Dustbin Baby Read online

  I glared at her.

  ‘Ooh, look at April!’ said Daddy. ‘Somebody’s gone green-eyed all of a sudden.’

  He tried to get me to dance with him but I sat in the corner of the hall and sucked my thumb. I wasn’t the least bit jealous. I didn’t want to dance with Daddy. I was furious that Mummy could be so easily won over.

  I suppose she adored him. That was why she put up with so much. She must have held her tongue when they were being grilled about adopting me. They had to present themselves as the perfect couple. Maybe Daddy was perfect in Mummy’s eyes. Though he couldn’t give her children. That was why she was so keen to adopt me. She felt it was her best chance of hanging on to him. Give him his own little girl. Little Danielle. Only I wouldn’t play the game properly so it didn’t work.

  Daddy stayed out again. And again and again. He came back with one more bunch of flowers. Then he came back drunk. Then he came back in a towering rage, shouting at Mummy, yelling at me, as if it was all our fault.

  Then he didn’t come back. Mummy waited all day. Another night. Then she rang the office. I don’t know what he said to her.

  I found her sitting on the carpet by the telephone table in the hall, her legs stuck out, as ungainly as my Barbie doll. Tears ran down her cheeks. She didn’t try to mop them. She didn’t even blow her nose though it was running right down to her lips. I hovered beside her, terrified.

  ‘Mummy?’ I leant against her, wanting her to put her arms round me. She didn’t move so eventually I wound my arms round her neck instead. She didn’t seem to notice.

  ‘Mummy, please talk to me!’

  She didn’t respond, even when I shouted right in her ear. I wondered if she might be dead but she blinked every now and then, her lashes stuck together with tears.

  ‘It’s all right, Mummy, I’m here,’ I said, but of course it wasn’t all right.

  She didn’t care whether I was there or not. No, that’s not true. She did care. She tried to look after me over the next few weeks. She didn’t bother to wash herself and she pulled the same old jogging trousers and jerkin over her nightie when she trailed me to the Infants and back but she still supervised my bath every night and stuffed my arms down fresh blouse sleeves every day. She wasn’t totally systematic. She remembered my school uniform but forgot my growing pile of grubby socks and underwear so that one day I had to go to school in Mummy’s own large white nylon knickers, pulled up at the waist with a safety pin. It took me ages to get the pin undone in the dark lavatories and I wet myself a little but nobody found out. I tried washing the damp knickers at home with soap in the bathroom. This seemed to work so I washed all my own underwear and hung them all along the bath and over every tap. But I didn’t rinse them through properly so they were stiff and uncomfortable and made me itch.

  Mummy couldn’t manage meals now. She didn’t seem to eat at all, she just drank endless cups of tea, taking it black after we ran out of milk. I ate my breakfast cornflakes straight out of the packet. I ate a lot of school lunch because we were just using up all the tins of baked beans in the cupboard for tea. I had baked beans on toast, and then when we’d used all the bread in the freezer I simply had baked beans. When Mummy just sat and stared into space I ate the baked beans cold.

  One teatime I couldn’t get her to open the tin. I tried and tried with the tin opener but I couldn’t work out how to do it and ended up cutting myself. It was only a tiny cut at the end of my thumb but it frightened me and I howled. Mummy burst into tears too and sobbed that she was sorry. She said she was a useless mother and an awful wife and it was no wonder he’d walked out on us. He was much better off without her and I’d be much better off without her too.

  She said it over and over again, louder and louder, her pale face almost purple with emotion. I was so scared that I nodded, imagining she wanted me to agree with her.

  7

  I DON’T WANT to remember any more. I’ll only start crying. It won’t be April Showers, it will be April Downpour.

  What am I doing here, snivelling in a corner of this dusty old train? I’m meant to be having a special day. It’s my birthday. I don’t want to be thinking about deathdays. It’s weird – each year you pass the date of your own deathday and yet you obviously don’t know it. Unless you choose it for yourself.

  That’s what she did. Mummy. They think I can’t remember because I’ve never talked about it to anyone. Not the social workers. Not the child psychiatrist. Not even Marion. They think five is too young to remember which is mad because I know every detail of that day. I overheard one social worker say I must have blanked it out. I don’t know how they think I can do that. Take a blackboard eraser and go swish, swish, swish across my brain and there it is, sponged clean, good as new, no memory of any messy suicide.

  It must have been very messy. She cut her wrists in the bath. She didn’t want me to see. She locked herself in the bathroom on Sunday night, after she’d phoned a woman down the road and asked her to take me to school in the morning because she wasn’t feeling very well. It was a kind plan but I mucked it up.

  I woke up early and needed to go to the bathroom – only of course it was locked. I twisted and turned the door knob. I knocked. I called.

  ‘Mummy? Are you in there? Mummy!’

  She wasn’t in her bed. She wasn’t drinking tea in the kitchen. She had to be in the bathroom. I didn’t panic too much at first. I was used to Mummy not answering when she was in a mood. Maybe she’d gone to sleep in the bath? She never seemed to go to bed at nights now which made her doze a lot during the day. I knocked again and again. I was worried I might wet myself so I padded downstairs, knock-kneed, and struggled with the bolt on the back door until I was able to let myself out into the garden. There was a dark toilet in a wooden shed at the back. I hated using it because I was frightened of spiders. They scuttled over my bare feet and made me squeal but I managed not to leap up mid-wee. I trailed back into the garden, wondering what to do next. I looked up and saw the bathroom window was open at the top.

  ‘Mummy!’ I called up. ‘Mummy, please!’

  She didn’t call back. Mrs Stevenson next door peered out of her bedroom window. She and Mummy had once had words because of the Stevenson boy’s loud music so I scuttled away like the spiders, scared she was going to tell me off.

  ‘April! April, don’t run away! I’m talking to you!’

  I’d got to the back door but couldn’t quite get inside.

  ‘April!’

  I turned round very reluctantly. Mrs Stevenson was leaning right out of her bedroom window. She was in her nightie. I could see a lot of pink bosom from my underneath angle.

  ‘Why are you out in the garden at this time of the morning? Where’s your mum?’

  ‘In the bathroom,’ I said, and I burst into tears.

  I sobbed out a lot of stuff about locked doors. After a minute Mr Stevenson joined his wife at the window, his hair all sticking up sideways, wearing a vest instead of pyjamas. Mr Stevenson had a temper. I was scared he’d shout at me for waking him, but to my surprise they both came downstairs and out into their garden, and then Mr Stevenson fetched a ladder and tipped it over the fence and climbed over afterwards and propped it up against the back of the house, next to the bathroom window.

  I was getting very agitated because I knew Mummy would be appalled if she saw Mr Stevenson’s big red face suddenly looking at her. I begged Mr Stevenson not to, but he explained that Mummy might have fainted.

  Mr Stevenson was the one who nearly fainted when he got to the top of his ladder and peered in.

  He swayed for a moment and then climbed down again, his feet missing rungs so that he almost fell. When he got to the bottom he took several deep breaths, his hand clamped to his mouth. Little beads of sweat trickled down his forehead.

  ‘Joe? You all right?’ Mrs Stevenson called over the fence.

  ‘Is it Mummy? What’s the matter with Mummy?’ I whispered.

  He jumped, as if he’d forgotten all abo