So I went with the flow, enjoyed her company, ignored her reasons on why we should get married, but when she asked me to buy her things, and then get mad when I said no, I started to pull away. While I didn’t mind it before, dinner here, a beer there, and maybe some knickers for me to tear off, I did mind when she asked me to buy her a car. I said no, of course, because that was just crazy to me. She wasn’t my fiancée or my wife, so why would I? She then accused me of not loving her, which I didn’t, and when I said that, she said some really awful things, one being the only reason she stayed with me for so long was for a new car.

I know, a bitch right?

But losing her and learning from her only made me keep the people that matter close to heart, and it also made my wall when it came to outsiders extra thick. With Kane though, I was pretty much an open book. I could never shut him out, nor would I. I glanced up at him to find him chewing on a pen, his brow together as he typed something into the computer.

“So, she’s good looking?”

He didn’t look up, but I did see his mouth pull up at the side. He was really taken with this girl, and I was actually looking forward to meeting her. “Yeah, she’s a looker, that’s for sure.”

“Maybe I’ll go up to the pub with you, check her out.”

That makes him look up, and I can tell that he doesn’t believe me. I smile as I shrug. “I’m nervous.”

He lets out a breath as he pulls the pen out of his mouth, pointing at me with it. “Don’t be. You act like you’re gonna walk in, and everyone is going to attack you! No one cares if you are out and about.”

“You know that is not true. There are blogs about me, and I’m in the paper if I do anything around here. Kane, people care. Don’t downplay us to make me feel better. I know where I come from.”

He waves me off. “Ah who cares, put a hat on. Let’s go get a few scoops down at the pub and have a bit of craic for a change. Be young and wild! You deserve it; no one can hate you or judge you for that.”

I shake my head. “I’m young but not wild, you know that. It’s easy for you. You don’t have this pressure on you to do what is expected. I do. It’s been that way since I was born.”

“I know and I get it, Dec, I do, but stop living for everyone else. Be one of the lads. Have a bit of fun!”

I laugh at that, and he smiles as he leans towards me. “Do something for you, Declan. Leave all these worries, the things that Keeva did, behind ya and find someone that makes you happy. You can’t hide behind these gates because if you do, you’ll not only lose everything, you’ll regret it too. I don’t want that for my best friend.”

I let out a long breath. “I already do.”

“Then let’s change it. Let’s go out, even if it is only once a week. At least you’re getting out.”

My heart speeds up, banging against my chest as I take in a lungful of air. “Where though? The pub?”

“The pub, a GAA match, go into town, a party, anything. You got to do things off this flippin’ land. I don’t even remember the last time we left together.”

I look away because I can’t remember either. I think it might be when my dad left from distillery to the office. “Yeah, I know.”

“Well, what do you say?” he asks with a wide grin.

I swallow loudly as I drum my fingers against the desk. Looking up at him, I shrug as I say, “I’ll think about it, okay?”

That doesn’t please him, and I can tell. He shakes his head as he leans back in his chair. “No, don’t think, just say yes. To start, let’s go to lunch off the property tomorrow. We can go to the pub and my future girl.”

I scratch my head, my fingers getting tangled in my curls. As much as I want to meet Fiona and try what he suggests, I can’t seem to make myself agree. “Ugh, I don’t know.”

He laughs. “Yes ya do, you don’t want to, but you know ya will. Ah, go on!”

“Fine, fine, yeah, I’ll go, but enough about that. Let’s get this done. I want to go fishing this afternoon and since you’re making me go to the pub, I’m making you go fishing.”

He groans but then he must realize that he won because a grin replaces his sullen look as he says, “Fine, I’ll bring the beer.”

After placing the boat on the water, I get in after pushing it off the bank. My little boat isn’t anything to be impressed with. I made it myself when Kane and I were ten. He isn’t much of a fisherman. He’d rather use the boat to bring ladies out, but me, I like to just be on the water. I may fish, read, or just lie at the bottom and let the sun warm my face. You know, maybe Kane is right, what man likes to do that for fun? Lie in the sun? What am I—a woman? For fuck’s sake.

“What’s wrong with you?”

I look up from where I’m baiting my line. “I think you’re right. I’m turning into a fucking girl.”

Kane laughs. “No, I wouldn’t let that happen.”

“I like to lie in this boat, alone, and let the sun warm my face.”

“Jaysus, what color are your lace knickers?”

“Fuck off!” I say, but he just laughs. “I feel like a fucking gobshite.”

“Don’t worry, you are, but everyone still loves you.”

I set him with a look that he just laughs off before throwing my line out and leaning back in the boat. As I wait for a bite, I glance over to find Kane holding his pole between his legs while he plays on his phone. I sort of hope that a fish bites and takes the pole, or maybe even him, into the water. That would be a show for sure. Knowing that he is bored, I ask, “Are you going to ask her out?”

He nods. “Soon enough, have to feel her out. Right now, I’m hot for her, but I don’t want to rush it, ya know?”

That has me chuckling. “When have you ever been worried about rushing it with a girl? You’re usually rushing straight into her bed or yours.”

Kane smiles as he nods. “Yeah, but it’s different with her. She has a smile that stuns me, and a body that makes my mouth water. I want to get to know her.”

I smile as I turn the reel, bringing my empty hook back. I don’t say anything as I re-bait; I’m too lost with my thoughts. Kane isn’t the type of guy to want to get to know anyone. He wants what he wants and goes on, so this Fiona must be something. It also makes me realize how much what he has been saying is true. I have locked myself up from the world, but who can blame me? When I leave the gates, it’s like I’m the freak show of the circus. Everyone stares, and I don’t know why. They do the same to my ma, da, and Lena, but they don’t care. They live as if they aren’t there. For me, it is different. It makes me nervous and makes me feel like every move I make could be the wrong one. I need to let this go though, because my friend could get married and have kids while I lie in my boat, watching the clouds pass by. Alone. And I don’t want that. Not at all.