for next week. And pushed the launch off.” I feel her fingers brush my hair back. “I guess it’s a good thing he’s my job.” Catherine’s short laugh is followed by a sob. “God! I just sit here and look at him and ask the same question over and over. Why? Why is this happening? I’m so scared he’s not going to wake up. That we won’t have a chance to make things right and I c-can’t!”