The Best of Roald Dahl Read online

'She is. Someone calculated that not even counting her outside business, she makes the equivalent of about fifteen hundred pounds a week. That's, let me see, that's between five and six thousand pounds a month. Sixty thousand pounds a year.'

  Stuffy came out of his dream. 'Jesus,' he said, 'Jesus Christ. The filthy old whore.'

  'The lousy old bitch,' said William.

  They were coming into a more civilized section of the town, but still there were no gharries.

  The Stag said, 'Did you hear about Mary's House?'

  'What's Mary's House?' said William.

  'It's a place in Alexandria. Mary is the Rosette of Alex.'

  'Lousy old bitch,' said William.

  'No,' Stag said. 'They say she's a good woman. But anyway, Mary's House was hit by a bomb last week. The navy was in port at the time and the place was full of sailors, nautic types.'

  'Killed?'

  'Lots of them killed. And d'you know what happened? They posted them as killed in action.'

  'The Admiral is a gentleman,' said Stuffy.

  'Magnificent,' said William.

  Then they saw a gharri and hailed it.

  Stuffy said, 'We don't know the address.'

  'He'll know it,' said Stag. 'Madame Rosette,' he said to the driver.

  The driver grinned and nodded. Then William said, 'I'm going to drive. Give me the reins, driver, and sit up here beside me and tell me where to go.'

  The driver protested vigorously, but when William gave him ten piastres, he gave him the reins. William sat high up on the driver's seat with the driver beside him. The Stag and Stuffy got in the back of the carriage.

  'Take off,' said Stuffy. William took off. The horses began to gallop.

  'No good,' shrieked the driver. 'No good. Stop.'

  'Which way Rosette?' shouted William.

  'Stop,' shrieked the driver.

  William was happy. 'Rosette,' he shouted. 'Which way?'

  The driver made a decision. He decided that the only way to stop this madman was to get him to his destination. 'This way,' he shrieked. 'Left.' William pulled hard on the left rein and the horses swerved round the corner. The gharri took it on one wheel.

  'Too much bank,' shouted Stuffy from the back seat.

  'Which way now?' shouted William.

  'Left,' shrieked the driver. They took the next street to the left, then they took one to the right, two more to the left, then one to the right again and suddenly the driver yelled, 'Here pleess, here Rosette. Stop.'

  William pulled hard on the reins and gradually the horses raised their heads with the pulling and slowed down to a trot.

  'Where?' said William.

  'Here,' said the driver. 'Pleess.' He pointed to a house twenty yards ahead. William brought the horses to a stop right in front of it.

  'Nice work, William,' said Stuffy.

  'Jesus,' said the Stag. 'That was quick.'

  'Marvellous,' said William. 'Wasn't it?' He was very happy.

  The driver was sweating through his shirt and he was too frightened to be angry.

  William said, 'How much?'

  'Pleess, twenty piastres.'

  William gave him forty and said, 'Thank you very much. Fine horses.' The little man took the money, jumped up on to the gharri and drove off. He was in a hurry to get away.

  They were in another of those narrow, dark streets, but the houses, what they could see of them, looked huge and prosperous. The one which the driver had said was Rosette's was wide and thick and three storeys high, built of grey concrete, and it had a large thick front door which stood wide open. As they went in, the Stag said, 'Now leave this to me. I've got a plan.'

  Inside there was a cold grey dusty stone hall, lit by a bare electric light bulb in the ceiling, and there was a man standing in the hall. He was a mountain of a man, a huge Egyptian with a flat face and two cauliflower ears. In his wrestling days he had probably been billed as Abdul the Killer or The Poisonous Pasha, but now he wore a dirty white cotton suit.

  The Stag said, 'Good evening. Is Madame Rosette here?'

  Abdul looked hard at the three pilots, hesitated, then said, 'Madame Rosette top floor.'

  'Thank you,' said Stag. 'Thank you very much.' Stuffy noticed that the Stag was being polite. There was always trouble for somebody when he was like that. Back in the squadron, when he was leading a flight, when they sighted the enemy and when there was going to be a battle, the Stag never gave an order without saying 'Please' and he never received a message without saying 'Thank you.' He was saying 'Thank you' now to Abdul.

  They went up the bare stone steps which had iron railings. They went past the first landing and the second landing, and the place was as bare as a cave. At the top of the third flight of steps, there was no landing; it was walled off, and the stairs ran up to a door. The Stag pressed the bell. They waited a while, then a little panel in the door slid back and a pair of small black eyes peeked through. A woman's voice said, 'What you boys want?' Both the Stag and Stuffy recognized the voice from the telephone. The Stag said, 'We would like to see Madame Rosette.' He pronounced the Madame in the French way because he was being polite.

  'You officers? Only officers here,' said the voice. She had a voice like a broken board.

  'Yes,' said Stag. 'We are officers.'

  'You don't look like officers. What kind of officers?'

  'R.A.F.'

  There was a pause. The Stag knew that she was considering. She had probably had trouble with pilots before, and he hoped only that she would not see William and the light that was dancing in his eyes; for William was still feeling the way he had felt when he drove the gharri. Suddenly the panel closed and the door opened.

  'All right, come in,' she said. She was too greedy, this woman, even to pick her customers carefully.

  They went in and there she was. Short, fat, greasy, with wisps of untidy black hair straggling over her forehead; a large, mud-coloured face, a large wide nose and a small fish mouth, with just the trace of a black moustache above the mouth. She had on a loose black satin dress.

  'Come into the office, boys,' she said, and started to waddle down the passage to the left. It was a long wide passage, about fifty yards long and four or five yards wide. It ran through the middle of the house, parallel with the street, and as you came in from the stairs, you had to turn left along it. All the way down there were doors, about eight or ten of them on each side. If you turned right as you came in from the stairs, you ran into the end of the passage, but there was one door there too, and as the three of them walked in, they heard a babble of female voices from behind that door. The Stag noted that it was the girls' dressing room.

  'This way, boys,' said Rosette. She turned left and slopped down the passage, away from the door with the voices. The three followed her. Stag first, then Stuffy, then William, down the passage which had a red carpet on the floor and huge pink lampshades hanging from the ceiling. They got about halfway down the passage when there was a yell from the dressing room behind them. Rosette stopped and looked around.

  'You go on, boys,' she said, 'into the office, last door on the left. I won't be a minute.' She turned and went back towards the dressing-room door. They didn't go on. They stood and watched her, and just as she got to the door, it opened and a girl rushed out. From where they stood, they could see that her fair hair was all over her face and that she had on an untidy-looking green evening dress. She saw Rosette in front of her and she stopped. They heard Rosette say something, something angry and quick spoken, and they heard the girl shout something back at her. They saw Rosette raise her right arm and they saw her hit the girl smack on the side of the face with the palm of her hand. They saw her draw back her hand and hit her again in the same place. She hit her hard. The girl put her hands up to her face and began to cry. Rosette opened the door of the dressing room and pushed her back inside.

  'Jesus,' said the Stag. 'She's tough.' William said, 'So am I.' Stuffy didn't say anything.

  Rosette came back to t