Their awkward, fumbling attempts at finally consummating their marriage hadn’t been successful at first, and certainly not the least bit fulfilling for Tessa. Peter had a great deal of trouble with intimacy of any sort, and the kisses and caresses they had shared had been tentative and impersonal. It was difficult for him to become aroused, especially since he couldn’t handle being touched on his most private parts, and the few attempts they had made thus far to have sex usually ended with Peter not being able to sustain an erection for more than a few minutes, or prematurely ejaculating.

And then, of course, he would become frustrated with his inability to make love to his wife, would feel like less of a man, and would withdraw into himself for days at a time. Tessa had learned to leave him alone during these times, to tactfully not bring up the subject, and would patiently wait until he felt ready to try again. In the months since they had made the decision to try and make their marriage a real one, they had only been able to achieve actual intercourse less than a handful of times, and Tessa hadn’t come close to being satisfied by any of these all too brief encounters. Instead, she’d rather shamefully found herself having erotic dreams with increasing frequency – dreams that she would wake from in a state of arousal, with her young, healthy body practically throbbing with the need for sexual release. Her breasts would feel swollen, her nipples hard, and when she would hesitantly touch herself between her legs she’d be wet. Most times it would only take the lightest stimulation of her clitoris to make herself come, and she would try very hard not to feel ashamed of her actions afterwards. She had never mentioned the dreams to Peter, and made certain that he wasn’t sharing the bed when she brought herself to orgasm.

There were many nights, in fact, when Peter didn’t sleep with her, at least not for the whole night. He was still plagued with both insomnia and nightmares, and was always careful not to disturb Tessa’s sleep. More often than not she would wake in the morning to find him sleeping on the futon in the living room instead of in their double bed. Or if she woke during the middle of the night and went in search of him, Peter would usually be in the other room reading a book or using his computer, sleep alluding him yet again.

She missed having him beside her, even though he wasn’t a cuddler and always made sure to keep distance between them. But it gave her an odd sort of comfort to know he was nearby, made her feel safe, and when she woke to find him gone it was usually with a sudden sense of panic. She would automatically seek him out, and only when she was reassured that he was still there would she be able to fall back asleep.

And while they didn’t talk about their messed-up sexual relationship very often, Tessa knew that Peter was very well aware of its shortcomings and his numerous hang-ups. He had even encouraged her to find another lover, a suggestion that had appalled Tessa and one that she had automatically rejected.

“Oh, my God, Peter, you can’t really mean that!” she’d exclaimed in horror. “I mean, we’re married and, well, married people don’t do that sort of thing. I’d never be able to just – you know - pick up some random guy and go to bed with him. I wouldn’t even know where to begin.”

Peter had given a rather bitter little laugh. “Trust me, Tess, you wouldn’t have to worry about that. All you’d have to do would be to hang out in a club or a bar for about ten minutes and you’d have half a dozen willing volunteers to pick from. Guys look at you all the time, everywhere we go – the mall, the grocery store, school. And I can just imagine what they think when they see the two of us together. They probably think I’m your nerdy brother, or your tutor or something. Nobody would believe that you and I were romantically involved.”

Tessa had blushed a little at his declaration. “That’s not true, Peter. And there is no way I’m going to go out looking for some guy to hook up with for a night. I’ve told you before that it doesn’t matter to me if we can’t always – you know.”

“Have sex like normal married couples do?” he’d replied sardonically. “I know you’re only saying that because you don’t want me to feel worse about things than I already do. You’re too softhearted, Tess. Too worried about hurting other people’s feeling and not giving a care to your own. But I know it’s not going to be enough for you one of these days, and it’s really, truly okay with me if you ever feel the need to, well, scratch your itch with someone else. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to function normally that way whereas you – well, I can tell you need a lot more than I’m able to give you. You don’t see it in yourself yet, Tess, but you’re a very passionate woman. And a very affectionate one. You deserve a guy who can give you all that in return.”

She had stubbornly refused to discuss the matter further, merely declaring, “We’re in this thing together, Peter, for better or for worse. And I won’t ever cheat on you, whether you give me permission or not. I could never, ever imagine doing something like that.”

Peter had sighed, shaking his head. “In addition to passionate and affectionate, you’re also stubborn as hell sometimes. But you might change your mind someday, Tess. Might meet someone that you’re sexually attracted to. And I want you to know if that happens that it’s okay with me if you decide to do something about it.”

When he’d noticed the mutinous set of her mouth, and the glare in her blue eyes, Peter had chuckled and abruptly changed the subject. But it wasn’t the last time he had made mention of the idea, and Tessa feared he would continue to bring the subject up each time he failed to satisfy her sexually.

She’d timidly suggested the idea of counseling once or twice, but Peter had confessed he was just too ashamed of what had happened to willingly discuss the abuse with anyone, even a trained professional. Then, too, their budget was already tightly stretched, and neither of them had any sort of medical insurance as yet, so paying for expensive counseling sessions was out of the question for the foreseeable future.

To celebrate Tessa’s new job, they splurged for once and ate dinner out after their evening shift at Old Navy, though The Cheesecake Factory wasn’t exactly a high end establishment. To Tessa, however, who cooked dinner at home for them most every evening, and who stuck to her modest grocery budget like a hawk, eating at any sort of restaurant was a real treat. Nonetheless, she ignored Peter’s urging to order whatever she liked and chose one of the more modest priced entrees, then insisted she was too full to eat a whole dessert by herself and shared a slice of vanilla bean cheesecake with him.