I winced as I remembered the look on his face.

I closed my eyes and pushed the thought away. I would deal with that tomorrow. Tonight I was going to enjoy the success of the evening. It was a great night, except for Todd, yelling at me and me yelling at Ryan.

As I lay awake in the dark, I tried to visualize all the good things that happened tonight -- Jen raising all the money for the team, Kara's killer rendition of "I Will Survive," Diane and Tracy joining me in my song... .

But each time I started to feel happy, Ryan's hurt face popped into my head.

"Ow!" I exclaimed as I hit my head a little too hard, hoping that I could shake the thought loose.

"Penny," Tracy said groggily, "are you okay?"

No, no I'm not.

"Yes, I'm fine. Good night."

I really had to stop lying to my best friend.

And myself.

Chapter Thirty-five

THE CLOCK WASN'T MOVING FAST ENOUGH. I had been pacing in front of my locker for what seemed liked an eternity. Granted, I was at school a lot earlier than normal. I had asked my mom to drop me off this morning so I could be this early. My stomach tightened up -- Ryan would be here any minute.

He rounded the corner and took off his wool hat, making his hair a mess. He started to run his fingers through it to calm it, then looked up and saw me. He stopped for a second and then looked down as he approached his locker,

"Hey ..." I said to him.

He just nodded as he took off his puffy black winter coat.

I knew I deserved that.

"Ryan, I am really, really sorry about what I said. You know I didn't mean it"

He put his backpack in his locker and started to take out his books. I wondered how long it would be before he looked at me again.

"I know you didn't mean it," he said in a low voice, still not making eye contact. "The problem is you said it because you knew it would hurt me. Well, mission accomplished." He shook his head. "Out of everybody at the school, I thought you would be the last person to stoop so low."

He slammed his locker shut and started to walk away. He paused and turned to me, "You know what I've been doing every morning for the last few weeks? I drive to school

wondering which Penny I'm going to see at my locker today. Will it be the sweet, warm, and funny Penny or the cold and distant Penny? I practically hold my breath to see how you're going to react to me and then try to figure out what I did to deserve your behavior. That's why I didn't talk to you for those couple of weeks. I was hurt."

I stared at him. I couldn't deny what he was saying. I knew that I'd been erratic around him, and I couldn't tell him the real reason why.

He shook his head. "I just never know where I stand with you." He began to walk away.

"Wait." I ran to get in front of him. "I know what I said is unforgivable -- I really am so sorry. So much has happened the last couple months and, yes, I've taken some stuff out on you."

"Why?" He looked at me intensely.

"I..." I reached in my bag. "I...I wanted to give you this."

I held out my hand and gave Ryan the only thing I could think of to let him know how I really felt.

He reached out and examined the CD case. He opened it up and his expression changed as his finger traced the songs. "You made me this?" He looked up at me,

"Yes."

He studied the inside and read the inscription aloud. "From me to you . . ."

"It's from one of the songs -- this one." I took the case and pointed out one of the tracks. I didn't dare write the entire lyrics out -- it would just say too much. He'd have to listen to it to understand everything.

He kept studying the case.

"I know it seems silly, but it's the only thing I could think of." I started to feel the desperation in my voice and the tears starting to form. Everything in my life, except the Club, seemed to be crashing around me -- the stares from the guys at school, Todd, yelling at me, Principal Braddock being on my case -- I just couldn't handle it if Ryan hated me, too.

Ryan heard my voice crack and looked up again. "I love it. Thank you."

"It's just a stupid CD." I walked over to the wall, trying to control the tears that had now started trickling down my face. What was I thinking? That a Beatles mix would make everything better? If only he knew what these songs meant to me. This wasn't just a mix CD, it was my heart and soul. I was giving it to him, I was letting him in. I just wished he could see that.

Ryan walked over and leaned in, knowing that in doing so he was blocking my tears from the flood of students now entering the hall. His closeness gave me a sense of comfort rather than unease.

"Penny, this means so much, coming from you. Please don't be upset." He placed his hand around my neck and leaned in farther so his chin was resting on my forehead.

"I'm sorry, I'm just..." I tried to calm myself down. "It's been a long few weeks."

He held on. "Yes, it has."

More tears ran down my face. I tried to compose myself as the hallways filled. "Great. All I need is more rumors about me. I'm getting so sick of people talking behind my back, and I'm sure this will just give them more fodder."

He bent down and wiped my tears away with his hand. I looked into his blue eyes and wished all the obstacles would just go away.

"You know, you being nice and all isn't helping," I said to him.

Ryan stared at me intensely for a few seconds before a smile crept over his face.