Roald Dahl Whoppsy-Whiffling Joke Book Read online

  Because they know all the short cuts!

  Matilda MAGIC!

  Funnies to make your friends cry . . . with laughter!

  Did you hear about the magic tractor?

  It turned into a field!

  In what way is Miss Trunchbull mean but fair?

  She’s mean to EVERYONE!

  What do you call a ghost whisperer who has escaped from prison?

  A medium at large!

  Why did Miss Trunchbull give her whole class a zero on their tests?

  She couldn’t give them anything lower!

  “Do you think that all children’s books ought to have FUNNY bits in them?” Miss Honey asked.

  “I do,” Matilda said. “Children are NOT so serious as grown-ups and they LOVE to LAUGH.”

  Why is your newt called Tiny?

  Because he’s my-newt!

  Why did the clock get sent to see the Trunchbull?

  For tocking too much!

  TRUNCHBULL: Why aren’t you standing at the end of the line like

  I told you?

  PUPIL: I tried, but there was somebody standing there already!

  What’s the difference between a hungry man and Bruce Bogtrotter?

  One longs to eat and the other eats too long!

  What did the gopher say to the librarian?

  “Please may I burrow this book?”

  Why was Mr. Wormwood angry when Matilda put glue in his hat?

  It was a hat trick!

  MISS HONEY: You missed school yesterday, didn’t you?

  LAVENDER: No, I didn’t miss it in the slightest!

  What is Miss Honey’s favorite nation?

  Expla-nation!

  Why was the math book always unhappy?

  Because it had lots of problems!

  DAD: What did you learn at school today?

  SON: Not enough—

  they said I have to go back again tomorrow!

  What kind of schoolbag is always tired?

  A knapsack!

  Why did the music teacher need a ladder?

  To reach the high notes!

  Why did Bruce Bogtrotter eat his homework?

  The teacher told him it was a piece of cake!

  And finally . . .

  THE Whizzpoppers!

  According to the BFG, whizzpopping is a sign of happiness!

  What’s the difference between a symphony and a whizzpop?

  One is music to your ear and the other is music from your rear!

  What do you get if you cross onions and beans?

  Tear gas!

  What’s invisible and smells like carrots?

  A bunny whizzpop!

  Why is a whizzpop the sharpest thing in the world?

  It can go through almost any fabric and it never leaves a hole!

  “Kings and Queens are WHIZZPOPPING.

  Presidents are WHIZZPOPPING.

  Glamorous film stars are WHIZZPOPPING.

  Little babies are WHIZZPOPPING.

  But where I come from, it is not polite to talk about it.”

  What are the queen’s whizzpops made of?

  Noble gas!

  Somewhere in the world a person whizzpops every other second.

  We must find this person and stop them!

  Did you hear about the man who was giving out anti-whizzpop leaflets?

  He accidentally let one rip!

  Why couldn’t the skeleton whizzpop?

  It didn’t have the guts to do it!

  About the Author and Illustrator

  ROALD DAHL was a spy, ace fighter-pilot, chocolate historian, and medical inventor. He was also the author of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Matilda, The BFG, and many more brilliant stories. He remains THE WORLD’S NO. 1 STORYTELLER.

  QUENTIN BLAKE is a well-known artist whose work has made him popular on both sides of the Atlantic. He has illustrated most of Roald Dahl’s children’s books as well as many others. He lives in London where he teaches illustration at the Royal College of Art.

  STORIES ARE GOOD FOR YOU.

  Roald Dahl said,

  “If you have good thoughts, they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.”

  We believe in doing good things.

  That’s why 10 percent of all Roald Dahl income* goes to our charity partners. We have supported causes including: specialist children’s nurses, grants for families in need, and educational outreach programs. Thank you for helping us to sustain this vital work.

  Find out more at roalddahl.com

  The Roald Dahl Charitable Trust is a registered UK charity (no. 1119330).

  * All author payments and royalty income net of third-party commissions.

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