A Prison Diary Purgatory (2003) Read online

  12 noon

  I phone Alison to discover that Tony Morton-Hooper has faxed Mr Carlton-Boyce (governor in charge of movement) with my preferences for a D-cat:

  Latchmere House, Richmond

  Spring Hill, Buckinghamshire

  Ford, Sussex

  Stamford Hill, Kent

  They all sound like minor public schools.

  I know that they are unlikely to allow me to transfer to Latchmere House as I don’t fulfil their criteria, and Ford has already turned me down on the grounds that they couldn’t handle the press interest. The inmates who have been to Stamford Hill tell me it’s full of young crackheads who will drive me to an early grave. I expect therefore to end up at Spring Hill, which Mr Meanwell has recommended all along.

  3.00 pm

  The SO (senior officer) on duty calls me in for a private word. It seems that two prisoners on C block have complained to the governor that I was seen wearing a tracksuit top during exercise, a privilege enjoyed only by enhanced prisoners. He will therefore have to search my cell for the offending article, but he’s rather busy at the moment, so he won’t be able to do so for another thirty minutes.

  The offending article is a cream Adidas top, bequeathed to me by Sergio on the day he was deported. I return to my cell and hand the top to Darren. After I’ve told him about the interview, he calls in Jimmy, and between them they give my cell a thorough going over. They also remove one bedside lamp, one tin opener and a yellow check blanket, all of which I have acquired during the past month, and am not entitled to unless enhanced.

  The SO arrives thirty minutes later, accompanied by another officer and together they search my cell. They reappear fifteen minutes later, declaring my cell to be clean.

  I later learn that the two prisoners from C block who made the complaint are lifers - both in for murder. Envy in prisons is every bit as prevalent as it is on the outside.

  7.00 pm

  I call Sergio in Bogota and take advantage of the PS7 left on his phonecard. The news is not good. None of my bids for the Boteros has been accepted. Chris Beetles turned out to be right - knowing the artist’s mother is of no significance when dealing with a painter of international reputation. ‘Offer $500,000 for The Card Players,’ is my immediate response. There is a long silence before Sergio admits. It’s already been sold for $900,000.’ Beep… beep… beep… seconds to go. Tm sorry, Jeffrey, I’ll keep trying to find you a…’

  I’ve never heard from Sergio since.

  DAY 77 - WEDNESDAY 3 OCTOBER 2001

  8.15 am

  As we wait to be called for breakfast, the talk among the prisoners in the corridor is all about Shane (GBH, gym orderly). They’re fed up (not their actual words) with the incessant noise he makes late at night and first thing in the morning. I overhear that two or three of them are planning to beat him up in the shower room after he comes back from the rugby match this afternoon. I ask Darren if I ought to report this to Mr Tinkler.

  ‘No,’ he says adamantly. ‘Mind your own fuckin’ business and leave it to us. But when you next see Tinkler or Meanwell, you could mention what a fuckin’ nuisance Shane’s become. Most of us would like to see him moved back upstairs.’ It’s the first time Darren has sworn in front of me.

  9.00 am

  Pottery. Cancelled because I have to attend a meeting with Reg Walton, the sentence management officer. He seems a nice chap, if a little overburdened by it all. He explains that he has to fill in yet another form if I’m to advance to a D-cat.

  ‘Be reinstated’ I explain firmly, giving him a brief run-down of how I ended up at Wayland. He nods, and begins to fill in the little boxes. Here we go again.

  Once he’s filled in all the little boxes he stands up, shakes my hand and wishes me luck.

  ‘My wife loves your books.’ He pauses. Though I confess I’ve never read one.’

  2.00 pm

  I referee a rugby match between Wayland and a local RAF camp. It’s our first game against a visiting team, and it shows. I play the advantage law as best I can to assist Wayland, but the RAF still end up winning 39-12.

  4.10 pm

  Mr Tinkler says that he needs to see me following my interview with Mr Walton. Steve tells me that he has never known the two meetings to take place on the same day, which he takes as a sign they will be moving me soon. I’ve come to learn what ‘soon’ means in prison, so I don’t comment.

  6.00 pm

  Shane is roaming around the corridor in his dirty rugby kit, avoiding the shower room and being nice to everyone. He even walks across to my cell to congratulate me on how well I refereed the match (frankly, not that well). Darren later tells me that Monster (taxi driver, transporting cannabis) had warned him of his impending doom if he doesn’t reform. Far more effective than a ticking-off from an officer.

  8.00 pm

  I finish The Tempest in peace. Shane has got the message, but for how long?

  DAY 78 - THURSDAY 4 OCTOBER 2001

  8.20 am

  Meeting with the PO, Mr Tinkler. He tells me that he’s signed my D-cat forms, but they still have to be countersigned by my spur officer, Mr Clegg. Mr Tinkler leaves me in no doubt about how he feels the system has treated me. I accept that he and the uniformed staff have done everything in their power to make my incarceration in Wayland bearable, remembering that I was never meant to come here in the first place.

  8.50 am

  Carl (GBH, servery, goal every match) comes down to our spur to say goodbye. It’s always interesting to see how the different prisoners react to someone who’s being released. There are those who will be leaving themselves within weeks, even months, who hug him and shake him by the hand, while the long-termers look on sullenly with envy in their eyes.

  My abiding memory of Carl will be the day I put on a smart pair of brown loafers when Mary came to visit me, and he said, ‘I’ve got a pair just like those, Jeff. Did you get them in Harrods?’

  ‘Yes,’ I replied.

  ‘So did I,’ said Carl. ‘But I’ll bet you paid for yours.’ As Carl leaves, Mr Clarke comes onto the spur and wishes him luck. ‘I feel sure well be seeing you again’ he adds.

  9.00 am

  Pottery. My pot, or however we think of it, is drying, so I watch Shaun add Jules’s head to last week’s shoulders. Jules is pleased with the result and wants the original to give to his mother, always an excellent sign. Normally Shaun would charge PS5 or the equivalent in tobacco, but he explains to Jules that my publishers have to see all the sketches first. I promise that, once they have, Jules will be sent the original. (See plate section.)

  Jules has already been enhanced, which affords him several privileges, including wearing his own clothes. He’s recently come down to our spur to take over Danny’s cell. He tells me that they’ve enrolled him as a Listener which, as I’ve already explained, is a big responsibility. His educational programme (A level English) is going well, and when he says, ‘I won’t be coming back once I’ve been released,’ in his case, I believe him.

  3.15 pm

  Gym. Complete programme in one hour, steady or slight improvement almost every day.

  6.30 pm

  Mr Clegg takes me through my D-cat form and, as my spur officer, signs me off as a model prisoner. By that he means no drugs, no violence, no other charges since entering prison. The document will now be passed on to Mr King, who in turn will send it up to Mr Carlton-Boyce, who in turn…

  Mr Clegg goes on to tell me that a prisoner has reported him for racism. Now whatever failings Mr Clegg might have, being a racist is not one of them. So when I return to the spur, I brief Nigel (GBH), known as Preacher (see plate section), who is the block’s race relations representative. He tells me that he’ll speak to Mr King and try to straighten things out.

  8.00 pm

  Mary has flown to Washington for the fiftieth birthday of a mutual friend, so I can’t call her. I begin Henry IV, Part I.

  DAY 79 - FRIDAY 5 OCTOBER 2001

  9.00 am