It’s because I may have a chance to rekindle something with Brandon. We’re going to meet for dinner tonight, and this came on the heels of a text from Brandon saying he wanted to have “a serious discussion about our future together.” That text should have made me sigh with happiness but, sadly, I just felt a little “meh.”

The fact that I don’t have strong feelings one way or the other concerning Brandon has me perplexed. I keep expecting the four years of happiness we had will come washing back over me. Instead, it feels like such a distant memory that it makes me question if what we had was really all that great. I’m sure it was—I mean great for that time in my life. Young, in college, experiencing first love. But in just the short year we were apart, I’ve become different.

I’ve started my career, working long hours with little monetary reward, having nothing to show for my efforts, other than a few kids I’m able to bring back from the brink of destruction. Yet I live for those moments and they fuel me. I’ve learned to take care of myself. I’ve bought a home and I’ve completed many renovations to it all on my own. And it turns out I’m a pretty decent money manager, because after I pay all of my bills I even manage to put away some money into my savings account.

In other words, I’ve grown up a lot since Brandon and I broke up and I find that the security he once offered me no longer has the same allure.

All of these things rage through my mind, and because I’m so different, I have to wonder what it is exactly that Brandon can offer me. I have to wonder, why am I not feeling a strong pull to him? To the man I once loved?

I don’t think he broke me, because I never felt broken after we were over. I don’t think I’m bitter or angry with him. Again, fond feelings abound.

The feeling I’m getting is that maybe he’s just not enough for me right now, and that saddens me, because Brandon is truly a good man.

The more I think about it, Brandon has spent the past year living large and making the most of his single life. He’s probably been with countless women and enjoyed, to some extent, having no responsibilities to a committed relationship. I don’t begrudge him that. He was honest with me as to what he needed, and I have to give him points for not cheating on me.

But it makes me wonder…have I been missing something?

So yeah, I’m really questioning this whole Brandon thing and whether it’s smart to open myself back up to him. Shelley and I talked about it last night, and she’s never been a Brandon fan after he dumped me. She’s obviously pushing me to stay far away from him.

I also made the mistake of telling her about Alex last night after I got home and called her, and she now has it in her head that I need to be concentrating my efforts there. That, of course, was after she Googled him and saw his picture since, like me, she knows nothing about hockey.

Holy shit. Look at this pic I found of Alex, she had texted me just this morning along with a photo of him taken while he was running outside. It looked like a professional shot because the lighting was perfect and he was staring straight into the camera with his blue eyes shimmering in the sun. He was wearing only a pair of running shorts that came to mid-thigh, and his chest was bare but slicked with sweat. He was carrying his iPod in one hand and had his earbuds in. Slightly damp with sweat, his hair was sticking to his forehead and temples while the longer black locks bounced with his stride.

God, he was stunning.

Where did you find that pic? I texted back, because I was thinking of getting it and blowing it up to life size to mount above my bed.

Article about him in a fitness mag. You and Alex would make beautiful babies.

I had to laugh at her…blow her off, because it’s silly, really. But it was fun to giggle and whisper last night with my bestie about how hot Alex is while we both drank wine with our phones pressed to our ears, and it was fun to text her back and forth this morning over the picture she sent me.

But that’s all this is…just a little bit of fun.

My phone buzzes on my desk and I lift the receiver to my ear. “The fabulous Sutton Price at your service.”

“Hey, doll face,” Minnie drawls into the phone. “Your lunch appointment is here.”

“Lunch appointment?” I ask, confused, even as I pull up my calendar on my computer and see there’s nothing scheduled.

“Yeah—tall, dark and handsome, pretty blue eyes,” she says, and my stomach flip-flops at the image of Alex standing in the lobby. “He’s right on time.”

“He’s not on my schedule,” I say lamely.

“No, but he called first thing this morning and wanted to know if you were free for lunch and I told him you were.”

“Minnie!” I exclaim, both annoyed and pleased with her at the same time. Annoyed that she would take such a liberty and pleased for some unholy reason I cannot fathom that I will be seeing Alex soon.

“Get your tush up here,” she says, completely unfazed. Then she whispers into the phone, “Oh, and don’t forget to put on lipstick.”

Minnie hangs up on me and I just stare blankly at my computer for a moment. Placing the phone back in the cradle, I stand from my desk and smooth my skirt down. My fingers come up to push behind my ears some wispy strays that have fallen out of my ponytail. I step around my desk and start for the door.

I stop.

I turn back around and grab my purse.

I head for the door again, then I stop.

I reach in my purse and grab some lip gloss, dabbing a little on, because Minnie told me to and I don’t want to disappoint her.