“She wasn’t playing. She had me in a group until a spot could open at the rehab ranch, but I was still drinking while going through the group, though.”

“Why?”

“Because I didn’t think I had a problem, because I thought it was stupid.”

Just then the waitress came back and they gave their orders, but Kacey instantly forgot what she ordered. Looking at him, she waited for him to continue. She knew there was more, and she wasn’t sure if she could handle it. Those first days back, he’d looked so defeated, and while she’d assumed he was still fucking around and being him, he was actually fighting to be healthy. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t fucking around, that he had changed. She had to keep her wits about her. She couldn’t just jump across the table and cuddle him like she wanted.

Not only for him, but for her.

He looked across the table at her, catching her attention with those sullen brown eyes and shrugged. “I was wrong, obviously. Something I’m not proud to admit, but when you walked out that door back in Colorado, everything went to shit. Everything. I was drinking heavily, showing up to PT drunk, and then I went on this weekend in Louisiana that was a downright disaster. You’d think I’d learn from that, but I didn’t. I just drank and drank and drank.”

“Louisiana? When you got hurt?” she asked, her heart in her throat. She hadn’t realized he had gotten so bad. And why the hell hadn’t he called or returned her phone calls? She would have helped him, been there for him, but he’d pushed her away.

“Yeah,” he said, letting out a long breath and then slowly looking back up at her. “I went down there, met up with one of my old buddies. He had a party and I got shit-faced, high on some Molly that he had put in my drink without me knowing. And that was what Elli found out and used to send me to rehab.”

“Oh my God,” she gasped, her jaw dropping. “But you don’t do drugs.”

“You know that, I know that, even Elli knew that, but I put myself in a position to let it happen. Add in the fact that I was high, drunk, and fucking anyone who would have me, and the trip was not a success.”

She looked away and shook her head. She shouldn’t have been surprised, but it still hurt to know he’d been fucking around when she couldn’t even dream of sleeping with anyone. She knew he had. It was Jordie; his sex drive was like a sixteen-year-old’s, but still, why wasn’t he as broken as she was?

Because he didn’t love you! So what was he doing here?

“I know—disgusting. But I want to be honest.”

She looked up. “Well, it hurts ’cause while you were off fucking everything, I was borderline depressed, losing a child, and fighting for an Olympic medal—all while still loving you so much it hurt,” she said sharply, her throat thick. “So yeah, it sucks hearing you be honest.”

He looked away first, pulling in a breath and letting it out. “Want me to lie and tell you that I left you because I didn’t want you?”

She bit into her lip as she shook her head. “No, I want the truth.”

“Good, ’cause I was gonna give it to you anyway,” he said, looking up at her. “I know it hurts—it hurts me rehashing it, but we can’t move forward without me fixing what I did.”

Her brow raised. “You can fix it?”

He shrugged. “I have no clue, but I want to try.”

She looked away then, swallowing hard around the lump that was her heart in her throat. He wanted to try to fix what he had done, and Lord knew she wanted him to do it, but what would happen afterward? Before he could go on, their food came, but neither one touched it.

Clearing his throat, he said, “I fell trying to get between two girls and hurt my knee, then I went to the hospital, where they shot me up with pain-killers. I hooked up with my doctor, who took me home, and I spent the rest of my time with her.”

“Wow,” she muttered. “So while I was trying to get ahold of you, you moved on?” she snapped and he shook his head. She knew she was being difficult, but it was a hard pill to swallow. How could he have moved on? Why wasn’t she enough?

“No, I used her.”

Her eyes met his pleading ones. “Did it work?”

He shook his head. “Not at all.”

She should have been happy that it didn’t, but the pain in his eyes was gut-wrenching.

“I went home, got drunk, popped pills, and drank some more. I’d go to sleep with a bottle in my hand, wake up the next morning, and kill it before brushing my teeth. It was a vicious cycle. I lied over and over again to Karson and Lacey, telling them I was fine, when really, I was two seconds from drinking myself to death. I think at one point I even prayed for death.”

Everything just hurt for him; that wasn’t her Jordie. He loved life, or at least she thought he did. “Jordie,” she mumbled and he shrugged.

“I had nothing to live for.”

She shook her head. “You did. Yourself.”

He nodded. “You’re right, but I forgot that along the way. The only thing I cared about was forgetting you because I was too stupid to hold on to what was good in my life.”

Shocked, she leaned back in the booth and shook her head. Why hadn’t she seen how much he was hurting when she was with him? He was obviously using the drinking as a crutch, but she was having too much fun. When she realized she loved him, she freaked because she knew he wouldn’t love her. He couldn’t love her, and because of that, she didn’t look back. Then when he wouldn’t talk to her, she chalked it up to him being a dick, when really, he was hurting. Drowning in his own issues. But he wouldn’t let her in!